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    Ready, steady…

    dan - - Reserved

    Today, we had a sprint race in gym class that I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML
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    Sub - 04/12/2009 01:14 - United States

    Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML
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    theseguysarewhipped... - 06/10/2014 15:05 - Canada - London

    Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML
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    Anonymous - 09/01/2011 05:26 - United States

    Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML
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    tht1chk - 31/10/2010 00:37 - United States

    Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML
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    43_clothespins_later - 21/11/2013 00:12 - United States - Richmond

    Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML
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    stupid - 21/12/2010 15:21 - Ireland

    Today, I walked to school in - 5°C degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML
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    Latina - 11/01/2013 10:24 - United States - Phoenix

    Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML
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    All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain

    Anonymous -

    Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML
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    MAKE IT STOP

    STOPTHENOISE - 14/10/2013 13:10 - United States - Jefferson

    Today, someone in my 8-floor appartment building got an airhorn. They seem to enjoy using it. I can't work out where they are. FML
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    Anger management

    FML - 08/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

    Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML
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    jsquared - 05/11/2010 23:17 - United States

    Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML
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    Anonymous - 22/02/2013 10:25 - United States - Winter Park

    Today, I walked 6 miles to see my girlfriend. After 5 and a half miles, she broke up with me because I never visit her. FML
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    Quiet

    Anonymous - 07/08/2011 01:40 - United States

    Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML
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    weirdedout - 24/05/2010 15:14 - United States

    Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asked, "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML
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    confused - 07/04/2013 14:51 - Australia - Glen Waverley

    Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML
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    Careless Whisper

    ihatejasonderulo - 02/09/2014 15:32 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

    Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML
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    Jim - 10/03/2011 18:09 - United States

    Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML
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    Jamestown of Vagina - 13/09/2014 14:36 - United States - Houston

    Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML
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    dsamanthas - 23/02/2014 08:10 - United States - Covina

    Today, after being worried for a week because my dog wasn't eating, I paid the vet $120 for her to tell me that my dog doesn't like her dog food. FML
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    iliketoastalot - 09/08/2011 17:38 - United States

    Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML
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    Sophies - 26/12/2013 00:45 - United Kingdom - Bristol

    Today, I woke up on Christmas morning to find that a large cock and balls had been keyed into the windscreen of my car. My new, two-week-old car, which I will be paying off for the next four years. FML
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    wannadi - 03/03/2013 09:29 - United States - Camden

    Today, I was told by co-workers with whom I have worked for 2 years that I tan too much and dye my hair black too often. I'm from the Middle East and have never tanned nor dyed my hair. My co-workers think I'm a wannabe. FML
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    Bad omen

    weddingblues - 30/05/2011 04:19 - United States

    Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML
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    secretdoll - 09/11/2010 07:51 - United States

    Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML
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    disappointed - 07/06/2011 17:05 - United States

    Today, after spending thousands of dollars and several years pursuing a higher education so I could get a high paying job doing something that requires skill and brainpower, I finally got my first job offer after months of searching. I will be cleaning houses. FML
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    Anonymous - 05/10/2014 17:04 - United States - Louisville

    Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML
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    DF - 26/06/2014 14:58 - Israel - Rehovot

    Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML
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    With friends like these…

    z…… - - Greece

    Today, I found out my "best friends" have gone on a crazy weekend and they didn't invite me. FML
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    ineedbetterfriends - 15/06/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

    Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML
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    FMyLife FMyLife
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    Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML
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    Today, I spent all day watching sad cat adoption/rescue videos on Instagram and now I'm bummed out thinking about how mine are going to die within my lifetime. FML
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    Today, I learned that my husband is getting deployed for we don’t know how long, and I’ll be left all alone, in a different country far away from home. FML
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    Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML
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    Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML
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    Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML
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    © VDM SAS,

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