Eoam

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By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 908

You deserved it 8 592

By whymommywhy - 21/04/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 308

You deserved it 26 990

Remember me

By laxguy23 - 21/04/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I got a email from my boss. He said he was going to have to let me go for missing so much work over the last week. I was laid off two months ago. I don't know what is more depressing, getting fired from a job twice or the fact it took two months for them to notice I wasn't there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 003

You deserved it 3 500

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 902

You deserved it 40 706

Drunken antics

By Screwed - 22/04/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly, "You need to work on that." We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said, "You need to work on not farting in your sleep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 555

You deserved it 87 650

Happy Birthday

By happybirthday - 22/04/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, was my birthday. I purposely didn't log onto Facebook all day, so that I could read all my birthday wishes at once. When I logged on at the end of the day, I had one notification. My "friend" had commented on a picture of me, saying I looked like Jabba the Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 081

You deserved it 9 485

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 756

You deserved it 19 215

By Lo_Bolian - 25/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 700

You deserved it 3 421

By CollegeGrad - 25/04/2009 06:39 - United States

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 788

You deserved it 16 935

Long time, no hear

By RckRagman - 30/04/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, three of the four stalls were occupied in the restroom. I took the fourth stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I heard, "Hey, how's it going?" I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 274

You deserved it 11 500

By Em - 30/04/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 67

By Wouldntitbeniceif - 01/05/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 866

You deserved it 15 074

By erectioninfection - 01/05/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, I had an ultrasound in fear of testicular cancer. I apparently signed papers allowing an intern to do it for practice. She was in her early 20s and smoking hot so as she was rubbing jelly on my testes I got an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 904

You deserved it 26 613

By jlover42 - 01/05/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I forgot my inhaler. I had an asthma attack and had to go to the ER. The doctors told me it wasn't an asthma attack. It was just a panic attack from worrying about whether I would get an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 881

You deserved it 18 356

By smartgirl - 01/05/2009 23:48 - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 598

You deserved it 5 498

By Sick - 02/05/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML

I agree, your life sucks 177 142

You deserved it 27 256

Strong bonds

By Anonymous - 02/05/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old daughter asked, "What would happen to me if you and daddy died?" I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said, "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 102 515

You deserved it 10 030

By Aether - 03/05/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137 050

You deserved it 7 612

Emergency

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307 635

You deserved it 20 925

By Anonymous - 04/05/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said, "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 070

You deserved it 12 716