Zeegloo

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Zeegloo's favorite FMLs

Kinky

By Noname - 10/03/2009 09:56 - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 084

You deserved it 61 413

By theassman - 11/03/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 159

You deserved it 80 625

Cursed media

By Zack - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 305

You deserved it 97 836

By lolzor - 12/03/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 497

You deserved it 106 113

Harsh

By mugs - 12/03/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 698

You deserved it 24 017

By Noname - 18/03/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384 531

You deserved it 36 231

By lemonjuice - 18/03/2009 06:22 - United States

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 509

You deserved it 10 686

lemonjuice tells us more.

lemonjuice 0

Friday 20 March 2009 4:45

There are very few Chinese restaurant areas, this was definitely the best for your dollar. Yeah I did try to explain myself but the manager as well as her mother and son came out to yell at me. I just couldn't deal with that while I had a migraine, I shouldn't have been there anyways, MSG often gives me migraines, so FML again.

Quit while you're ahead

By noname - 20/03/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 377

You deserved it 8 284

By caughtontape - 22/03/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, my school handed out the new yearbook. I was so excited to be on the cover page in a group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. These books go out to the whole school. Everyone noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 369

You deserved it 20 637

By Puppysit88 - 16/04/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 881

You deserved it 9 096

By RockedSystem - 22/04/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I had to give a massage to an obese person with rank smelling fungus growing in between their skin folds. They tipped me two dollars. My hands still smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 522

You deserved it 5 912

Graveyard remix

By Jacky-Boy - 07/08/2009 00:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 619

You deserved it 7 487

By silkytaco - 17/02/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 153

You deserved it 44 539

By RC3Welly - 09/03/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 2 006

Hygienic

By imfullthanks - 14/03/2009 23:06 - Norway

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "How did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?" She yelled from the other room, "You know that little plate with the red stripe?" I was eating off it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 717

You deserved it 7 676

By ScoobieDoo - 20/03/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 99

By ohhotdamn - 26/03/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was texting two people at once. Trying to respond to my friend's text, I accidentally clicked on this guy's name instead, who I've never met. He just told me about his grandma's funeral he went to that was an open casket. I responded with, "Haha wow you slut, I'm sure you were aroused." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 757

You deserved it 83 030

ohhotdamn tells us more.

ohhotdamn 0

Friday 27 March 2009 1:22

ok first of all, i didnt really meant to say id never met him, because i actually did meet him once it was just informal, and i didnt meet him over the internet or something dumb like that. and i think its fixed because i told him the situation with my other friend and he said it was ok. and yes it is very common for girls to call each other ***** as a joke, even though it is kinda dumb to do.

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I finally convinced a girl that I liked to have sex. I decided to swoop her off the feet like the movies and carry her to my bed. I ended up hitting her head on the door frame, knocking her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 077

You deserved it 86 794

Wankers

By trainE - 30/03/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 376

You deserved it 94 700

By Cynical - 30/03/2009 03:49 - United States

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 303

You deserved it 37 125