All the FMLs

Legalize it!

By fml9124 - 07/11/2020 17:02

Today, my state decriminalized small amounts of every hard drug you can name. Heroin, LSD, cocaine, you name it. I'm a recovering addict. I moved to Oregon to get away from the big city and drugs and take in nature. No I didn't. I knew this would happen. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 1 181

Bum note

By Music Lover - 07/11/2020 05:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, after entering a conservatory of music, I've worked really hard on my academic subjects to past through the exam, so my major is pretty weak. After practising 6 hours a day for three weeks, my teacher asked me to change my major and said I'm the worst student she's ever seen. And there‘s nowhere I can go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 185

Don't try this at home

By Lunar-Spice - 07/11/2020 08:01

Today, I found out what it feels like to put in a contact while drunk. My eye still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 278

You deserved it 841

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 22:56 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 488

The one with the asshole friend

By Anonymous - 07/11/2020 06:31 - India

Today, after going through a surgery related to my ovaries, having a life-threatening complication during the surgery due to anesthesia, and my doctor warning me about future infertility, a friend told me that no one would marry me now, since I have stretch marks and stitches marks on my abdomen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 170

You deserved it 89

Who asked you?

By 2nd best - 06/11/2020 11:01 - United States

Today, my fiancée's ex sent me screenshots of their conversation. In it, he told her how badly he’d wanted to marry her, what a great life he'd have given her, and what a huge mistake she'd made by letting him get away. My ring, our house even our pets should’ve been hers. Gee, thanks for settling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 293

You deserved it 173

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 14:02

Today, my wife got back from a "homesick" trip to NY State. She brought her boyfriend back with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 102

Stay indoors, make new friends!

By janmesh - 06/11/2020 11:01 - Germany - Köln

Today, i found myself talking to the rat living under my wardrobe as if he was my friend. It's only day 2 of the partial lockdown in Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 185

The votes are in

By JustAnotherTina - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 488

You deserved it 5 788

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

By Alyce - 06/11/2020 02:08 - United States - Lewistown

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 106

Does this smell bad?

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 02:01

Today, I spent a full two minutes doing nothing but sniffing my computer. Don't worry, it was in the living room and my roommate definitely saw me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 343

You deserved it 739

Crashtony Cartano here

By Anonymous - 05/11/2020 23:03

Today, my husband sped my car up to 80 in a 30, and almost crashed, which would have killed us both. What did I do to set him off? I played a song he didn't like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 070

You deserved it 164

They're not real

By Boyufd - 05/11/2020 17:01

Today, my girlfriend, KNOWING I have severe arachnophobia, changed the wallpapers on my phone and tablet to pictures of tarantulas, all because she's mad at me. And she won't change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 381

Good old gender stereotypes

By Brian - 05/11/2020 13:59 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I couldn't open a jar of mayo and my cousin had to open it for me. She's a 16 year-old girl and I'm a 24 year-old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536

You deserved it 821

Great first impression

By Anonymous - 05/11/2020 10:57

Today, I finally spoke to a counsellor about my depression. As soon as the session started, I became so anxious that I could barely speak. Once the Zoom call was finished, I got the distinct impression that she thought I was mentally disabled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 151

Don't hate the playa…

By Dannikins - 05/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 108

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 20:03 - United States - Herndon

Today, I learned that my best friend has been cheating on his girlfriend for 2 months. This is the same person who, 2 months ago, wanted to break our friendship off because he thought we "got too close" and felt like he was cheating on his girlfriend by spending too much time with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 098

You deserved it 279

Family values

By Jaime and Cersei sittin in a tree - 04/11/2020 13:02 - United States - Madison

Today, I complimented my girlfriend on her new, very detailed bikini wax. She proudly said, "Thanks! Troy’s been doing them for me since the all the salons have been locked down." Troy is her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 184

Boozehound

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 17:02

Today, after being accepted into the college of my dreams, I found out that my mom has spent all my college savings on alcohol over the years, and she says that it's my fault for not "helping her get help." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 110

OK, well, goodbye

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 14:02

Today I ordered an anchovy pizza without the mushroom. Instead, I got a mushroom pizza without the anchovy. Then, when I went to take it back, the store had closed. Permanently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 140

You deserved it 217

Good luck out there…

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 11:02

Today, my father said I only voted for Biden "because I watch the news." He's a hardcore Trumpster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 548

Get the message, my dude

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 22:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I’m thinking of proposing to you in December." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 095

You deserved it 223

Modern Family

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 23:01 - Australia

Today, my stupid drunk dad was yelling for food and since my mum needed to finish her taxes before midnight, I told him to STFU and passed him prawn fried rice, which he told me to shove up my ass. I threw it in the bin, since he's the only meat eater in the family. When she'd finished, she yelled at me instead of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 047

You deserved it 277

Bullshit reason #874

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 19:57 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because, she says, I have diabetes and she can’t handle the complications that may occur in the future. This after I arranged for her to take trip to Italy to ride horses, which has been on her bucket list for like 10 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 165

People are people

By Astounding competence - 03/11/2020 23:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my country is going back into a full national lockdown after the government swore they wouldn't do another one. We desperately need to stop the spread, but with so many U-turns and broken rules from the government, no one is going to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 222

Moving day, grandma

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 14:05 - United States

Today, after my daughter fell in love with a city I didn't want to move to and I caved to make her happy, after a year of which she got engaged at the age of 18 and moved with her fiancé back to his hometown not far from where we moved from, she called to tell me she's pregnant and my first grandchild will be hundreds of miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 507

Couch potato

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 17:06

Today, I'm so out of shape that my arm ached after lifting chips out of a Lays bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 1 213

Bushy

By Mustache - 03/11/2020 14:02 - Austria

Today, I was on my way to meet my partner's parents for the first time. Although I was in a rush, I managed to hop into the shower and shave. I now have a cut on my upper lip. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 270

Weird questions

By Lola Smith - 03/11/2020 11:02

Today, a customer asked me if we serve spaghetti. She then asked for a manager because I was giving her a weird look, laughing softly when telling her yes, and apparently making her feel stupid. My manager wrote me up. I work at the Old Spaghetti Factory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 257

You deserved it 222

New quest

By lilybelle11 - 03/11/2020 08:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, it became apparent that my boyfriend only showers when he levels up on World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 989

You deserved it 157

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I woke up to a loud bang. Thinking someone had broken in, I grabbed my hunting knife and ran downstairs, only to find my TV on the floor, completely destroyed, and my cat casually sitting next to it without a care in the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 961

You deserved it 1 282

Today, my dog acted out a scene from Disney with me, by causing me and a member of the opposite sex to fall into a river after tangling our legs with the lead. No, it didn't lead to marriage, just me being yelled at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 015

You deserved it 541

Today, I waited for over an hour in a park for a date who didn't show up. I finally left because someone came up to me and accused me of creeping on their kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 020

You deserved it 3 036

Today, my dad has such thick, horn like toenails that when I stepped on one of the cuttings, it actually stabbed into the thinner skin on the underside of my toe and bled like crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 73

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 350

You deserved it 484

Today, I woke up to a pain on my eyelid. I stumbled into the bathroom to find a huge tick attached to the edge of my eyelid. My dad used tweezers to pull it off, only the head stuck. I had to go to the doctor and sit there for 15 minutes so she could pull the rest out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 600

You deserved it 3 309