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    : 320



    Anonymous - 01/10/2009 14:06 - Canada

    Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I was on their bed having sex with their daughter. FML
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    firsttimer69 - 20/03/2009 06:11 - Canada

    Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML
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    unemployed - 10/03/2009 02:00 - United States

    Today, as I was bagging groceries, I looked down to see a 6-year-old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own goddamn business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML
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    Wet dreamer - 17/01/2018 19:00

    Today, I slept in my boyfriend's room for the first time. I also wet the bed for the first time in a decade. FML
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    shit Music - 30/06/2016 07:32 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

    Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML
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    Idiots - 05/09/2009 20:54 - Canada

    Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML
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    Classic

    Noname - 24/02/2009 22:57 - United States

    Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number, "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue." He told me, "Yeah, sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away, I read his note, which read: "911". FML
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    Spooky season is nearly here

    Anonymous - - United States

    Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML
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    zamwow - 20/12/2013 23:36 - United States - Ridgefield Park

    Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Just as he was about to finish, he pulled out and came in his hand. He then flicked his hand towards my face and yelled, "Sha-ZAM!" FML
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    Thanks, Mom

    The Towel Molester - 26/01/2012 14:49 - Australia

    Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity." I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML
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    Radbaby - 20/06/2018 01:30

    Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML
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    anonymaiacciu - 22/12/2012 01:16 - France

    Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML
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    Treasure hunt

    bubbalicious - 13/08/2009 20:57 - Canada

    Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year-old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML
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    Forgetting something?

    Julez - 14/01/2012 16:14 - United States

    Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML
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    Fox_Undercover - 30/04/2016 20:33 - United States - Wareham

    Today, my dentist pulled the wrong tooth. FML
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    bookbroke - 26/04/2016 04:27 - Canada - Regina

    Today, I found out that someone found my lost library card, and instead of returning it, took out multiple items. If they don't return them, I'm on the hook to paying over $100 for them. FML
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    sleepylillion - 25/04/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

    Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML
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    she won't see a therapist - 23/04/2016 04:37 - United States - Omaha

    Today, my wife's paranoia reached a new level. She spent a half hour fretting over the idea that one of the cleaning ladies at our hotel might have taken a used condom from our room and tried to get pregnant with it. FML
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    Anonymous - 03/08/2009 04:11 - United States

    Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML
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    clashgurl8449 - 17/02/2011 08:08

    Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML
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    SKYYYLLLARRRR!!!! - 01/02/2015 16:17 - United States - Gurnee

    Today, my Breaking Bad-obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks" during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML
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    TeddyBearKiller - 07/10/2013 01:11 - United States

    Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML
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    Anonymous - 22/09/2018 13:30

    Today, I apparently had diarrhea in my sleep. I had to get up and sneak to the bathroom so as to not wake my husband. When he asked about the stain, I panicked and told him I started my period. FML
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    screwedflyer - 03/10/2018 14:00 - Czech Republic - Prague

    Today, I flew cross-country. Since the movers with my furniture and car won't arrive for 2 weeks, I packed several bags with most of my clothes and charging cords. The airline lost them. FML
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    Secondyearcollegekid - 03/10/2018 15:30

    Today, one of my housemates licked or bit all 12 of the cupcakes I'd bought to give to a friend as a "Thank you" gift. No one will own up to it. FML
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    ARGHHHH - 04/10/2018 05:00

    Today, my mom ordered my birthday presents on eBay. Too bad she used my account, so when I went to look for ideas, everything she bought me popped up. It's so much stuff I don't want, need, or will ever use, and it's on my credit card. FML
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    goodbyeGPA - 08/10/2018 17:30

    Today, the first day of school, I went to the book store to purchase my textbooks. Not only did I wait for 30 minutes, but they didn’t even have my books in stock. I was advised to visit another campus 45 minutes away. They didn’t have it either. I have assignments due already. FML
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    Late bloomer

    Mike - - United States

    Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML
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    sosoram - 13/10/2018 05:00 - United States - Victorville

    Today, I learned that the gentleman who found my wallet was not satisfied with the $300 cash and forged a check for a washer and dryer. I found out when I checked my account. It cleared. FML
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    Volcanic

    poopshooter101 - 30/06/2009 11:53 - United States

    Today, I was at Walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong, she said that I'd "killed her nose." FML
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    Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML
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    Today, my husband ran in to get something, shouted that he “had to go, I’ll call you later, bye” then ran out. At no point did he notice the wrapped present, his favourite meal and beer, and me naked on the living room carpet waiting to celebrate his birthday. I still don’t know where he is. FML
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    Today, I woke up in the middle of the night choking and had to open my bedroom window. No, it wasn’t a gas leak. My husband had a curry last night and his constant farting was so bad I was struggling to breathe. FML
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    Today, my girlfriend dumped me when I told her I once got out of jury duty. It was a legitimate reason with evidence from my neurosurgeon, but she thinks I should have done my civic duty, while enduring the pain of screws holding my skull together. FML
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    Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML
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    Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML
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