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By Kevin - 09/09/2011 12:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML

agreeclassic 10 206

vote type 1 42 958

By excusemeprincess - 11/02/2013 17:08 - United States - Middle Island

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. He really likes Legend of Zelda, so I put on a Link hat, took my clothes off, and waited for him at his place. He came home with a hooker. FML

agreeclassic 57 793

vote type 1 4 265

excusemeprincess app_comment_confession_title

excusemeprincess 11

Tuesday 12 February 2013 23:40

I'm the person who posted this. I just forgot to log in. Anyway, I DID kick him in his deku nuts and walk out on him. Thanks for all your hilarious comments guys. :)

By brookenicolee29 - 26/01/2014 22:06 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was reading FML's birthday blog post and saw a picture of myself in it. I would've been happy if it wasn't #4 in the list of worst duckfaces of the week. FML

agreeclassic 31 248

vote type 1 55 185

brookenicolee29 app_comment_confession_title

brookenicolee29 27

Monday 27 January 2014 1:50

I changed my picture because o it(: And it was more of a kissy face.. Haha

By peacock_mina19 - 11/02/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

agreeclassic 89 045

vote type 1 27 185

By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - 11/12/2012 07:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

agreeclassic 35 535

vote type 1 3 406

By friedbutter - 28/10/2012 14:53 - Canada - Pickering

Today, my husband thought it would be funny to tell my 10-year-old son that if he wanted to get girls, he had to do the Gangnam Style. My son has now non-stop been doing the Gangnam Style. FML

agreeclassic 26 049

vote type 1 4 624

It's a coup!

By everythingWASperfect - 13/11/2010 14:43 - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

agreeclassic 48 320

vote type 1 4 394

Road rage

By Broke - 28/05/2012 09:38 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was waiting to pull out of a parking space, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to put the car into reverse instead of drive while I was waiting for traffic to clear. I don't think the people who own the car behind me were laughing. Nor is my now ex-boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 30 128

vote type 1 3 417

Sebummer

By ewwww - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

agreeclassic 36 883

vote type 1 3 465

By loser - 03/01/2010 12:00 - United States

Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML

agreeclassic 11 500

vote type 1 67 685

By Shoes - 12/06/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

agreeclassic 76 176

vote type 1 4 236

By Anonymous - 31/07/2013 16:49 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

agreeclassic 66 022

vote type 1 7 001

Gross out competition

By shattysituation - 31/12/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML

agreeclassic 43 458

vote type 1 4 068

By cj123 - 23/12/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

agreeclassic 31 524

vote type 1 5 491

By lababy - 15/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

agreeclassic 41 803

vote type 1 21 186

By MrZhang - 23/06/2009 03:34 - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

agreeclassic 39 429

vote type 1 26 539

Vacation in Hell

By misc - 08/06/2011 17:52 - Netherlands

Today, while in Holland, I lost the bag with my passport, debit and credit cards, license, and camera. I froze my accounts and filled out the paperwork for a new passport. My bag was found the second time I went to the police, with everything in it. Now my accounts are frozen for the 3 weeks I'm here. FML

agreeclassic 35 828

vote type 1 7 254

By wellhellothere - 17/04/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

agreeclassic 35 002

vote type 1 3 323

By Anonymous - 12/08/2011 00:49 - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my mechanic was so cheap; he wanted to sleep with me. After I politely declined, he charged me regular price plus extra for "humiliating" him. He's 60. I just recently turned 18. FML

agreeclassic 43 748

vote type 1 3 438

By I_Hate_Cars - 15/04/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I went for a jog. I had stopped at an intersection to let a car go by. The car stopped and the driver waved me on, so I started jogging again. After a few steps, I feel a sharp pain in my side, then wake up in the hospital. The driver 'accidentally' hit the gas. FML

agreeclassic 128 253

vote type 1 5 855

I_Hate_Cars app_comment_confession_title

I_Hate_Cars 0

Thursday 16 April 2009 7:11

To all, thanks for your concern. Don't worry, I'm fine, it was just a bad concussion when I hit the ground that knocked me out. I hope I don't disappoint anybody, but I am not going to sue. A few years in jail ought to be enough for the driver- it was a drunk. Luckily, there was a black and white across the street and got the driver in time. Again, thank you all for your concerns.

By cockblocked - 11/05/2012 18:29 - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

agreeclassic 14 915

vote type 1 23 971

Ransomware

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

agreeclassic 29 504

vote type 1 26 773

By Anonymous - 29/04/2012 09:45 - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

agreeclassic 12 343

vote type 1 22 285

Gym bro

By kaplwv116 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my extremely in-shape boyfriend told me he hasn't had a chance to work out lately. I jokingly poked him in the belly saying he's getting chunky and winked. He burst into tears. FML

agreeclassic 27 071

vote type 1 41 279

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 07:18 - United States - Salinas

Today, I tried to put together some flat-pack furniture. I wound up in my underpants, screaming stuff like, "Fuck you, fucking Ikea bastard" at pieces of confusing plywood. FML

agreeclassic 11 993

vote type 1 21 767

By Anonymous - 18/08/2010 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML

agreeclassic 28 517

vote type 1 14 645

By naesha - 17/03/2014 01:40 - United States - Jackson

Today, a lady who works for my husband confided in me that they've been sleeping with each other and now she's pregnant. She didn't know I was his wife. FML

agreeclassic 63 738

vote type 1 3 934

naesha app_comment_confession_title

naesha 13

Monday 17 March 2014 14:45

hey guys. Thanks for the positive comments. I guess she dididn't didn't realize I was his wife. Ib had twin a month ago and I brought them to the office. Here is when she sit down and decided to play with the boys. She went on to tell me about the affair & that shit is expecting. as for what I done I got up and left. I'm currently packing as I type.

By daniel55 - 18/02/2013 00:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

agreeclassic 39 412

vote type 1 5 873