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I'm OP. My husband couldn't hold his liquor over a few beers if his **** and balls depended on it. It's been a topic of arguments for a while already and this is the final straw. But it's kind of a funny situation if you think about it, that's why I posted it. To any stupid people that are going to ask how can he afford to go out drinking, read my other comment. And I KNOW someone's going to ask how could I afford a computer or a phone to post this, and my answer is: I don't buy a new computer or phone every day, shit head. I could sell my computer, but you try going without easy internet access in this day and age. We'll survive.

By Anonymous - 23/01/2014 03:42 - Australia - Wheelers Hill

Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 440

You deserved it 21 314

By bumblebee - 13/03/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 755

You deserved it 9 671

By pubemilkshake - 08/12/2014 02:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 882

You deserved it 4 922

By amber - 19/04/2012 18:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my boyfriend gave me acne cream for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 754

You deserved it 4 785

By dreamdude - 20/09/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me because I didn't fight some guy that started hitting her right in front of me... In a dream. She was totally serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 389

You deserved it 4 069

By Anonymous - 22/01/2014 21:41 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, after I took my first set of exams, my professor posted on Twitter, scoffing at how stupid one student's answer was. The answer he quoted was one that I wrote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 039

You deserved it 10 264

By givemechange - 06/04/2011 09:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I flew to another country to see a concert. He said he'd carry all the cash and tickets in his wallet, so I left my bag at the hotel. He got so drunk, five minutes into the show he took off leaving me stranded in a strange city with no means of getting back to the hotel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 681

You deserved it 11 889

givemechange tells us more.

givemechange 0

Thursday 7 April 2011 14:28

Im the OP. Here's a bit more information on what happened, as the fml format only allows 300 characters. We were going to a Slayer and Megadeath show, so I dont know if anyone who said "bring your purse, der," has ever been to a heavy metal show, but its not exactly the safest place to be carrying around a bag as it can easily be lost/stolen/ripped off of you in the craziness of the mosh pit. Also, it was Barcelona, which is notorious for pick pockets/thieves. The reason I gave my boyfriend all my money/ticket is because we live togather, have been dating for a long time, obviously I trust him, and know that he can take care of himself as he is trained in JuJitsu and MMA. Not that kind of guy you would pick pocket. And for whomever said " Why didnt you just follow him, der," well that would be because his stupid ass left me while I was in the bathroom and he was suppose to be waiting outside holding my drink. I did have my key to the hotel room, which was my only life line, and eventually found a cab driver nice and sympathetic enough to take me back to the hotel free of charge, because at this point I was cleary distraut. Yes, my boyfriend was selfish, moronic, careless and a being a drunk bafoon, but the story has a happy ending, I'm alive and well. ( And this was the first time anything like this has ever happened.)

By serendipity1027 - 30/10/2010 13:40 - France

Today, while my boyfriend and I were fighting in the car, I paused to take a bite of my burrito. Just at that moment, he slammed on the brakes, causing me to deepthroat my burrito. I threw up all over myself. He won the argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 841

You deserved it 8 899

By smh - 13/05/2012 22:30 - United States - Sacramento

Today, if you live in California, you might have seen a crazy drunk guy naked in front of a McDonald's, waving at everyone. Yeah, that was probably me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 262

You deserved it 36 401

Peek a boo

By Anonymous - 08/05/2014 02:31 - United States - Tampa

Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 101

You deserved it 16 188

By screaming monkey - 04/04/2012 10:13 - United Kingdom - Whitton

Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 308

You deserved it 2 124

By pistonchamp159 - 28/08/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 733

You deserved it 9 934

She's crafty

By rainastartree - 23/12/2013 21:10 - United States - Crum Lynne

Today, my husband and I were fighting over money. As we were arguing, our 13 year-old daughter stole $250 dollars from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 063

You deserved it 14 900

By LadyDean - 29/11/2011 08:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home, chugged a beer, and passed out in our bed without saying hello or goodnight to me. I've been on vacation for a week and was hoping to cuddle. But no, if I try to touch him, he hits me and growls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 175

You deserved it 6 943

By OperaLover - 12/09/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft, and practice frequently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 151

You deserved it 3 467

Drunken antics

By Screwed - 22/04/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly, "You need to work on that." We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said, "You need to work on not farting in your sleep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 552

You deserved it 87 627

By h4rdy - 09/03/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 205

You deserved it 37 158

By spiritbeast33 - 11/09/2013 06:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came out of the closet. Now whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with my dad he says, "Lesgo, lesbo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 458

You deserved it 13 577

By Birdwatcher - 18/09/2012 16:19 - United States - Woodstock

Today, I found a tiny, featherless baby bird. I knew it was impossible, but I tried to keep it alive through the day. Before I could get it to the wildlife center, it died, and when I got all choked up over it, my mom started laughing at me and saying how "weak" I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 214

You deserved it 4 748

Dick

By missPiggy - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 806

You deserved it 2 351

Support system

By daddylove - 12/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says, "Oh, honey. I don't care… Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 441

You deserved it 6 927

By anon - 08/03/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a "talk." So now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 903

You deserved it 76 977

By textfail - 28/02/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 079

You deserved it 104 176

By JaneChemi - 15/01/2014 21:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My boyfriend thinks I'm faking the whole thing in revenge for the fight we had yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 743

You deserved it 8 197

JaneChemi_fml tells us more.

JaneChemi_fml 21

Thursday 16 January 2014 0:25

hi guys. when I found out I ran out of the bathroom holding a pregnancy test screaming "holy ******* shit babe I'm pregnant". I'm not sure I can really do much else to convince him. wait.... how did I deserve this??