DerpSalad

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The list of badges to find

Derpsalad's favorite FMLs

By EKG - 11/02/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for two days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 764

You deserved it 2 599

By tool - 09/04/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 916

You deserved it 143 249

By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 409

You deserved it 24 989

Intimate moment ruined

By captainocd - 19/08/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, my incredibly self-conscious girlfriend decided to get over her fears and let me see her in her underwear. She did a short strip tease, crawled on top of me, and asked what I thought. I couldn't think of anything to say besides, "Your bra and panties don't match." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 667

You deserved it 85 258

Classy

By bkay26 - 29/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 848

You deserved it 7 674

Hello? Hello?

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 638

You deserved it 4 098

911 is a joke

By Lauren Smith - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 736

You deserved it 6 268

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 07/01/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, feeling melancholic, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 236

You deserved it 6 257

Dad jokes

By phoenix101 - 16/05/2011 05:40

Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 044

You deserved it 67 275

By SophieGray - 20/05/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 921

You deserved it 5 073

New laws

By Andrew - 23/08/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 263

You deserved it 6 418

By arrowtopatella - 24/12/2011 05:15 - Australia

Today, my mother was watching me play Pokémon. She walked over to the TV and pulled the plug before ranting about how shameful it is that her 17 year old daughter plays Pokémon. She then sat down at the computer and started playing Farmville. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 536

You deserved it 6 042

arrowtopatella tells us more.

arrowtopatella 11

Saturday 24 December 2011 15:20

Hey guys, I'm the OP of this FML. I was playing XD- Gale of Darkness, one of my favourites. Alas there is no 'elite 4' as such in the Orre region, I was in the middle of catching a rare Wooper at a PokeSpot which I could have traded for an awesome Larvitar. Sigh. Rich world problems, I know. And yes, shock horror, I am a female that plays Pokemon, le gasp. And also I do play old-school Mario and stuff, I've been a Nintendo fangirl ever since I was little, occasionally migrating to other consoles to play things like Skyrim (No CoD for me though, thank you very much. Blegh.)

By GingerJ - 02/01/2012 01:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 091

You deserved it 8 367

By ooh cat - 18/05/2012 21:50 - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 836

You deserved it 4 771

By anonymous - 09/10/2012 05:53 - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 243

You deserved it 4 076

Dream Baby Dream

By Sleepless - 03/02/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 006

You deserved it 4 291

By sociallyawkward - 26/03/2014 18:06 - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to, and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 459

You deserved it 8 314

By Teu_much - 10/06/2014 02:33 - United States - Bronx

Today, I let my dog outside to play. He shat on three cars, played dead in the middle of the street, and chased my neighbors' cat into a pool. When he came back into the house, he had a note taped to his back saying "IOU 1 lawsuit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 001

You deserved it 25 060

Teu_much tells us more.

Teu_much 5

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:36

Thank you 42. That was the exact reason why I posted it. I never knew so much people on here would take this post to heart. It isn't that serious to hate me for it.

By Anonymous - 19/01/2015 13:35 - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's best friend. She was a girl he's known for years, and I respected that. She was sweet, until my boyfriend went to the bathroom and she threatened to stab me if I don't leave him. He doesn't believe me, and accused me of having serious jealousy issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 044

You deserved it 2 923

New sensation

By birchbeer - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned I'm claustrophobic by having a raging oh-god-I'm-gonna-fucking-die panic attack while I was stuck inside an MRI scanner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 952

You deserved it 2 540