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    : 320



    sadlysingle - 21/02/2014 08:04 - United States - Rockwall

    Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML
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    Anonymous - 09/06/2014 21:20 - Canada - Calgary

    Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML
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    Cultured

    Anonymous - - United States - Rochester

    Today, I was telling my friends about a date I had recently that went badly, because the guy turned out to be a moron. I said the last straw was when I used the word "decipher" and was met with a blank stare. I was then met with more blank stares. FML
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    why me? - 06/09/2014 04:25 - United States - Tulsa

    Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML
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    pleasestop - 01/05/2014 02:13 - New Zealand - Wellington

    Today, the family in the apartment next to me decided to give their 4-year-old kid a recorder. It's been three hours. Kill me. FML
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    Ilovelife07 - 19/09/2009 04:47 - United States

    Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML
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    Shook

    footfetish - 02/02/2013 11:21 - Australia - Brisbane

    Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML
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    sarajj - 29/03/2013 21:36 - United States - Littleton

    Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML
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    Anonymous - 27/07/2014 18:44 - Germany - Oberursel

    Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML
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    a person - 05/03/2009 04:29 - United States

    Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML
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    OldHabitsDieHard - 18/09/2013 14:53 - United States - Erie

    Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML
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    asthma_attacker - 14/11/2009 18:38 - United States

    Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML
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    Self report

    Anonymous - - United States

    Today, I was with my 3 year-old son in the doctor's office. During the exam, he informed the doctor that he doesn't sleep in mommy's bed anymore because mommy sleeps in her underwear and farts all night long. FML
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    Creeped out

    dadum - 27/01/2011 07:17 - Australia

    Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML
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    anonymous - 24/06/2010 05:09 - United States

    Today, I went running. My girlfriend was so surprised at the fact that I'm exercising that she accused me of making it up so I could cheat on her. I'm just trying to get in shape. FML
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    Dilly_20 - 22/02/2011 18:00 - United Kingdom

    Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why I'd be angry if he had a foursome with 3 other people. FML
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    EmmaleeSupertramp - 14/02/2014 03:16 - United States

    Today, it was the first dress rehearsal at a community theater. I'm playing a grandma to a bunch of little kids, and the guy who is playing the grandpa wears a fat suit. I put on my costume and one of the kids comes up to me and says, "Are you wearing a fat suit too?" and pokes my stomach. FML
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    Pissed

    Anonymous - - United States - Windsor Heights

    Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of piss all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML
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    annoyed - 10/02/2009 03:59 - United States

    Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML
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    ugh - 14/06/2011 17:56 - United States

    Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML
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    Anonymous - 09/11/2011 01:20 - United States

    Today, my boyfriend drove me home. I mentioned how I had recently started my period and he freaked out, saying I would "leak" through my tampon onto his seat. He made me sit on towels all the way home. FML
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    meandme - 04/03/2014 22:55 - Canada - Fort Vermilion

    Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML
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    WhitneyHouston - 06/07/2009 19:33 - United States

    Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML
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    The *****

    FML - 21/06/2009 21:41 - United States

    Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML
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    NickDrakeFan - 29/10/2013 01:57 - United States

    Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML
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    Three's a crowd

    Anonymous - 13/08/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

    Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML
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    kris - 25/04/2014 15:40 - United States - Upland

    Today, not even a week after I was laid off from my job, I got a call from my old boss. He offered me a "new" job at the company, which turned out to be just like my old one, but with drastically reduced pay. I'm so broke and desperate that I accepted. FML
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    grossed out - 25/03/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

    Today, my friend asked to borrow my new laptop to email his college professor. When he returned it, it had a virus on it, and I had to fish out two pubic hairs that were sticking out between the keys. FML
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    Crochocinco85 - 13/03/2014 11:59 - United States - Brooklyn

    Today, I was walking through the main lobby at school and I saw someone waving at me, so I waved back. Turns out she was just cleaning a glass door. I heard laughter behind me. FML
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    Oh no…

    x.x - - United States - Tampa

    Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML
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    Today, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by my crazy ex-girlfriend, who apparently duplicated my keys before our break up three months ago. She was on top of me, stroking my beard, whispering, “He looks like Jesus.” FML
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    Today, my grandmother is coming over to my family's house to stay for about a week or so. Apparently, the guest room window isn't big enough for her dream catcher, so she wants her cat to sleep in the guest room and she wants to sleep in my room. My parents support this. FML
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    Today, ever since he beat him in wrestling, my husband has been trying to prove he’s manlier than our son, proving only that he’s the most childish in the house. I had to put a stop to it after he tried to stand up to the PTSD-suffering veteran at the end of our street, and got put in hospital. FML
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    Today, after rolling my car on the highway, I witnessed several people stop and get out of their cars to take pictures. No one asked if I was okay, and I was the one who had to call 911 for myself. FML
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    Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML
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    Today, I finally told my boyfriend that I see a therapist every week because, amongst other things, I'm terrified of being locked in a room. He didn't believe me, so he locked me in the bathroom "for a laugh." I had a panic attack and passed out. FML
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