Intimacy Sweet talker

Sweet talker

Anonymous - 27/12/2013 22:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

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Chinese New Year: Dragons and Laughter
Celebrate with stories where tradition and humor meet for a colorful Chinese New Year. …

notinterested - 13/09/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

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anne - 17/12/2011 03:46 - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

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milked - 27/02/2015 05:28 - United States

Today, as I was about to have sex with my husband, I said I wanted to "spice things up." Apparently, our ideas weren't the same. He yanked my nipples as hard as he could and said, "Yeah, you like that?" FML

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A teaching moment

Sensitive!!! - 24/08/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

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Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

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Sexy talk

hamburger - 06/07/2013 21:21 - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

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Hmmmm…

Anonymous - - United States

Today, my 21 year-old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

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Sharibabi65 - 07/03/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

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Beginner

madzlovesgee - 16/05/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML

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uoeno_fml 20

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:07

You should ****** him harder

Larry01_fml 19

Saturday 28 December 2013 5:05

sometimes you have to tell a guy exactly what you want

iDezmo 3

Wednesday 1 January 2014 4:03

Bahahahahahaha

honeybunny27 6

Sunday 5 January 2014 3:54

...I read this to my parents because I thought it was funny. They agreed. Then my dad asked my mom how people found her diary.

badkid91 11

Tuesday 25 February 2014 16:34

Wow

TheGreatCompo 11

Wednesday 26 August 2015 8:13

I'm guessing your husband spent some time in israel. This is the only way "I'm gonna penis you so hard" could, in any way make sense. Even then, it's not exactly sexy. Then again, what do I know, I'm single.