musdesimd

Wow, the range of comments had me laughing to making a disgusted face. Thanks to everyone who was supportive but no need to worry! I'll explain things further but this will be long. And to people saying "woah I do the same thing!", you most likely have OCD, but DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE, ask your doctor about it before you prance around calling yourself mentally ill. For me, I've always done little sort of tensing my muscles and making both sides feel the same games with myself ever since I can remember, especially in the car. It didn't become a problem until high school, when I started doing finger things to each hand to calm myself down, and it escalated into something actually slightly debilitating. But anyways, so I also unfortunately have anxiety and depression to mix with my OCD, so I've never came out and said to most of my friends I have any of these things, or many people at all. I hate the "Oh just be happy and you'll feel better!" Comments so I tend to not bring it up unless necessary. (Think: having a permanent broken leg, and when people realize, the "advice" they give you is to walk on it and you should be fine). But anyway, in their defence they just thought I was being silly, I do have a lot of quirks so I don't blame them. If they hadve known it was causing me legitimate panic, they of course would have stopped, but I'm very good at covering up my negative feelings. It did give me a panic attack i had silently in the washroom the first time the original friend figured it out (lightly smacking my arm to get my attention and seeing what looked like me immediately covering the other one in pain, as if the opposite one they actually hit hurt. I would definitely find that funny too). They all had a go at poking my arm to see me poke the other one, and eventually seeing if it worked on other areas of my body. I was laughing along so they had no reason to assume it was genuinely distressing me, even though it was just my panicked (anxiety induced) "aw shit they figured it out I don't want them to know I'm even weirder, I'll just play it off" response. But the next time they saw me they had forgotten it all together almost, and now they only do it occasionally in a weird "insulting your friend to let them know you love them" kind of way. Those times I can genuinely laugh at. I'm all for making fun of myself and I get that it's pretty funny, and also it kind of helps me in a weird way. But if the level it was at the first time hadve continued after the first time, i 100% would have explained to them why it's not ok, and I can guarantee they never would've done it again. And advice to anyone who is dealing with something similar where it does genuinely bother them, really, let the people know. If they patronize you for it, they are strait up dick nuggets, don't take their crap. Sorry for the novel but hope i cleared some things up!