Your everyday life stories

Gastropod scandal

Anonymous - 20/05/2022 04:00

Today, one of my aquatic snails banged my other aquatic snail til they both died. FML

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Raise the mood

leelee50 - - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said, "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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Modern life is rubbish

Anonymous - 18/05/2022 22:00

Today, despite the fact of learning I'm now over 300 pounds, causing a major blow to my self-esteem, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband if he wanted a blowjob. Unfortunately, he's trying out new mental meds and they've killed his sex drive. FML

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Quandary

Anonymous - 18/05/2022 12:00

Today, my nana died today of a heart attack in her sleep. I’ll never know if there was something I could have done, because while it was happening I was upstairs with a dildo, as it’s been a month since I had sex and I had the urge. I feel so selfish and ashamed. FML

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STI TMI

Anonymous - 17/05/2022 16:00 - United States - Cumberland

Today, at my physical, I found out that my ex-boyfriend who broke up with me 4 months ago was not only cheating on me, but had also manage to catch chlamydia and give it to me. I'm now dating someone else, so I had to explain that I've had chlamydia for 4 months without knowing, and he should probably get tested. FML

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Body issues

Anonymous - 17/05/2022 00:01

Today, I tried to encourage my spouse to come with me and work out a bit, figuring it would help us both get be healthier and be something to do together. I got told she had no desire to get healthy or look attractive, and that I should find a "Fuck buddy" instead. What? FML

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Alexa, play "****** Addict" by Buzzcocks

Nuttjacob - - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

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TMI

Anonymous - 16/05/2022 14:00

Today, I don’t know what my twin sister sees in her new boyfriend, he’s such a creep. I assume that last night they had sex for the first time, because he came up to me, grinning that stupid creepy grin of his, and said to my face that, since were twins, he now knows what my anus looks like too. FML

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Horndog

Anonymous - 16/05/2022 03:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I motioned to my buddy, “Check out that chick, she ain’t got a bra on.” Only for my buddy to turn back and say, “That’s a guy.” FML

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So romantic

Anonymous - 16/05/2022 10:00

Today, if I want to be sexually attracted to my wife, I need to be very drunk, but if I'm very drunk there's about a 2/3 chance I'll have whisky dick. Before you ask, we've been married over 40 years, so there's no point in divorcing, we've been together too long, so who else would want to shag us except each other? FML

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This charming man

Anonymous - 15/05/2022 22:00

Today, my date from last night sent a text obviously meant for his brother or a friend, which said, and I quote, “Bro I tried all those psychological tricks you taught me to get her to want to suck my dick but she didn’t offer even once, now I got blue balls and I had to pay for her meal too.” FML

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Curious

Ghostrui - 15/05/2022 04:00

Today, my dad thought it appropriate to ask if my boyfriend, who was in the other room, was circumcised. FML

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Raise the pressure

Anonymous - 14/05/2022 18:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. He got on top and started kissing my ear when a warm liquid went down my neck. My boyfriend had a gushing nosebleed, which went threw the pillowcase and the pillow. I got cockblocked by a nosebleed. FML

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Welcome to the rest of your life

no ohhhh - 14/05/2022 02:01

Today, I finally had sex after 3 long years. It lasted less than a minute, followed by 2 hours of talking about anime.. I'm in my 30s. FML

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Smuckling twat

Depressed - 13/05/2022 22:00

Today, my boyfriend is leaving me for his pregnant side chick, all because I “deprived” him of sex after suffering a miscarriage. To top it all off, the smug bastard actually told me, “Don’t worry, you’ll find happiness again someday, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Seriously dude? FML

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Heavy rotation

Anonymous - 12/05/2022 10:00

Today, I went to my friends-with-benefits's house as planned. My phone was on do not disturb so I missed the message half an hour before I was supposed to be there, asking to come tomorrow. I arrived and he had another chick there. Most awkward encounter, being asked to leave when she was the last minute plan, not me. FML

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There must be other reasons

Anonymous - 12/05/2022 00:01

Today, my wife is leaving me because I don’t satisfy her sexually. Chance would be a fine thing, every time I get romantic, all I get is, "I have a headache", "I think my period's coming", “Is sex all you think about?”, “What if the neighbours hear us?”, and my all time favourite, “Ew, not a chance.” FML

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Anticlimax

Anonymous - 11/05/2022 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a sex store for the first time, and bought $100 worth of stuff. Not only did we not have sex, but I was up all night throwing up. FML

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STI FML

Anonymous - 11/05/2022 00:01

Today, according to my doctor, I have the most stubborn case of chlamydia he’s ever encountered. It’s somehow survived three full courses of treatment, and I only caught it because my ex-fiancé is a cheating whoremonger. I may never have sex again. FML

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I likes what I likes

Anonymous - 10/05/2022 09:00 - United States - La Crosse

Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the reason why he tickles me all the time is because tickling really turns him on, and my ticklishness is "so fucking sexy!" FML

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Knockout

hwat? - 09/05/2022 20:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when she revealed her underwear: boxer shorts. She said she wears them because they’re the only underwear that doesn’t ride up her ass crack. Completely killed the mood. FML

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Double life

augustpearl - 09/05/2022 16:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a secret phone that's full of fake names and profiles (all his) and other women's nudes, with fake email accounts and social media accounts. He “wants us to work it out.” FML

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Hey there!

Anonymous - - United States - San Antonio

Today, I accidentally texted a picture of my cock to my dad. FML

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Egg mode

Anonymous - 08/05/2022 02:00

Today, my wife got turned on by the muscular girl from the movie Encanto and asked me if I'd be willing to dress as her the next time we have sex. I love my wife and I enjoy sex as much as anyone, but she must have lost her mind if she thinks I'll wear a skirt so she can pretend I'm a woman. FML

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Sexed to death

Anonymous - 06/05/2022 12:00

Today, I just got home from the police station where I had to explain that the guy I drunkenly hooked up with last night died in the middle of sex from a brain aneurysm. He had no wallet or anything, just car keys, so all I could tell the cops was his first name, that’s it. FML

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Classic

Anonymous - - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he had to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me his wife was going into labour. FML

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Overdoing it

Anonymous - 05/05/2022 16:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has epilepsy. How did I find this out? He started having a seizure after I did a striptease for him. I can’t get my boyfriend aroused now. FML

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Force of habit

Anonymous - - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

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Get on with it!

Anonymous - 05/05/2022 02:00

Today, for our third date, we watched a romantic movie at my house. The sex scene got me all hot and bothered, so I started holding his hand, massaging his thigh, and even fondling his dick, but when I turned to pounce on him right then and there, the bastard was asleep from boredom. FML

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What the hell is this workplace?

Anonymous - 04/05/2022 22:00

Today, it’s been so long since I got laid, I decided to rub one out in the office bathroom. I did it twice (morning/afternoon), and both times, there were two different guys clearly doing the same thing. The downstairs office bathroom is apparently a pit of desperation. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, I was finally forced to accept that after an almost 16 year relationship and 14 year marriage, it's pretty much over. After begging and pleading with her for the last few years to show any love and affection, she still refuses entirely. I'm only here for the kids now. FML

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Today, I told my man that I would love to have sex, provided that he helped me “warm up” enough to actually be able to enjoy it. His reply? "Well, never mind, if you’re not in the mood." FML

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Today, I took my truck through an automatic car wash. During the wash, the bristles on one of the automatic scrubbers ripped my metal antenna off of my car. The antenna was stuck spinning around in the scrubber, smacking and scratching the entire side of my car, top to bottom. FML

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Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

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Today, I took a quick nap in my car during my lunch break. I'd set an alarm but forgot to turn my car off, having switched the AC on due to the blistering heat. The cool air lulled me to sleep. When I woke up, my boss was knocking on my window. Apparently, I'd knocked the car into neutral and it had rolled into his parking spot. FML

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Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

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