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Double Impact

By Zoogangcapk - 01/01/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 10 295

Trumpets!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's "Mambo Number 5" on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 260

You deserved it 1 799

False alarm

By sillyrabbit - 24/02/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said, "Hey" when he was next to me. He said, "The pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 403

You deserved it 46 666

By Bunsofpain - 16/06/2016 18:56 - United States

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 242

You deserved it 4 288

By Anonymous - 01/06/2016 16:21 - India

Today, a few weeks after moving back to my home country, I found out my diploma isn't recognized here. The only training provider I can find that can upgrade it to something valid wants another 2 years of my life, 500 hours of work experience and $16,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 988

You deserved it 1 480

By KaLa - 08/02/2009 16:30 - Canada

Today, I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? "Thanks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 518

You deserved it 4 236

Username checks out.

By I can't stand leg puns - 25/06/2018 18:00 - United Kingdom - Feltham

Today, at school, after returning from a very serious operation, a group of bullies stole something I got during my recovery - my new prosthetic leg. I still have no idea where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 897

You deserved it 215

By j - 18/04/2016 22:24 - United States

Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 571

You deserved it 4 610

Dude, WTF?

By Anonymous - 18/03/2016 20:57 - United States - Valley Stream

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 561

You deserved it 1 375

If only…

By ActuallyDoneFor - 10/11/2018 10:30 - Canada - Saint Albert

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had a friend over. This friend was talking about how two girls were trying to get with him. My boyfriend said, "I wouldn't ever fuck the blonde one, but I would do the other one in a heartbeat." Then, realizing what he'd just said, he hesitantly added, "…if I was single." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 701

You deserved it 497

By Doomy - 07/01/2010 14:43 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 294

You deserved it 29 909

By bald baby - 02/12/2018 05:00

Today, despite my protests and warnings, my mother-in-law decided to chemically straighten my bi-racial daughter’s very curly hair. Hours later, not only is her scalp is raw and red, her hair is stringy completely fried and coming out in huge noticeable clumps. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 4 054

You deserved it 350

By Anonymous - 09/01/2016 03:20 - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 282

You deserved it 1 822

Who?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate, asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 663

You deserved it 1 814

The grass is never greener

By Toolate - 21/12/2016 12:26

Spicy

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 801

You deserved it 1 386

By Anonymous - 13/05/2017 02:00

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 084

You deserved it 343

It wasn't me!

By cantwin - 31/05/2013 13:54 - Belgium - Zwevegem

Today, I visited my grandma. Shortly after I arrived, she freaked out after finding a "snake" in her closet. It was a rubber snake that my brother must have put there yesterday as a prank. I picked it up and told her it was fake. She then yelled at me for playing such a disgusting prank on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 512

You deserved it 3 721

Didn't see ya there!

By Anonymous - 29/08/2015 19:10 - United States - West Chester

Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 112

You deserved it 2 379

By stoolgal - 23/09/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 522

You deserved it 1 455

By left alone - 29/08/2016 12:46 - United States - Schenectady

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 469

You deserved it 947

See ya!

By leftbehind - 27/02/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my family was leaving for a weekend trip and was supposed to pick me up on the way down. About an hour before they are supposed to arrive, my mom calls to tell me that there's no room left in the car, so they won't be stopping to get me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 757

You deserved it 2 342

By JRock - 22/02/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 931

You deserved it 4 875

By budgetboss - 08/06/2018 18:30 - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 433

You deserved it 397

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 03:21 - France

Today, my first and only true date ended with the girl saying, "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 086

You deserved it 2 498

By how the fuck did this happen?! - 11/09/2018 04:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 253

You deserved it 430

Nice day for it

By peachykeen - 15/02/2016 01:05 - United States - Savannah

Spicy

Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 097

You deserved it 1 936

By thissinglelife - 06/09/2013 06:42 - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 337

You deserved it 3 133

Not now, bowels!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I finally felt the effects of a laxative that I took last night. This morning, when I was in the dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 144

You deserved it 7 127

By drkate25 - 04/06/2013 16:28 - United States - Enfield

Today, my cats were making a ton of noise rolling around and fighting over their toys, and I yelled for them to knock it off. When they looked up at me, their "toy" ran away. Not a toy, but a real mouse. It's been 2 hours, and I still can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 480

You deserved it 11 828

drkate25 tells us more.

drkate25 30

Tuesday 4 June 2013 23:09

They were definitely playing! They did catch it again, ironically enough, in this little pop-up 'mouse hunt' toy tent thing. I managed to trap it and get it outside safely, though they miss their toy.

Petty

By merchgirl - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Arlington

Today, my mother-in-law scheduled her neck surgery for the same day our baby is being born. She also fully expects my husband to drive her to the hospital and stay for her recovery. Uh, yeah no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 159

You deserved it 1 157

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The Top

The Top

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that a tornado is not the same thing as a hurricane. I couldn't convince him, and he still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 160

You deserved it 3 816

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in Seventeen Magazine. They were in the "What not to wear" category. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 262

You deserved it 13 431

Today, I was finally allowed some time to get my game on. When I attempted to log in, I was given an error message. The game servers were down. Estimated time back up was, "sometime later this week". I was unable to get my game on, and had to do chores instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 338

Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 408

You deserved it 13 453

Today, I told my boyfriend about a friend-with-benefits that I had before him, and he dumped me because I’m still friends with that person, and I didn’t tell him about him right away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 2 754

Today, in the entire half-hour since my mother-in-law reached our home, she's inspected and criticised every aspect of our home, despite things being spot clean. And sermoned me non stop on how to "live". My husband still wonders why I don't want her visiting. It"s going to be a long two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 075

You deserved it 115