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Relationship goals

By Anonymous - 17/05/2015 05:10 - United States

Today, my husband missed the toilet again. I would have been less disgusted if he'd peed this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 524

You deserved it 2 702

By lk mm, n vwls - 11/01/2014 01:20 - United States - Mansfield Depot

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 482

You deserved it 4 821

By Courtney - 04/02/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 465

You deserved it 34 709

DILF

By Anonymous - 06/05/2016 16:55 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 945

You deserved it 1 490

By Anonymous - 06/01/2012 22:13 - Denmark

Today, I saw a naked man for the first time in my life. It was the nude model in my art class. I was forced to draw wrinkles and fat rolls in places I didn't even know existed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 663

You deserved it 5 289

By Anonymous - 30/03/2016 17:02 - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 175

You deserved it 1 736

Not that there's anything wrong with that

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 471

You deserved it 4 639

Nice try

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 17:29 - United States - Kent

Today, this girl I've been talking to texted me, saying she was going to visit. Trying to be sweet, I bought her $50 worth of chocolate and a cute card. Turns out she meant to send that text to her ex. Seems like the only thing I'll get from this relationship is diabetes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 088

You deserved it 5 474

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 19:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 262

You deserved it 3 510

By opposableouch - 27/10/2009 18:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I sliced a deep gash into my thumb while carving up bagels. After putting a plaster on, I returned to my room to relax, where I lit a candle. The flame from my new lighter shot up, and set fire to the plaster on my thumb. Now I have a cut AND several burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 011

You deserved it 7 985

By Girl-with-the-glasses - 11/04/2012 07:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out about my old school's class reunion, which I wasn't invited to. Everyone has my number and e-mail address. They just "forgot" to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 879

You deserved it 2 874

By LesToiliettes - 25/03/2012 07:12 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 952

You deserved it 2 178

I remember…

By vcarder - 26/09/2009 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 726

You deserved it 6 395

By JimiHendrix - 01/03/2013 01:55 - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 987

You deserved it 7 365

By wolfie898 - 21/05/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 671

You deserved it 8 309

Wolfie898 tells us more.

Wolfie898 0

Sunday 22 May 2011 7:09

my mom is actually divorced

DUDE! WTF?

By Anonymous - 21/09/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 803

You deserved it 2 722

Chillin'

By lacy - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Louisville

Today, I told my husband to give our dog a bath while I was at work. When I returned home, I found my dog, along with my husband, in the bath together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 767

You deserved it 10 667

By ugh - 21/01/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 470

You deserved it 6 041

By norestforthewicked - 19/04/2011 04:30

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 119

You deserved it 4 341

By yesnomaybeso7 - 12/07/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 560

You deserved it 5 621

By IceMage - 18/01/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to sneak into the shower at her house while her parents went out to eat and a movie. Half way through our shower we heard a knocking at the door, it was her mom. We had left all of our clothes downstairs. Safe to say I won't be allowed there any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 656

You deserved it 39 458

By crier - 27/08/2013 18:34 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 642

You deserved it 12 477

By imawesomeokay - 20/07/2013 05:53 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 267

You deserved it 10 972

By Anonymous - 13/09/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 144

You deserved it 2 622

Forwarded

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 296

You deserved it 7 771

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 676

You deserved it 6 824

By liilii - 30/08/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 711

You deserved it 6 711

By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 23:46 - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 066

You deserved it 3 776

By figures - 16/11/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I got a card from the jewelry store thanking me for purchasing an engagement ring a year ago and wishing me and my fiancée a long and everlasting marriage. Too bad my fiancée took off with the pizza delivery boy 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 779

You deserved it 2 412

By BellinaNico - 25/05/2013 04:40 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 698

You deserved it 8 313

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 932

You deserved it 28 390

Today, my six year-old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 122

You deserved it 3 509

Today, my boyfriend confessed the reason we haven’t been intimate in months is because he can’t get it up unless he is drunk. I’ve been refusing to get intimate when he’s drunk because it’s not enjoyable and mostly painful, but I still have needs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 182

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when I'm drunk. I asked, "What about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 914

You deserved it 3 816

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunderstorm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96 996

You deserved it 252 098

Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, all while shaking my booty about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted, "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 967

You deserved it 10 633