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    : 320



    holly_fly - 10/04/2016 16:42 - United States - Houston

    Today, my little brother stole $200 of "free money" out of my room. FML
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    sj - 10/04/2016 16:30 - United States - Clemmons

    Today, I finally got the house clean. I had tidied everything up over the course of a week, and today I swept, mopped, and vacuumed all over the house. An hour later, there were dirty old candy wrappers strewn everywhere. My cat just finds them out in the neighborhood and hoards them. FML.
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    Kotlopou - 10/04/2016 16:25 - Czech Republic - Prague

    Today, I realised what the weird high-pitched noise I kept hearing was. There is a squirrel-repelling noise generator on half the cars in this town. I am the only one who hears it and nobody believes me. FML
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    PhoenixChick - 10/04/2016 16:24 - United States - Champaign

    Today, I realized that the hard part wasn't getting a job after months of looking. It isn't even going back to work after being a housewife for years. It's my anxiety disorder ramping up to 2-4 panic attacks a day. I can't eat, sleep, or stop puking when I'm NOT at work. FML.
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    ScratchCatPower - 10/04/2016 15:44 - United States - Trumbull

    Today, I separated my two parakeets, as the older one lost many feathers due to fighting with the younger one. The younger one started freaking out in her new cage, got diarrhea, and died after a few hours. FML
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    Me - 10/04/2016 15:38 - Norway - Lillehammer

    Today, my roommate and I are both sick. She's melting hot, and need the window to be open, I'm freezing cold and need it closed with the heater on. No compromise will benefit both of us. FML
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    Pewds - 10/04/2016 15:35 - United States - Denver

    Today, I went to the Human Society and adopted a cat. That night the little guy climbed into my bed and fell asleep. Thinking it was cute I went to pet him only to find he was a she and she was pregnant. I thought the cat was just really fat. FML
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    Skymuchies - 10/04/2016 15:26 - United States - Berkshire

    Today, I went to Walmart and I needed to use the restroom. I was bout to go into the ladies restroom when a guy stopped me and told me i couldnt go in there. He thought I was a guy. FML
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    minilinds - 10/04/2016 15:18 - United States - Cedar Springs

    Today, my 14-year-old sister crapped her pants. This isn't the first time it's happened recently. She somehow managed to get it all over the bathroom floor, inside and outside of the toilet, and all over the shower. My mom isn't home and won't be for hours, leaving me to deal with it. FML
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    mh_2323 - 10/04/2016 14:55 - United States - Troutville

    Today, I was running with my German Shepard. Some kid ran directly in front of him, attempting to pet him. I didn't notice the kid until the last second, and my dog doesn't stop unless I do. He plowed straight through the kid, and now the kid's mom is threatening to sue. FML
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    LordStarkVI - 10/04/2016 14:36 - Turkey

    Today, I was roaming around in my father's office. When I opened the bathroom door , I saw one of his co-worker masturbating. To a picture of me. I am a 15 year old guy. FML.
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    avenged182fold - 10/04/2016 14:34 - United States - Kansas City

    Today, I was driving to a restaurant to get breakfast on my day off, when my boss called. Guess who didn't get breakfast or a day off. FML
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    musoboy - 10/04/2016 14:28 - Australia - Drummoyne

    Today, coming home after dark, I got a nice surprise in my driveway. Not only did I faceplant the spider web that my hand in front had somehow missed, but I collected the resident spider squarely in my eye then spent the next 20 minutes fishing it out of eyelid. Next time I'm using the torch. FML
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    Greg - 10/04/2016 14:22 - United States - San Francisco

    Today, My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, that would be wonderful news if i hadn't been deployed for the past year FML
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    GingerSnap98 - 10/04/2016 14:08 - United States - Saint Paul

    Today, my boyfriend and I got in our first fight. I eventually fell asleep only to dream that we were still fighting. I can't even escape in my dreams. FML
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    The Idiot - 10/04/2016 13:03 - Denmark - Kors?r

    Today, I walked into a bar after work wearing a bag covered in LGBT symbols (I am not gay though). The cutest guy walks towards me smiling, sees the bag and walk away again. FML
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    FML - 10/04/2016 12:50 - United States - Fort Washington

    Today, I found out that that my parents named me Donald because they wanted to call me Don. This wouldn't be so bad if our last name was Key. My name is Don Key... Donkey. FML
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    ozil - 10/04/2016 12:44 - United States - Orlando

    Today, there is this one kid I have to pick up for school that lives about 45 minutes away. By the time we got to his neighborhood, he told us that don't pick him up again. A week later comes and I get a complaint from the mom for not picking him up. I got fired. FML
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    wheelie_bad_name - 10/04/2016 12:42 - France - Toulouse

    Today I am about to introduce the woman I love to the French side of my family. She is a lovely single mum with a three year old daughter , named her after her favorite star dancer in a reality show. I haven't had the heart yet to tell her that the quite unusual name is French slang for...bike. FML
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    Anonymous - 10/04/2016 12:31 - United Kingdom - Greenford

    Today, a girl in my class asked to use the scissors in my pencil case - the same scissors I had used the night before to trim my pubes, which my mum put into my pencil case while cleaning. She found a stray pube, said 'look, an eyelash!' and made a wish. FML.
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    Mom - 10/04/2016 11:50 - United States - Newtown

    Today, I had to work a 13 hour shift at work. I asked my boyfriend to do two very easy chores while I was gone. When I came home neither of the chores were done and he was gaming on his computer. FML
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    That idiot - 10/04/2016 11:47 - United Kingdom - Carmarthen

    Today, I found out my now ex best friend is the insane girl whose been stalking my brother for the better part of three years after I found her in the bushes outside my house, staring into my brother's room while masturbating. I had no idea and tried to set them up! FML
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    Anonymous - 10/04/2016 11:22 - Austria

    Today, I worked as Hostess and was told there'll be no "important" guest expected. A man shouted at me for not knowing his name and therefore not letting him in. Found out that he is the president of the organisation that hosted the event. FML
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    sophiacantora - 10/04/2016 10:53 - Belgium - Antwerpen

    Today, i was watching tv when my 5-month old kitten came up to me and started purring while rubbing himself on me. after a good 10 minutes i felt something weird poking my arm. it was then i realized he was dry humping me. FML.
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    jfdksla - 10/04/2016 10:52 - United Kingdom - Norwich

    Today, I am filing a police report. After 8 months of waiting, I found out the radio programme I took part in never actually existed. Turns out the guy 'producing' it wanted a reason to spend time with me and record my voice. FML
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    anonymous - 10/04/2016 10:51 - Australia - Fairfield

    Today, I went over to my in-laws house for dinner with my wife. When we arrived, my in-laws and their friends were butt-naked. My wife didn't tell me she had organised an orgy for senior citizens and us. I'm hiding in the bathroom right now typing this. Does anyone know a divorce lawyer? -FML
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    Garnetshaddow - 10/04/2016 09:50 - United States - Boulder

    Today, I have insomnia. This makes me angry... making it even more difficult to sleep. I'm too tired to do anything useful and too annoyed to get any rest. FML
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    indie hippy - 10/04/2016 08:52 - Australia - Melbourne

    Today was my second last day in mental rehabilitation centre for depression and anxiety , now the nurses and doctors don't want to discharge me because within half an hour my abusive boyfriend pushed me back to square one. FML
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    Anonymous - 10/04/2016 08:43 - United States - Maxton

    Today, a friend and I were discussing Game Of Thrones. I said that all the incest on the show was gross and unrealistic. My friend then looked me dead in the eye and said, "I don't see how it's unrealistic, my sister used to give me handjobs all the time". FML
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    Diseased - 10/04/2016 08:39 - New Zealand - Auckland

    Today my ex messaged me 3 months after dumping me. Thinking she missed me wanted to tell me she made a terrible mistake, she told me she has genital warts, and blamed me for giving them to her. FML
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    Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML
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    Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML
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    Today, I threw out my back while trying to put together my new ergonomic chair, which was supposed to help my bad back. FML
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    Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML
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    Today, my best friend and my ex-boyfriend went on a business trip, got drunk, and ended up sleeping together. Now they want to start dating. FML
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    Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML
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