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By Maddii1112 - 10/08/2016 19:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 584

You deserved it 1 120

By JFC - 17/07/2016 19:56

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 127

You deserved it 1 020

By wellfuck - 15/07/2016 23:04 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I got a call from a job I had applied for. Everything went great until I realized I had applied to the wrong location, across town. I'm so broke, I went to the interview anyway. It will cost me more to pay for the gas to drive there to work, than what I will actually make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 135

You deserved it 2 284

Break up

By natrat222 - 26/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Mesa

Today, I decided to eat a whole tub of blueberries before seeing a guy I've been hooked up with for a year and a half. While giving a blow job, I ended throwing up the blueberries right before he came. He left immediately, deleted me on Snapchat and told me I need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 646

You deserved it 1 140

Loud fart

By naomi3271 - 18/11/2019 20:00

Today, I accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 956

You deserved it 674

By bamrd - 01/07/2016 01:20 - United States - Boulder

Today, my university is capable of sending me two diplomas in short succession due to a clerical error, but can't recognize that I've graduated and won't be taking classes with them in the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 694

You deserved it 904

It still hurts

By Ferniferousfern - 02/03/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 951

You deserved it 341

By Oops - 23/05/2010 09:21 - Australia

Today, while out with my boyfriend I accidentally let out a rather large fart. I was in such shock the only sentence I could make was "I farted." Clearly he was in shock too because the only words he could utter were "I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 222

You deserved it 29 960

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 01/03/2020 18:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 113

What goes up…

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 11:10 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, the rollercoaster I was on stuck upside down for a few minutes. I shat myself in terror. Then, gravity took effect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 791

You deserved it 10 809

By fuundmental/// - 09/04/2011 05:46 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 676

You deserved it 10 006

Rash decision

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, I realised I’m allergic to sperm. I was a virgin until recently and my vagina always seemed to itch for days after sex, and I thought that might be normal, but then today I agreed to let my boyfriend facial me and within minutes I had a massive rash everywhere it touched my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 206

Help!

By jnp414 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 285

You deserved it 1 594

Irrational

By Anonymous - 23/02/2016 11:10 - France - Brunoy

Today, I accidentally left my bedroom light on all day. When I got home, my mum screamed at me for wasting electricity. This is the same woman who leaves the TV on all day while she’s at work, all so our dogs have something to watch and won't be “bored”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 182

You deserved it 1 474

The opposite of a good idea

By gorokhan2 - 27/04/2020 17:00

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 4 475

By Peanutbutter runner - 22/06/2018 07:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was instructed to make the "Staff Orientation and Training Manual" at work. It's my second day here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 496

You deserved it 252

By JoshWontonDo - 03/05/2016 15:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 207

You deserved it 15 182

By TrappedInSchool - 28/07/2018 12:30 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 719

You deserved it 514

Take a chill pill

By failed - 23/02/2011 10:06 - Switzerland

Spicy

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 121

You deserved it 46 332

Looking good

By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/09/2018 22:00

Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty." Not used to getting this sort of compliment every day, I felt extremely flattered… until he started explaining in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 977

You deserved it 210

By Anonymous - 14/03/2016 23:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I'm recovering from a brain injury that occurred a few months ago. The newest challenge I'm facing is thinking the floor is moving any time there is a change in colour or texture. My house has patterned tile floors and carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 858

You deserved it 1 242

Finger on the pulse

By alex - 13/03/2016 19:36 - United States - Seagrove

Today, I started a new job as a receptionist at a nursing home. When two men came in saying, "We're here for Mr. Christensen," I paged him to come to the front desk. Apparently, these men had come from the funeral home to pick up Mr. Christensen's body. I was completely unaware that anyone had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 105

You deserved it 1 653

By phalangesenfuego - 10/03/2016 14:07 - United States - Yakima

Today, a student came out to me, saying that she thinks she's gay. This has happened several times since I have taught here, which made me wonder why they were comfortable telling me. Turns out being a single, childless woman of my age screams "lesbian" to this particular community. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 970

You deserved it 2 094

phalangesenfuego tells us more.

phalangesenfuego 11

Friday 11 March 2016 3:28

OP here. Just to clarify, I'm not offended that people mistake me for a lesbian. What bothered me was the assumption was made based on what I feel are stereotypes of what a lesbian should be (single and childless). I do support ALL my students with whatever they come to me with, be it family issues, bullying problems, etc, and I feel privileged they feel comfortable enough to come to me with these things they are struggling with. And thank you for all the positive comments. Sometimes teaching is a thankless job, and positive support is few and far between.

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 01:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 148

You deserved it 7 037

Denial

By Unreciprocated - 25/02/2016 06:12 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 332

You deserved it 2 508

By AlwaysAfraid - 16/10/2018 22:00

Today, I went on a date for the first time in almost a year. To keep things casual, he had a couple of his friends join. Oh and by a couple of friends, I mean a party of people from his church. I'm not religious. The date wasn't even half over before I was being preached to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 217

You deserved it 297

Too much of a good thing

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 17:02

Spicy

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 028

You deserved it 735

By Anonymous - 19/02/2016 18:26 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my husband got some junk mail. My grandma brought the mail in and let my 5-year-old open it because it was just junk. It turns out it was a catalog from an adult toys shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 201

You deserved it 3 334

Early learner

By Michele - 18/01/2010 00:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, while babysitting a six year-old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his undies and pointed at his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 644

You deserved it 4 065

By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:52 - United States - Lakewood

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 095

You deserved it 7 225

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 581

You deserved it 4 124

Today, I was eating a brownie my grandmother had made, only to discover an inch long piece of what resembled dead skin in the middle of it. This discovery was only made after taking a bite and wondering why the consistency was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 162

You deserved it 2 481

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 887

You deserved it 5 083

Today, after 14 months of chronic acne, my doctor finally put me on medication for it. Just 24 hours after starting it, my face is bright red, peeling, and I have a puffy eyes. Turns out I'm allergic to it. My skin now looks 100x worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 735

You deserved it 187

Today, I am so shy and friendless that my mother is literally setting up a play-date with one of her friend's daughters. I'm 25 years-old and this is my best chance at making a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 749

You deserved it 8 897

Today, I went out to buy my wife some flowers and a chocolate bar that I overhead she liked the other day. On the way home, I was complimented on the bouquet I chose and feeling pretty good about myself. When I got home it turned out I got the wrong kind of flowers and the wrong percent of dark chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 141