Your everyday life stories

my cat tho - 06/04/2016 00:14 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I walked home to my cat in a super deep sleep. I can't even tell if he's asleep or dead. I'm worried that I won't realize if my cat is dead. FML

dosfan95 - 06/04/2016 00:13 - United States - Leander

Today, my new laptop let me down for the first time. It bluescreened right in the middle of an online test. No, I can't retake it. FML

fatass - 06/04/2016 00:12 - United States - Hooper

Today, I put on my prom dress. This is my dream dress: the perfect dress for me. My mom brought it back from the dry cleaner, so I tried it on to make sure it didn't shrink or anything. Turns out I gained like 50 pounds, and my dress won't even close. Prom is in 3 days. FML

ForeverUnsettling - 06/04/2016 00:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was called to the vice-principle's office because someone complained that I was making her uncomfortable when I sat next to her in class. I've barely looked at the person, much less spoken or done anything to her. Apparently my mere presence is enough to scare people into reporting me. FM

TrippyEyes - 05/04/2016 23:57 - United States - Irvington

Today, I had an important presentation to give to my higher ups. I worked super hard on it and was really excited to impress my boss. So excited I got a bad case of the hiccups and sounded like a nervous idiot for 5 minutes. They dismissed me before I finished and now questioning my employment. FML.

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 23:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I found out that I have a genetic condition which makes me infertility. That wouldn't be as big of a deal if I didn't already have three kids with my wife. FML

horselover8 - 05/04/2016 23:31 - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, my boyfriend who I have been with for one year cheated on me with my sister. FML

Richsauce50 - 05/04/2016 23:28 - United States - Southfield

Today, I was sitting in an intersection and this guy right next to me got out of his vehicle and proceeds to lick my window and leave a kiss mark on it. Idk, I'm so confused by this encounter. FML

TheRingingBacon - 05/04/2016 23:04 - Australia - Queens Park

Today, My girlfriend said I love you so of course I said I love you back. She then proceeded to say I love you as a best friend. We've been dating for 2 years. FML

shorthair - 05/04/2016 22:40 - United States - Staten Island

Today I went to a new barber shop. I told the barber to use a certain number on the clippers. I guess they use a different system there, and now my hair is almost non existent. FML

anthonydpalm - 05/04/2016 22:38 - United States - Manasquan

Today, I have gotten into the habit of putting my phone in my back pocket. I never found a problem with doing this until my phone fell out of my pocket and into the toilet bowl as I was pulling my pants down. FML

nothappening - 05/04/2016 21:33 - United States - Wichita

Today, for the umpteenth time, I pleaded my very reasonable and logical case to my mother to allow me to adopt a rescue dog while I currently live at home. She said, "No, we're not pet people", then proceeded to tell me she would prefer grand babies. So no dog, but a screaming child. Bravo, Ma. FML.

ihatemyuterus - 05/04/2016 21:32 - India - Bangalore

Today, my boyfriend who lives halfway across the world flew down to to meet me after 6 months apart, for 4 days. Guess who just started her acute, cramping period. FML.

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 21:26 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the position I had applied for at my job was given away to another coworker who is actually still in college for this field... Boss told me I wasn't focused enough or have enough experience... I've been graduated for almost a year and a half. FML

lost1997 - 05/04/2016 21:24 - United States - Mchenry

Today, I bought a toy to try out with my boyfriend. He got more excited by the toy than he does with me. FML

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 21:18 - United States - Bethesda

Today is day 3 of my honeymoon, and day 2 of my husband having to do work or get fired, even though he is on approved leave. Guess who's been doing everything alone. FML.

more afraid - 05/04/2016 21:17 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out that my psycho ex-girlfriend also reads FML. She called me at work, totally pissed that I had "publicly humiliated" her by "posting our life together online." Later, my landlord called. He said my front window was broken. And that my living room is covered in green beans. FML

marriedtoolong - 05/04/2016 21:08 - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, my husband can't understand why I don't find him sexy. I mean, who wouldn't want to be groped by a stinking, drunk, limp man who just asked 'who are you?' as you got into bed? Fml

buttsoap - 05/04/2016 21:01 - United States - Hopewell Junction

Today, I visited my parents house after being away at college. When I took a shower, my mother asked me if I used the soap at the corner of the tub. When I asked why, she laughingly told me "its your fathers separate butt soap." I wish I knew before I rubbed it all over me. FML

stoneybalognacat - 05/04/2016 20:58 - United States - Albany

Today, I found out the person I just moved in with is a stronger believer in, "a black goo monster in the mantle of the earth is causing global warming", "chemtrails are controlling our thinking", and "Demons in your head cause bad moods." I just signed a 1 year rental agreement with a crazy person. FML.

running hard... - 05/04/2016 20:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my 3-year-old was running on the sidewalk - he tripped and scraped his face real bad. He even cut open an eyelid. He was screaming in pain, so I rushed him home, washed his cuts, and messaged my ex-wife to let her know. My ex now blames me for not making the little guy "run slower." FML

stoneybalognacat - 05/04/2016 20:49 - United States - Albany

Today, I showed to up to babysit my 1 year old nephew even though I'm exhausted, only to find he was incredibly sick. Just when I decided things couldn't get any worse, I was using the bathroom when he wobbled in, threw up everywhere, then fell in it. FML.

keeping track - 05/04/2016 20:47 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I got winded walking up a flight of stairs. I'm a varsity track runner. FML

singleforever - 05/04/2016 20:38 - United States - Cumming

Today I realized that the reason I can"t keep a boyfriend is because my sister keeps sleeping with them. This has been the fifth time its happened.

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 20:29 - United States

Today, I woke up in Paris with a bunch of itchy bites all over my arms and legs. When I returned home to the US, I found out that we had bed bugs. What a great souvenir. FML

DramaGirl - 05/04/2016 20:21 - United States

Today, I have to perform in a play. Small problem: the entire cast is sick and can't stop coughing, and the main character can barely speak... This'll be interesting. FML

ColdFeet - 05/04/2016 19:57 - United States - Cleveland

Today, my fiance and I got the results of our genetic testing back. The good news: we're both healthy. The bad news: turns out we're second cousins! FML

nousernameavail - 05/04/2016 19:49 - United States - Cape May

Today, after being married less than a year to the love of my life, he decided to tell me he's been unhappy for a while and doesn't know if he's ever actually been in love with me. FML

bklee - 05/04/2016 19:43 - United States

Today, as a teacher that has been encouraging one of my kids to lose weight, I complimented him by asking, "Looking good, did you lose some weight over break?" His response was, "You just got fat". FML.

Anonymous - 05/04/2016 19:17 - United States - Chicago

Today I walked into my bathroom to find my roommate had left a pocket pussy on a box of tissues. FML

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I was sitting at the mall food court, and wearing a "Blink If You Want Me" shirt. A guy walked by, saw my shirt, and made a point of holding a staring contest with me before moving on. FML

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Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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Today, at our wedding reception, my new husband kept telling his buddies how he’s gonna “fuck my brains off” on our honeymoon and give me the best wedding gift ever - a pearl necklace on my chest. They all roared with laughter. He doesn’t understand why I’m upset and refusing to consummate our marriage right now. FML

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Today, I got my very first tattoo. Excited, I sent a picture to my best friend. Her response? "You're joking, right?" FML

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Today, my boss noticed some scratches on my shoulder and joked about how I must "like it rough". That's not a problem, we have a friendly working relationship. The problem is that I haven't had sex in nearly three years. The scratches are from my bird's claws. FML

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Today, I realized that in some of my early relationships the girls were so possessive and pushed for merger and marriage that they scared me, so now I can only be reliably attracted to women who don't want me. The slightest sign of interest in more than a fling and I'm out. It's been like this for 30 years. FML

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