The Top

I finally got the one screaming to calm down and go to sleep. I also got the vibrator away from the other kid by distracting him with my phone. Everything was good when the parents came home, until the kid told his mom about a cool "spaceship".

By accident - 14/02/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 087

You deserved it 5 840

Keep the change

By imwithapples22 - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the last customer of the night shift handed me their money along with a wad of their hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 087

You deserved it 2 453

By nykkymcallister - 19/05/2016 03:07 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband and I both got smart watches. We were running around, acting like we were in a James Bond movie, having fun. Until our neighbors called the cops on us for hiding in their bushes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 119

You deserved it 6 175

nykkymcallister tells us more.

nykkymcallister 15

Friday 20 May 2016 3:59

This is my FML!! I'm honestly surprised it got published. To add more to this, me and my husband both got smart watched (no not Apple watches) because I had gotten one and he wanted to steal it so I got him one too. I said that we should go around our yard and act like we're in a James Bond movie and he agreed. The neighbors didn't know it was us which is why the cops were called. No charges were pressed and my neighbors were fine with us being in their bushes after we told them what we were doing and they even wanted to join us lol. Thank you for all the nice comments!

By Alejandroc - 20/01/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 182

You deserved it 3 476

By schooyou101 - 04/12/2012 00:53 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 902

You deserved it 3 976

By BirthdayGirl - 24/07/2009 18:13 - United States

Today, I turned 18. I thought it was bad enough that I had to pick up my own ice cream cake from the store, but then when I got home, my family discovered no more room in the freezer. They decided to eat it so it wouldn't melt. Without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 493

You deserved it 3 342

Sirquo tells us more.

Sirquo 0

Saturday 25 July 2009 16:10

Alright, I'm the OP, and I left because I had a migraine and wanted to go lay down. I brought the cake inside and plopped it on the counter, since my parents said they would put it away. I did NOT have a party, and alright, my life sucks because I wanted an ice cream cake. I have no life, I have no friends, make you guys happy?

Brokeass Mountain

By collegebroke - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Lakewood

Today, I hit a new low in my financial troubles when I left my work to retrieve twenty-five cents after seeing someone drop it across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 807

You deserved it 4 632

New management

By anonix - 21/12/2014 19:08 - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss's new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off." She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 172

You deserved it 4 410

Whisky ********

By noO - 07/02/2016 17:43 - United States - Greenwood

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 292

You deserved it 3 907

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 05:17 - United States

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 990

You deserved it 8 700

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 815

You deserved it 8 689

By Becckzfizz - 20/06/2013 14:10 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I left hospital after a three-night stay. Whilst waiting for my taxi to arrive, my mother called me in hysterics wanting to know where I was, because the police had called her and told her I had gone missing. Turns out my doctor "forgot" to tell anyone that I was discharged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 597

You deserved it 3 292

Becckzfizz tells us more.

Becckzfizz 7

Monday 24 June 2013 16:46

Hello, I wrote this, Yes I'm in England. I'd text my mum to let her know that I was on my way home, she'd replied and all was well. Next thing I know she's ringing me again thinking that I've done a runner from the hospital. The doctor had discharged me and signed all of my forms, though the nurses on duty had not been notified of this and immediately called the police to report me as a missing person (even though I was waiting for my taxi in the hospital entrance), the police then contacted my emergency contact (my mum) and then she called me. I understand that it wasn't the Doctors fault, it was just a clerical error. All clear?