Weird

Stable genius

By Anonymous - 29/06/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, my mom casually told me, "Remember that time we went to build a swing set when you were four? Actually, I was going to hang myself and take you with me so that you didn't suffer in this life. If it wasn't for your Grandma, we wouldn't be here now. And when I took you to the lake… Oh, silly me!" Cool, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 83

Superfreak

By Anonymous - 07/03/2023 03:00

Today, I caught my brother masturbating into my underwear. Again. Our parents punished him, again, but I can guarantee he’ll carry on doing it anyway. Why can’t I afford my own house yet? I need to move out away from this creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 235

The King

By Anonymous - 20/08/2022 02:00

Today, I recently had open heart surgery and I'm prohibited from pushing, pulling, or lifting anything. My wife goes ahead of me to open doors, carry things from the store, and open my car door. Yes, I do get many mean, judgmental glares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 118

Bitterness

By Anonymous - 07/01/2024 22:00 - Sweden - Lidingoe

Today, I ran into a guy I haven't seen since high school. He started ranting about what an asshole I was for not inviting him to my birthday party when I was 12. We're 50 now, the party was cancelled because my granddad died, and we were not friends anyway, I just hung out with him as I felt sorry for him sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 604

You deserved it 119

Caught in the act

By Anonymous - 14/01/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was Facebook-stalking a really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 584

You deserved it 44 909

Kooky

By Anonymous - 16/05/2025 03:00 - United States

Today, I gave birth two weeks early. Everyone is telling me I should be so happy she's healthy, but all I can think is how much I did not want a Taurus baby. I wanted a Gemini baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 1 613

Caveman fetish

By Anonymous - 18/08/2022 21:58

Today, my boyfriend lost his temper at me for the first time ever after 2 years of dating, and actually raised his voice. It turned me on, and I don’t just mean on, I mean OOONNNNNN. I was so wet it ran down my thighs and made an obvious damp spot in my jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 555

You deserved it 1 155

Psychotic

By lostkid - 09/05/2021 08:01

Today, my mom strictly banned me from doing any of my chores, because I missed a spot while wiping the counters. She then screamed at me for not doing my chores. When I went to go do them, she screamed at me for doing my chores when I’m not allowed. I can’t win here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 123

You what now?

By ashley anne - 16/10/2022 04:00

Today, I was called a wimp for getting a sunburn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 154

Are you serious?

By ummno - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 054

You deserved it 13 749

Long flight, enduring smell

By Anonymous - 25/12/2022 12:00

Today, the line for the bathroom on my flight was so long that the passenger next to me couldn't hold it any longer, so he just let it all loose in his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 053

You deserved it 96

You OK, mate?

By Anonymous - 02/07/2026 09:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I went to my girlfriend's mom's horse barn. Then I stepped in horse poop. Also I am full of dust. Dusty boi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 134

TMI, Mom

By Anonymous - 15/08/2022 18:00

Today, my mom filled out a Facebook post called, “If your kid was named after your pregnancy cravings, what would their name be?” Apparently my sister would be “Passion fruit and coal dust” and I’d be “Mint sauce and butt sex.” What the hell kind of cravings are those? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 026

You deserved it 205

Simple plan

By Anonymous - 11/08/2026 03:00 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I got a message from an old friend’s wife. She said they were having a reunion at their place and invited me to come. She spent the whole night trying to get me to hook up with him! She wanted out of the marriage and thought that if she could get him to cheat, she’d get a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 67

Freaky family

By Anonymous - 07/02/2025 20:00 - United States

Today, I found out the guy who asked me to be his girlfriend has been fucking his first cousin in the booty on the regular for years, and was still fucking her while seeing me. I feel disgusting. He’s 32 and she’s 28 and thinks they’re going to get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 116

By anonymous - 25/10/2010 21:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 972

You deserved it 8 867

Odd rewarding system

By Anonymous - 03/01/2025 00:00 - Australia - Moora

Today, one of my uni professors held a contest for the first half of my first semester. 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 5th got a brand new textbook requisite to the course. Me, who came in 4th? A 2” used plastic toy owl that she pulled out of her purse. I moved 300km to attend here, attend lectures faithfully and score A+. WTH? FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 111

Thunderbolt of lightning, very very frightening

By worst boss ever - 06/02/2022 10:01

Today, one of my employees called in because he “got struck by lightning.” I told him that’s the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard, and he’d better get his ass to work. Turns out he really did get struck by lightning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 233

You deserved it 1 693

Beautiful mind

By Anonymous - 21/03/2025 00:00 - United States

Today, I failed a Rorschach test. How do you fail a Rorschach test? WTF. FML

I agree, your life sucks 297

You deserved it 118

Nice

By hborkowski - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 670

You deserved it 3 382

High expectations

By Anonymous - 14/09/2023 08:00

Today, I was arguing with my husband how he has never told our son that he’s proud of him. Without missing a beat, he told me that when our son gets around to doing something he can be proud of, then he’ll tell him he’s proud of him. Our son is a university graduate and trainee doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 102

Intruders!

By wtf babe? - 29/06/2020 14:02

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 783

You deserved it 174

Weird anniversary mood but OK

By Anonymous - 14/05/2026 12:00 - United States - Northport

Today, it was me and my wife's anniversary. I spent it consoling her as she cried over a man she loved 20 years ago. They never even dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 94

Stiched up

By familyofpsychos - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 965

You deserved it 2 462

Weird family

By Pinsky - 22/08/2021 00:01

Today, I learned I’m shooting blanks and can’t have children. My wife’s response was that her brother can be our sperm donor. She has no issue with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 112

Pining

By akvan - 06/09/2022 09:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm obsessing over finding out anything about my ex. A month ago, I finally deleted his number from my phone, but if I'd known it would just make me start obsessing over him again, then I wouldn't have deleted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 247

You deserved it 1 219

Alf Garnett

By Anonymous - 30/03/2022 02:00

Today, and up until now, I never knew my dad had a racist streak until he found out his usual fish and chip shop had been turned into an Indian takeaway. The language he was using, I had to google what half of the names even meant, since I wasn't born in the '70s. The neighbours definitely heard him, because now they won't talk to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 139

Outta my way

By Anonymous - 09/02/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 225

You deserved it 7 559

The Kinks

By Anonymous - 23/05/2022 22:00

Today, my dad found out that there are others like him in this world. They're called furries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 211

Social science

By Josh - 16/07/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, a friend came over to meet my new dog. The dog got excited and accidentally peed on him. I went to the kitchen to get something to clean it up. When I came back, my new dog was covered in my friend's pee. My friend claimed that peeing on my dog "showed dominance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 179

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The Top

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 905

You deserved it 5 252

Today, my estranged dad drunk-dialed me at 4 a.m. to apologize, and to make amends. After crying and forgiving, we hung up. Minutes later, he called back to retract everything he said after remembering how I was rude to him at a party 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 696

You deserved it 3 298

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 030

You deserved it 3 742

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 223

You deserved it 7 381

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad, so I speeded up to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 567

You deserved it 12 896

Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 976

You deserved it 264