jordanb19

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About Jordanb19

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The Mixer

You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.

Santa Claus

You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!

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I moderated this!

In "Moderate the FMLs", you voted Yes on a story that was subsequently published. Well done!

Up and coming moderator

It’s nice of you to help us sort out the submissions, using FML’s moderate feature.

Who’s the fairest of them all?

This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.

50 favorites

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Consolation prize

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One ring to rule them all

You submitted an FML, that was subsequently published, and statistically this makes you an exceptional person.

It's in the can!

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Judgmental

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One more and it's business time

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I agree, my mouse works.

200 "I agree" votes is a good start.

YDI Master

You made your 500th "You deserved it" vote.

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The list of badges to find

Jordanb19's favorite FMLs

It's better than nothing, I suppose

By thatonekid - 06/05/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my dad texted me, "I love u." I replied, "I love you too dad... are you drunk?" He answers back, "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 054

You deserved it 5 198

By dearme - 02/06/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 121

Dependa

By Anonymous - 03/07/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me explaining that he is getting married this weekend to a woman he met on Craigslist. Why? Because I won't marry him, and he'll make an extra thousand dollars per month having a wife since he is in the army. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 678

You deserved it 12 293

TMI

By Grossedouttt - 04/07/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 542

You deserved it 3 743

IN A RUSH, SORRY

By Anonymous - 04/07/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2-month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 826

You deserved it 10 801

Slapstick

By aireun - 09/07/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 288

You deserved it 42 180

By lady_jeni - 09/07/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I went to see my grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and doesn't remember me sometimes, and today she thought I was her sister and that I was trying to steal my grandfather from her. She hit me with a cane and called me a slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 550

You deserved it 3 243

Pure class

By DanceOnTheEdge - 20/07/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 747

You deserved it 19 408

By bossgroper - 23/07/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 962

You deserved it 5 532

By ginny - 10/09/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 290

You deserved it 8 266

Multitasking

By misc - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 771

You deserved it 3 563

Get back here!

By catgirl911 - 13/10/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 200

You deserved it 25 180

First date, and probably the last

By DrunkGirl - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 782

You deserved it 63 414

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I was in my car studying on the campus parking lot. It was cold outside so I had the windows up. I had a severe upset stomach and was privately drowning in my own flatulence. Moments later, my crush knocks on the window to ask me something. I had to roll the windows down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 952

You deserved it 6 878

What am I like?

By Joe - 01/11/2009 16:35 - United States

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 814

You deserved it 50 904

By x0SoReckless0x - 16/11/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 433

You deserved it 3 484

By JC - 06/12/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I realized I've lived alone too long. I read 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' to my cat. I used expression in my voice, and I made sure he could see the pictures. My son called, and I told him about it. He gave me the number for the local psychiatric ward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 558

You deserved it 9 889

Take what you can

By omglifee - 20/12/2009 04:13 - Canada

Today, I sneezed seven times in a row. That's the closest thing I've had to an orgasm in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 935

You deserved it 4 136

You're so cool

By TacoFail - 02/01/2010 04:46 - United States

Today, I went through the Taco Bell drive through. The lady at the window handed me my food and receipt. In a moment of insanity, I threw the receipt at the cashier and yelled, "WOOHOO!" I attempted to burn rubber and get the hell out of dodge, only to remember my car was in park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 004

You deserved it 60 775

By StinkyCactus - 08/01/2010 06:23 - United States

Today, my pet hedgehog thought it would be funny to roll around in the kitty litter. It was like washing a poopy cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 423

You deserved it 4 588

StinkyCactus tells us more.

StinkyCactus 0

Monday 11 January 2010 2:13

"LOL U CANT HAS PET HEDGIE ITS EVIL/FAKE FAKE FAKE/WHO HAS PET HEDGEDOG NEWAYS?" Eat a dick. "Google." Seriously, do you people really think it's okay to just open your ignorant trap about every little thing you have a misinformed opinion about? Seriously, before you get all stupid on the internet, know what you're talking about. "I AM TEH HEDGEHAWG OWNUR GOD AND UR DOIN IT WRONG!" Yes, it was a mistake for her to get into the cat's litter, but other than that, she is very well taken care of and very happy. I have done a lot of research about the kind of hedgehog she is and how to take care of her, so rest assured, she is in good hands, so please, pull your head out of your ass. Again- know what you're talking about before you judge. "HOW I GETZ HOG? PLZ TELL MEEEEEEEEE" Google. Seriously! That's how I did. I heard people had them as pets, so, I started researching. I drove 3 hours to find a qualified breeder to pick up my baby hedgie, but only before I spent a good week reading literature and reading articles by owners and breeders about their health and what to expect. DO NOT go get a hedgie on a random whim- AGAIN- know what you're doing before taking on a pet, of any kind. If you think you're ready, and can legally own one, look up your local breeder and set it up. Thank you for everyone with pleasant comments and/or at least civil ones if you disagree with hedgehog ownership.