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A more innocent time…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 235

You deserved it 3 432

By cookiecrust - 07/12/2009 14:44 - Singapore

Today, I found out from my mom that the sweet smelling shampoo she bought recently belongs to Tammi. I've been using it for a week now. The chocolate drops I ate yesterday are also hers. Tammi is our pet Chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 628

You deserved it 9 091

By freckle82 - 12/05/2009 13:09 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 4:30am because I forgot to turn my Blackberry off 'loud'. I woke up to find an email from my ex-boyfriend's crazy mother who had sent me pictures of her son's wedding that had happened over the weekend. I am still single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 631

You deserved it 4 553

By speechless - 01/06/2013 00:50 - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 138

You deserved it 6 096

By Damn - 05/06/2012 19:36 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Spicy

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 633

You deserved it 7 951

By future brain bleach addict - 02/05/2013 23:54 - Canada - Victoria

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my sister apparently trying to eat herself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 140

You deserved it 8 585

By meowmeow - 21/09/2010 04:38 - Australia

Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 779

You deserved it 31 305

Contacts

By Mr.no contacts - 31/03/2013 07:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 638

You deserved it 5 743

By disgusteddaughter - 13/06/2011 08:58 - Australia

Today, my mum's boyfriend came back from a job up-state. He is now walking around the house in boxers to "show off his tan". He has a beer gut and a hairy back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 771

You deserved it 3 427

By Foreveralone - 09/04/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 041

You deserved it 2 997

By SadDad - 06/03/2009 01:51 - United States

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 341

You deserved it 4 363

By whyme27 - 09/09/2009 02:41 - Canada

Today, I washed one of my roommates t-shirts. I forgot to remove it before putting it in the dryer, and all the print on the front melted off. It was a gift from his girlfriend. Who has just passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 588

You deserved it 20 427

By thatoneperson - 17/02/2012 12:43 - United States

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 441

You deserved it 5 909

By Anonymous - 21/01/2013 21:26 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 265

You deserved it 3 826

The red knob incident

By Bee - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 512

You deserved it 93 307

By socialix - 19/04/2015 01:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 744

You deserved it 3 430

Oh, hai Mark!

By hi Mum - 11/12/2013 19:59 - United States - North Charleston

Spicy

Today, I learned that just because you live on a different continent, it doesn't mean your mother won't come knocking when you are having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 354

You deserved it 5 206

By scfead - 14/08/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was walking home when a man passed me and stopped. Thinking he was staring at my butt, I asked him kindly to stop. He then laughed and grabbed my wallet that was in my back pocket, and ran. He wasn't staring at my butt, and found it funny that I thought he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 541

You deserved it 16 209

Ill advised

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 08:16 - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 594

You deserved it 11 617

By Ugggggggggg - 06/11/2012 05:11 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 620

You deserved it 4 869

By lolcat97 - 28/01/2015 22:35 - United States - Hyde Park

Today, instead of taking down the Christmas tree, my sister covered it with Valentine's Day decorations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 503

You deserved it 3 877

lolcat97 tells us more.

lolcat97 28

Thursday 29 January 2015 16:25

I'm the OP, and I'm glad this got published! For those wondering, it is a fake tree. And it was actually because of my laziness that I had her take it down because I never got around to it. That is when she came up with her "brilliant" idea to cover it with Valentine's Day decorations, which my parents did not seem too impressed with haha.

Definitely memorable

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 831

You deserved it 55 097

Yikes

By Charles Pennington - 22/11/2011 11:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 896

You deserved it 3 376

Lil' cutie

By pitytitty - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 815

You deserved it 7 349

WTF is this fresh hell?

By swag papi - 22/01/2016 05:47 - Australia - Perth

Spicy

Today, my pubic hairs were poking into my wang. I went to scratch it. Something bit my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 040

You deserved it 8 378

By whymegirl - 22/07/2012 04:24 - United States - Worcester

Today, my cousin is coming home after his honeymoon. His gift to his new wife was a puppy, which I said I would take care of while they went away. I sneezed last week and scared the puppy. She ran off. This was ten days ago, and I still haven't found the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 072

You deserved it 8 605

By Anonymous - 10/07/2012 10:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 896

You deserved it 41 421

Tasty snack ideas

By Stellarum - 18/08/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 650

You deserved it 4 231

Grounded

By cock sauce - 09/06/2012 21:15 - Switzerland - Luzern

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 389

You deserved it 29 686

By Jack00412 - 08/07/2014 19:55 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year-old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 325

You deserved it 5 543

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Today, I went to my dad's workplace because my sister was there and I wanted to see my newborn niece. I was overjoyed until my dad came up to me. It had apparently been pretty hectic for the past week, because he was on the verge of another stress-induced heart attack. Yes, another. We had to help him outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 88

Today, I got my medical checkup back. Apparently, I'm diagnosed with a liver condition generally found in alcoholics. I've never drank in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 466

You deserved it 3 695

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 832

You deserved it 4 584

Today, I ate some hardboiled eggs for breakfast, not knowing they were practically rotten. My whole day has consisted of vomit-inducing sulfuric farts and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 388

You deserved it 9 344

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 605

You deserved it 921

Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 708

You deserved it 3 465