The Top

Hi guys, OP here. Thanks for some of your funny comments, they made me laugh! To answer some questions, no, I do not sleep commando, yes I had pants on and no I wasn't robbed. I had a friend over, who stayed 'till pretty late (around 5 AM), so I was extremely exhausted. So exhausted that I fell asleep with my sweatpants still on, as I normally sleep without pants (so I was very lucky). I woke up about 30 minutes later, in the elevator. I had locked myself out, naturally, but luckily my friend lives in the same apartment building as me, and she had a spare key. I'm glad she opened the door when I rang her bell at 5:45 in the morning. I never had problems with sleepwalking before, and I haven't sleepwalked since. I hang my keys on the doorhandle every night, so that if I somehow manage to turn the lock and open the door, the keys will slide right off on top of my feet. That should wake me up if it ever happens again!

By DisappointedDaughter - 26/06/2019 16:03

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 807

You deserved it 281

By pinkrazorsare4men - 16/11/2016 00:51

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 891

You deserved it 905

By joanikens - 14/11/2016 07:20

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 263

You deserved it 1 062

By fyreangel - 10/11/2016 21:39 - United States - Warren

Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 373

You deserved it 973

By mala_19 - 12/06/2017 14:00 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 173

You deserved it 262

By shanson - 07/11/2016 14:06 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my mother lectured me for not spending enough time with her. We literally just got back from a 10 day vacation together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 776

You deserved it 835

By mathii - 23/07/2011 23:52 - France

Today, I was in swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your love life! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 793

You deserved it 6 176

Not a good look

By Da Boss - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I'm now his boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 274

You deserved it 2 067

Inner voice

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 804

You deserved it 44 863

Wrong place

By anonymous - 05/07/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 718

You deserved it 74 143

Tarred

By RetailJocky - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled on my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 699

You deserved it 341

By Laurita - 18/08/2017 04:30

Today, we started building our dream house. Next to my parents-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 379

You deserved it 804

By tequilashot - 20/09/2016 04:40 - Brazil - Porto Alegre

Today, I finally had sex with the man with whom I've been in love for months. Too bad I was too drunk to remember a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 642

You deserved it 4 852

Thanks, I guess…

By Steph - 19/08/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 530

By pechfogl - 26/08/2017 21:45 - Austria

Today, I got my period while spray tanning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 576

You deserved it 546

Joe Bidet

By userrrrr - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 454

You deserved it 3 839

By Anonymous - 07/09/2016 03:02 - Canada

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 142

You deserved it 2 603

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 10:30 - United States - Beaumont

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 464

You deserved it 8 366

By rickjameson - 29/08/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 174

You deserved it 1 051

By evomadrid24 - 17/06/2011 00:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 188

You deserved it 10 293

Scruffy 'erbert

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 00:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 233

You deserved it 138

Headshot

By owowowow - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 731

You deserved it 7 743

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I'm 37 years-old. I work full time and make 20 dollars an hour. I live with my parents. I still cannot afford to move out and I'm completely broke. I keep overspending because I get anxious because I feel like a failure. I'm addicted to sugar and eat a pint of ice cream a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279

You deserved it 630

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 289

You deserved it 3 643

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 2 176

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 340

You deserved it 33 577

Today, at work, I shat myself at my desk thinking it was a fart. I had to waddle down to the parking garage and drive myself home. I’m a grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 414

Today, after 6 months away, I came home to find out my mom has essentially untrained my dog by spoiling him rotten. She has, however, taught him to fart on command. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 210

You deserved it 1 209