The Top

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By PeedMaPants - 16/08/2016 00:04 - United Kingdom - Meopham

Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 389

You deserved it 2 370

Bondage prank [GONE SEXUAL]

By ldn - 21/03/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 773

You deserved it 13 005

Jumpy

By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 589

You deserved it 9 332

By This sucks - 11/10/2017 04:30

Today, in the toilet at work, I found that the scissors on my multitool are quite good at getting rid of a shit-stained shirttail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 642

You deserved it 631

Rocky VIX

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 20:06

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 373

You deserved it 368

Very funny, ha ha

By anne - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my 20 year-old son thought it would be funny to unbuckle my seat belt while the cops were right beside us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 019

You deserved it 4 224

By Anonymous - 02/04/2014 11:30 - Australia - Maribyrnong

Today, my students all handed in their 1,000 word papers. The assignment was for them to write about a strong, benevolent leader who influenced the world. Around half of the papers were about Hitler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 196

You deserved it 10 592

By Lilypad - 12/03/2013 00:21 - France - Versailles

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 741

You deserved it 56 637

Awkward

By Nikki - 18/03/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 208

You deserved it 91 623

Boom!

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 604

You deserved it 115

It's getting hot in here…

By pmek - 26/03/2012 09:11 - Australia - Collingwood

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 502

You deserved it 3 306

By lizim353 - 22/07/2016 03:40 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I had to make a choice between being kept awake by the heat, or the cackling seagulls outside my window. I still don't know what's worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 738

You deserved it 1 296

lizim353 tells us more.

lizim353 3

Saturday 23 July 2016 2:06

OP here. You're exactly right, it's like a humid and muggy kind of heat, even in Scotland... :')

By emergencyroom - 15/03/2014 12:21 - United States - Parkton

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 486

You deserved it 9 401

Harsh

By mugs - 12/03/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 696

You deserved it 24 013

Lingo

By Ethan - 09/03/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I'd got her. She replied, "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 189

You deserved it 95 474

By serverdessert - 08/03/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 577

You deserved it 19 301

Mind your own business

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 12:00

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 019

You deserved it 3 162

By emilygreeny - 18/06/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 476

You deserved it 57 122

Drunk online shopping FTW!

By danielesnaranjo - 31/10/2019 16:00

Today, after waking up with the worst hangover in years, I got a bank notification that my credit card was maxed out. Apparently, I bought a $1500 plane ticket for my ex-girlfriend to come over this weekend. She’s in South America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 699

You deserved it 2 310

By anonymous - 07/07/2016 15:24 - United States

Today, my friends woke me up on my birthday by spraying me with silly string. I have a job interview and it won't come out of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 817

You deserved it 1 040

Observational comedy

By JackOLantern2099 - 17/12/2019 18:00

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 564

You deserved it 371

Official meeting

By Anonymous - 03/01/2020 18:33

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 707

You deserved it 230

Temper tantrum

By QueenCortana Tiffany Turner - 07/02/2020 14:00

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 358

You deserved it 302

By chase - 25/01/2013 00:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 235

You deserved it 53 292

By Haley. - 26/03/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 340

You deserved it 6 548

Go away

By pokèscared - 10/03/2020 05:00

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 675

You deserved it 592

Dad Jokes, part 36646

By JackSoda - 26/03/2020 17:01

Today, my dad brought the double barrel shotgun to my room, gave me his hat and said, "It's all about survival now. At any cost, Coral." He keeps calling me Coral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 495

You deserved it 257

Marriage (Dress) Story

By Anonymous - 02/04/2020 17:00

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 830

You deserved it 164

By JJMan217 - 29/03/2011 06:28 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 351

You deserved it 77 029

By goldenpuppy - 19/05/2016 20:54 - United States - Somerville

Today, I was sitting on my couch when I felt something weird underneath me. I got up, thinking I'd sat on my phone or something. Wrong. I'd sat on a live mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 162

You deserved it 1 091

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The Top

Today, I finally stood up to my mom and told her that as an introvert I desperately need some time alone to just recover. She, being the bitch queen of the extroverts, translated this in her head to, “I hate this family”, so she screamed at me, called me ungrateful, and made me homeless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 587

You deserved it 147

Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 042

You deserved it 4 151

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 828

You deserved it 34 717

Today, riding the bus home from my domestic violence group therapy, I saw a billboard with the face of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 172

Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 723

You deserved it 2 751

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 231

You deserved it 1 604