The Top

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By Totallyscrewed - 10/02/2013 05:17 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 576

You deserved it 3 673

By muffingirl - 10/02/2010 12:30 - United Kingdom

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend reached over and pinched my love handles and said "Where did this muffin top come from?". Then he sang "Do you know the muffin man?" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 831

You deserved it 8 162

We got a reader!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2012 05:18 - United States - Hobbs

Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 713

You deserved it 3 795

By 1fungi - 07/12/2010 05:25

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 030

You deserved it 5 455

By ksmith - 09/08/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 974

You deserved it 5 245

By Anonymous - 24/09/2015 17:07 - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 611

You deserved it 6 100

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 23:14 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 285

You deserved it 17 580

By Anonymous - 24/03/2013 10:30 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent three hours painstakingly installing and configuring some parental control software on my 11-year-old son's laptop after I caught him watching porn. Barely an hour after returning the laptop, I caught him watching yet more porn on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 365

You deserved it 14 735

By Anonymous - 09/12/2013 17:12 - United States - California

Today, I got a call from a girl I dated long ago, who cheated on me and got pregnant by another guy, or so we thought. Turns out it isn't his, and she is taking me to court for child support. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 959

You deserved it 7 972

By Skyhopee - 24/12/2012 19:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because I'm too "high maintenance" during the holidays. Not to worry, though; he's willing give me another chance sometime after Valentine's day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 039

You deserved it 6 304

By courtbabbbby - 12/02/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 737

You deserved it 43 801

Keep it down

By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 773

You deserved it 2 512

Paranoid

By Jealousbitch - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Mulberry

Today, I had to admit that my jealousy issues were becoming a problem when I almost told my boyfriend not to apply at the local McDonald's, because of the high school girls that would see him there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 803

You deserved it 34 265

Lazy ass

By crizzy - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 118

You deserved it 4 335

By finallyready - 08/01/2013 19:56 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 174

You deserved it 4 681

How appropriate

By ohgod - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my one year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 941

You deserved it 8 056

By anonymous - 12/05/2011 02:20

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 895

You deserved it 13 548

Leave people alone

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Mozambique

Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 241

You deserved it 7 456

By oh my son - 23/12/2012 06:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I walked in on my son and his friend comparing their penis sizes. They're 6. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 802

You deserved it 5 800

By Anonymous - 15/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 474

You deserved it 28 814

By ow - 17/01/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 252

You deserved it 69 822

By anti88 - 01/09/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 078

You deserved it 4 538

Fix up, look sharp

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 851

You deserved it 9 513

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 19:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 185

You deserved it 13 374

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said, "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 648

You deserved it 8 864

By drurbanXVII - 25/05/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while playing The Sims 2, I realized I had a virtual person's whole life planned out, and have nothing planned out for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 263

You deserved it 49 361

By grem - 13/04/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 698

You deserved it 69 552

By thairsha - 09/02/2012 11:05 - Japan

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 391

You deserved it 4 234

By FuckMyEyes - 26/12/2012 01:49 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 801

You deserved it 8 246

By hatemyjob - 25/02/2010 22:29 - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 592

You deserved it 6 691

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The Top

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 176

You deserved it 2 340

Today, I was lifting weights at the gym and felt proud of myself for pushing through a tough set. Then, I looked down and noticed my shorts had ripped right along the seam. Based on their disgusted faces, everyone behind me got an unwelcome show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 117

Today, after thirteen years of engagement, my fiancé and I split. As is, with the day, we changed our Facebook relationships to make it official. I logged back on tonight to find his mother, the woman I've spent the last year looking after and having a good time, "liking" the break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 964

You deserved it 7 578

Today, it's my fifth month with my grandmother-in-law living with me and my partner. She's the most toxic, manipulative person I've ever met in my life. I have no idea when she's leaving. I literally run into rooms when I hear her coming downstairs so I don't have to talk to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 147

Today, after more than two years of saying that I'm depressed and I need professional help, that my husband always rejects, saying, "You can always talk to me, my dear," he finally said that I'm his biggest problem in life, he's not happy with me, and wants me to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 249

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 703

You deserved it 3 785