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By Anonymous - 22/06/2016 02:45 - United States - Chillicothe

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 837

You deserved it 1 277

By AnnoyedSister - 30/12/2013 22:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, my 12-year-old daughter glued her left eyelid shut with fake eyelash glue. After spending 4 hours in the ER, I asked her why she did it. "I wanted to get Blake to notice me," she said. Blake is our neighbor's convict son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 232

You deserved it 4 393

AnnoyedSister tells us more.

AnnoyedSister 7

Tuesday 31 December 2013 19:35

Hi everybody! OC here. I guess I didn't put enough details in my FML as I could: So I'll tell you all the WHOLE story. Blake is 17 years old. Yes he is a convict currently on parol. I cannot remember exactly WHAT he did, but I believe it was either Breaking and Entering or he stole a car. I'm not positively sure. Also: I could not get off the eyelash glue with warm water or make up remover because her eyelashes were going inward towards her eye and frankly, my daughter wouldn't stay still long enough for me to even try. To all the commenters who said "Keep an eye on your daughter." Nice pun. But she is twelve years old so I'm pretty sure even if I tried to pay attention she'd say something along the lines of "Go away mom!" Or "What do you want?!" So yeah. Blake also does NOT flirt with my daughter (thank goodness) and they've only met once, when they moved in. The funny thing is, he can't even get her name right. Her name is Violet, but he insists on calling her Veronica. So, no marriage plans yet! Yay!

By futuregigolo - 22/12/2012 00:11 - United States - Strasburg

Today, I went to the local used books store to sell all my college textbooks. I spent several hundred dollars on them in total. I ended up walking out of the shop a pathetic $3.50 richer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 985

You deserved it 7 683

By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 10:06 - United States - Rockford

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!" I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 989

You deserved it 49 035

By Tey - 22/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 943

You deserved it 17 865

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 244

You deserved it 5 865

By DCarreon - 04/10/2012 07:13 - United States - Ceres

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 360

You deserved it 3 269

My wife

By Michael D. - 25/08/2012 16:06 - United States - Duluth

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 871

You deserved it 27 194

By Anonymous - 09/04/2012 22:32 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 630

You deserved it 3 011

By prisonbitch - 18/02/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, after five different interviews, I got an offer for a great job. I was excited to fill out paperwork and get the ball rolling, until they called and said that I didn't pass the criminal background check. I get off probation in less than a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 243

You deserved it 38 679

By jessica - 02/02/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 385

You deserved it 7 473

Gotta have it

By kp. - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 998

You deserved it 59 212

By bluestarr1 - 10/09/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, my husband went downstairs to play Call of Duty. When he came back after only 20 minutes I said, "Awww, did you miss me?" He said, "No, the controller died." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 038

You deserved it 8 219

bluestarr1 tells us more.

bluestarr1 7

Monday 12 September 2011 5:22

I'm pregnant & on bed-rest. I rely on him for a lot since I can't go downstairs. I thought him playing COD with his friends would give us a break from our constant interactions with each other. It just wasn't long enough for him. And keeping him entertained wasn't a part of our wedding vowels.

By aliqi - 12/05/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 331

You deserved it 3 429

Intervention

By Alisha - 30/03/2011 17:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 013

You deserved it 4 670

Movie night

By ditched - 17/08/2009 19:49 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 182

You deserved it 6 153

By jkin47 - 04/08/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 684

You deserved it 4 046

Great start

By whytoday - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 759

You deserved it 8 461

By Anonymous - 07/07/2009 05:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my father, who is divorced from my mother, has set up a lawsuit against her and that I am required to go to court and testify against her as a witness. I've tried to keep neutral for six years, and I'll go to jail if I don't show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 575

You deserved it 3 321

By sasquatch - 08/09/2012 04:03 - United States - Katonah

Today, my boyfriend requested that I shave my lips so I spent an hour in the shower carefully removing every trace of pubic hair. Turns out he wanted me to shave my moustache, not my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 792

You deserved it 33 699

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 349

You deserved it 14 545

By Cooper491 - 15/09/2011 21:22 - Australia

Today, I was at a bar with my friend, when I noticed a young lad at a table near to us. I thought it'd be funny to jeer and flick peanuts at him. I went to the restroom, only to come back to my friend face-down on the floor. Turns out the guy fucked him up instead, and now he won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 239

You deserved it 60 947

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 18:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 390

You deserved it 29 334

Say Anything 2.0

By notsomuch - 01/08/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 901

You deserved it 3 977

By Burned - 05/06/2011 00:54 - United States

Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 115

You deserved it 7 107

By Anonymous - 02/02/2012 18:07 - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 513

You deserved it 26 062

By dejected - 28/02/2010 01:32 - United States

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 282

You deserved it 6 749

Like a virgin

By JustSomeGuy - 30/07/2013 03:43 - United States - Bulverde

Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 129

You deserved it 9 627

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:24 - United Kingdom

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 970

You deserved it 48 618

By The_Taxman - 20/08/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years confessed that she'd gotten married. But not to worry: she only did it for "tax reasons." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 602

You deserved it 3 083

The_Taxman tells us more.

The_Taxman 5

Sunday 21 August 2011 3:31

I was the one who submitted this FML. She was a full-time girlfriend that I was committed very deeply to and had every intent of spending the rest of my life with. Then she sprang the whole "getting married to some other guy to help out with taxes" thing.