The Top

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By suspended - 09/08/2014 00:16 - Australia

Today, while I was working customer support, a lady hung up on me mid-sentence, and I trailed off, saying, "…aaannnddd you hung up on me like a bitch." Turned out she was still on the line and had just accidentally hit mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 633

You deserved it 41 272

By shiiiiit - 15/11/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 179

You deserved it 12 541

By tampondealer - 09/11/2009 18:42 - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 152

You deserved it 2 799

By GreenMonstR - 25/04/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my wife. As we were walking out, I helped an elderly woman get through the door. As I was opening the door, my foot got stuck on the door and my face was catapulted into the woman's breasts. It wasn't until we got into the car that my wife burst into hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 256

You deserved it 4 782

By Sebastian20 - 08/05/2013 11:05 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 354

You deserved it 15 626

By JimmyJazzNJ - 12/04/2009 02:51 - United States

Today, I was giving a tour on campus when one of my friends approached us and said "Don't go here, the weed's too expensive." and walked away. Thinking he's coming back to say he's joking, he instead says "Just kidding, its really cheap." and walked away. I may or may not still have a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 847

You deserved it 5 112

By wasntme - 30/03/2009 10:14 - Netherlands

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 592

You deserved it 7 457

By voyagevoyage - 09/04/2014 22:38 - France - Les Montils

Today, I told my neighbor that I was going to Réunion Island on vacation in a few months. She said that she'd always wanted to go there. As a light-hearted joke, I said she should come with me. She's now booked a plane ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 277

Tubular Bells starts playing…

By so scared - 08/02/2014 17:13 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon, after I'd explained to her how scared I was of The Exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 709

You deserved it 6 209

Cheeky

By Anonymous - 29/08/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off, so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 598

You deserved it 8 637

Repetition

By Fuck - 25/02/2015 21:39 - United States - Fowler

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 815

You deserved it 4 453

By Anonymous - 07/11/2012 15:44 - United States

Today, despite my pleading, my boyfriend mounted a set of bullhorns above our headboard. Guess what came crashing down on our heads at 2am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 562

You deserved it 2 535

By Angrily Paranoid - 06/10/2013 05:29 - United States - Seattle

Today, my paranoia got so bad that I had to physically restrain myself from aggressively confronting the kid walking behind me on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 882

You deserved it 6 221

By Anonymous - 24/01/2011 00:22 - United States

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 494

You deserved it 5 409

I'll leave you to it then…

By scared shitless in ohio - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 335

You deserved it 5 650

By ohdearyme - 09/01/2015 12:06 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 466

You deserved it 3 123

By haappynewyear - 01/01/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 015

You deserved it 6 105

By Grounded - 29/12/2009 18:50 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 282

You deserved it 3 863

By IncompatibleMetier - 09/10/2014 23:07 - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 170

Nervous nelly

By rejected - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I thought I was finally over my anxiety problem, and confidently went to my first ever job interview. Halfway through, the manager told me that if I didn't stop being so nervous, he couldn't give me the job. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 854

You deserved it 5 186

By oops - 22/08/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 534

You deserved it 50 764

By Anonymous - 22/09/2015 04:31 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I began taking a French language class. After completing and submitting some homework, I got a response. A response that was completely in French. I can't understand shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 124

You deserved it 3 629

By Anon - 06/09/2015 12:50 - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 885

You deserved it 1 826

By defrauded - 08/03/2013 18:44 - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 831

You deserved it 3 069

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 16:14 - United States

Today, my mom tried to convince my dad that I was a lesbian. Why? Because she was bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 693

You deserved it 3 886

By OhDamn - 16/09/2009 06:34 - United Kingdom

Today, there was a knock at my door, and I was greeted by a punch to the face. The man was the extremely angry "fiancé" of the girl I've been married to for just over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 035

You deserved it 3 009

By Anonymous - 30/05/2015 03:07 - United States - Salem

Today, my crazy neighbor screamed at me from her porch for walking "too close" to her plants. I was on the sidewalk. She sprayed me with her hose anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 646

You deserved it 2 120

By Arielle - 31/01/2012 11:07 - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 629

You deserved it 4 411

Wicked game

By Anonymous - 25/11/2013 17:06 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 385

You deserved it 7 433

Panic!

By Lotje13 - 01/01/2012 00:19 - Hungary

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 821

You deserved it 2 622

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The Top

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 715

You deserved it 36 555

Today, I was assigned to work on a group project with some coworkers. The entire time, one guy insisted on "taking charge" and assigning everyone tasks. He gave me a single task: “Create a 15-slide presentation.” I completed it in less than an hour. He then decided we needed a 100-slide presentation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 78

Today, my landlord told me they are making my building non-smoking. The main reason I moved to this old run-down building was it was cheap and I could smoke in my own home, since you can't find that anymore. Oh, they also just increased rent by 20%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 1 054

Today, when we were at wrestling practice, we had to bend over to stretch. When I bent down, I noticed a car on the street stopped. There was a sixty year old man watching us. He then licked his lips and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 139

You deserved it 4 256

Today, I found out my son is getting bullied. His stepdad doesn’t care, in fact he’s all for bullying because he thinks it will force my son to stop being smart, or "a dork" as he calls him, and fit in with the normal kids for a change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 340

You deserved it 218

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because his online gaming friends don't like it when I ask him to spend time with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 166