The Top

Hey update for everyone: I decided "surprise" my mother and sister by inviting my new boyfriend over for dinner but didnt say who it was. When he came through the door and I introduced him as my boyfriend they stared shocked at me realizing that they had put their feet in their mouths. And just to add a little more salt to their wounds, I kissed him, smiled sweetly at him and asked my sister and mother "So, what do you think of him again? Im sure he would like to know if you approve." Needless to say they got the hint that not only do I not have low self esteem but I am VERY PROUD to be his girlfriend lol btw they havent talked crap about him since!

By StillBurning - 19/08/2017 01:30

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 740

You deserved it 686

By ugh annoying - 01/07/2011 07:41 - United States

Today, my sister was on shrooms. I wasn't able to tackle her before she called the cops to say that her books were trying to eat her face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 214

You deserved it 3 994

By fucking hell my eyes burn - 23/05/2014 22:46 - Germany

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 390

You deserved it 6 013

Quick thinking

By rolyat - 01/05/2012 16:41 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 779

You deserved it 4 014

Differences

By Alone - 21/05/2014 11:05 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 431

You deserved it 12 901

By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 938

You deserved it 4 436

Caught in 1080p

By wtf - 16/05/2014 22:25 - Australia - Narangba

Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 673

You deserved it 15 015

By lalanon - 03/04/2009 05:16 - Australia

Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 187 022

You deserved it 33 471

By gvmfvr - 08/05/2014 20:48 - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 48

By PanFace - 13/10/2009 06:54 - Australia

Today, I had an argument with my wife. I told her to get back in the kitchen. How does she respond? By doing what I told her to do, and returning to hit me with a frying pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 127

You deserved it 121 438

By Anna L. - 25/03/2013 00:23 - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 189

You deserved it 6 593

Still married

By need not know - 19/01/2020 05:00

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 992

You deserved it 240

By killmepls - 18/10/2017 14:00 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, I found out that I get incredibly, disgustingly ill if I eat anything before or during a flight. I discovered this 4 hours into a 23-hour flight to Greece. Only 19 hours of nausea to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 183

You deserved it 309

By NiHao - 28/09/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 184

You deserved it 3 900

I'm a weirdo, I'm a creep

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 04:00 - Canada

Today, I was sitting behind some bushes in the dark enjoying the view, when some cops came and confiscated my night-vision goggles, then warned me for acting like a "creepy perv." FML

I agree, your life sucks 519

You deserved it 3 565

By Anonymous - 25/09/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 016

You deserved it 3 949

By 12incher - 15/03/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 649

You deserved it 42 739

By The_Unlucky1 - 19/07/2016 03:38

Today, I was going to bed when a cockroach crawled out from under my pillow. I wasn't too afraid of it, until I looked away. It's hour two, and I still can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 392

You deserved it 2 101

The_Unlucky1 tells us more.

The_Unlucky1 19

Tuesday 19 July 2016 21:42

Hey guys! Op here! So, Yeah, haven't been able to find it. I'm sending in my cats to try and look for it, wish me luck!

By Biologyfacepalm - 03/03/2014 19:58 - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 726

You deserved it 4 931

By Anonymous - 25/02/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 098

You deserved it 61 443

Dodgy

By jsw029 - 26/02/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. We start having sex and, about 30 seconds in, he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek, and leaves. It turns out that he'd already came. I called his phone - wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 222

You deserved it 20 945

The Office 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 463

You deserved it 4 151

Get in there!

By Menareidiots - 24/02/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 859

You deserved it 22 734

**** McGee

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 096

You deserved it 5 153

Grindr danger

By notagain - 07/03/2020 09:01

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 759

You deserved it 307

Zapped

By joey - 09/03/2020 05:00

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 875

You deserved it 163

Deez nutz hurtz

By Anonymous - 11/03/2020 15:01

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 130

You deserved it 539

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 945

You deserved it 61 472

Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 287

You deserved it 5 014

Today, my throat is really swollen so I can only drink liquid. I noticed home-made ice-lollies in the freezer and had one. It tasted funny. Turns out my little brother had peed in one of those ice-lolly box and put it in the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 898

You deserved it 3 835

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 635

You deserved it 42 433

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 275

You deserved it 63 951

Today, I have been working on making a video game for three years, I'm tired and I want to quit, but the sunk cost is too much and I can't let it go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 177