Drunk

By Grant Williams - 07/05/2019 17:37

Today, while mildly tipsy, I threw myself onto my bed at a weird angle and somehow managed to somersault off my bed and land in my clothes hamper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 827

Gross, dudes!

By notsick - 17/03/2019 22:00

Today, my roommate invited her brother over to drink. Neither can handle their drink and her brother is a sympathy spewer. He’s not my guest but I had to clean up vomit until 4 in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 221

Check this out

By Anonymous - 30/09/2018 12:00

Today, I had to run to put the trash out for the garbage truck, only I was so hungover, I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 2 744

Party hard

By Jason the flasher - 15/09/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 410

You deserved it 3 299

Understandable

By Anonymous - 28/05/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 3 270

Is negging still a thing?

By coffeewench - 22/08/2017 04:29

Today, while I was reading in a park, a drunk bum started talking to me. After a few minutes of awkward conversation, he said, "You're really pretty, and you have nice eyes, but you have chubby cheeks. What's up with that? Did you eat a lot of peanuts when you were a kid or something?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 369

You deserved it 416

Booze confused

By piliseep - 07/06/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 103

You deserved it 1 687

Never again

By Anonymous - 05/05/2017 02:00

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 732

You deserved it 538

Congratulations

By Anonymous - 27/09/2016 12:28 - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 433

You deserved it 2 812

They tried to make me go to rehab…

By anon - 30/06/2016 17:33 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my father got out of rehab for his alcoholism. This would be great if he hadn't started drinking the moment he got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 948

You deserved it 714

Drunk tank

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 09:17 - New Zealand

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 195

You deserved it 1 858

Painful

By stupid drunk bitch - 24/02/2016 18:37 - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 551

You deserved it 5 523

Life and soul of the party

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 10:08 - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 653

You deserved it 2 296

Fight club

By just outdone - 31/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because, "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 830

You deserved it 1 390

Don't drink and DIY

By bob the builders pissed off daughter - 29/12/2015 23:52 - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 074

You deserved it 1 412

Bitch Better Have My Money

By kitkat1740 - 17/11/2015 00:21 - United States - Concord

Today, I called my boss to ask if my paycheck had been deposited yet. He said no, that my grandmother came in to work and picked it up. Confused, I called her. She is holding it ransom until I start calling home every day. I do, but she gets so drunk, she doesn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 326

You deserved it 1 926

Nice neighborhood

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34 - United States - Lexington

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 014

You deserved it 1 796

Blackout drunk

By MagnusDeus - 07/06/2015 15:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 874

You deserved it 1 781

By Anonymous - 15/04/2015 14:32 - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 315

You deserved it 3 042

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 05:34

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 363

You deserved it 3 986

By Anonymous - 10/01/2015 03:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 587

You deserved it 2 466

Difficult

By stressed - 12/10/2014 06:40 - United States - Statham

Today, as a restaurant manager, I had a large party of difficult guests. They sat in their private room they'd reserved for three-and-a-half hours, then caused a huge scene when it was time to pay. One guy even ran at me like he was going to hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 991

You deserved it 2 689

Anger management

By FML - 08/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 699

You deserved it 3 401

By :// - 05/11/2013 21:01 - United States - Romulus

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 782

You deserved it 3 762

On the sauce

By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/09/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 289

You deserved it 17 937

By areyoukiddingme - 07/09/2013 04:50 - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 454

You deserved it 3 275

Wasted

By Anonymous - 05/08/2013 15:33 - United States

Today, my parents held a big family dinner at our house. Being the only underage person there, I had to sit there while everyone got progressively drunker and started commenting on how eerily similar I look to Shamu the whale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 972

You deserved it 4 773

Boozed up

By speechless - 13/07/2013 14:32 - United States - Mitchell

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 355

You deserved it 4 655

By Wallz99 - 19/04/2013 06:00 - Pakistan - Plot

Today, my long-distance girlfriend drunk dialed me and told me she was horny. Surprised, I exclaimed, "You're horny?" without realizing my boss was right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 399

You deserved it 23 394

You played yourself

By anon - 25/03/2013 18:31 - United States

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 123

You deserved it 68 717

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Weddings Miscellaneous Awkward Embarrassing Music Drunk My ex Cops Gross Poopoo peepee Love Cars Transportation Relatable Bodyshaming Dating Crush Work Farts Money LGBTQIA+ Weird Cooking AITA Sex Health Family Vacation Intimacy Kids

The Top

Today, after meeting my new girlfriend, my mom dyed and cut her hair the exact same way my girlfriend has hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 382

You deserved it 1 206

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 872

You deserved it 6 404

Today, I went to the grocery store. My checker was very hot. When it came time for me to pay, I swiped my debit card and the machine kept rejecting it. Sure that I had money in my account, I did it again, before the cute checker informed me that I was swiping my driver's license, not my debit card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 354

You deserved it 52 320

Today, 48 hours after my boyfriend introduced me to his friend group so I could make new friends and I'd joined their group chat, two long-term couples have broken up and left without any explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 410

You deserved it 162

Today, I realized I’ve become an old woman. I have dentures, wear bifocal glasses, have rheumatoid arthritis, carry a stash of candy in my purse, and got excited when I bought a new potato peeler. I’m only 29, but I’m an old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 164

Today, I was supervising a training exercise at work, where everyone had to wear microphones. One guy was congested and I got to hear six hours of sniffling, snorting, coughing, throat clearing, and mucus blowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 71