Your everyday life stories

minecraftwilldie - 02/06/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

41 245

14 777

Final push

satisfied88 - 02/06/2011 14:49

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost three months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

37 764

16 072

tomuchtime - 02/06/2011 08:46

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

13 817

43 871

Anonymous - 01/06/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, my daughter turned 18. She decided to use this day to tell me everywhere her and her boyfriends have had sex in my house to get revenge for being overprotective. FML

25 577

63 178

Perks

Username - 01/06/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, I had to give a reference for a former employee. I tried to say he was always willing to give us a hand on the job. Instead, I said he was always willing to give us hand-jobs. FML

19 415

31 989

Anonymous - 31/05/2011 11:21

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

23 787

69 890

Terminology

yummy - 30/05/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML

19 578

84 261

redhanded - 28/05/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML

17 745

61 859

valerie - 28/05/2011 01:04 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML

45 077

18 818

Anonymous - 27/05/2011 15:44 - Romania

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

33 887

9 159

Lifeless

Motionless - 26/05/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

43 115

23 806

blahblah493 - 26/05/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom trying to wax her butt. FML

50 117

6 648

Anonymous - 25/05/2011 20:33 - Canada

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from my biological father, who I have never met in my life. As I was scrolling through his hobbies and interests, I saw "Drinking," "Black women with big asses," and "Getting laid, lol." FML

52 266

3 988

katie - 25/05/2011 08:23

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

58 019

19 188

Sex Ed is broken

asnolt - 24/05/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

58 823

9 452

Off script

Anonymous - 24/05/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, my best friend thought the best time to tell me she was sleeping with my boyfriend was while we were acting in a play. FML

45 253

3 492

Say it, don't spray it

nr1234 - 24/05/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend gets a nose bleed every time he orgasms. FML

43 399

4 499

Jon - 23/05/2011 18:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

41 438

9 444

Badaboom - 23/05/2011 10:54 - Netherlands

Today, my 3-year-long dry spell was about to end. A lovely lady over for dinner, good food, wine and lots of laughs. Things heated up nicely in the bedroom when a playful wrestle made my bed shift, snapping two of its legs. The bed collapsed, totally ruining the mood. The dry spell continues. FML

42 910

6 354

Nature is healing

squirrels69ing - 22/05/2011 01:00 - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

48 054

6 292

hahanosirr - 21/05/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

43 118

6 132

You've got a friend

no one - 21/05/2011 09:07 - United States

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

65 654

11 419

Cassie - 21/05/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, my crush and I were talking on the phone and we were really hitting it off. We got on the subject of sex and I told him I have a purity ring. Then he suddenly said he had to go and hang up. FML

27 949

47 374

btswc - 21/05/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

38 176

9 783

Very funny, Dad

Anonymous - 20/05/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

45 690

4 635

Emma-Louise - 20/05/2011 19:46 - France

Today, the only positive thing my ex boyfriend left me was my pregnancy test. FML

61 436

14 375

mikeycoco - 20/05/2011 14:39

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

44 362

6 906

skiittlez713 - 20/05/2011 08:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

44 340

16 579

rileycrash - 20/05/2011 02:08 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML

36 793

6 915

levi69 - 18/05/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

60 631

4 730

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, my two boys wanted to sleep in bed with us. My wife gave them the okay, even though there’s not enough room for all of us to lay. I’m now sleeping in my 3 year-old’s bed. FML

865

176

Today, I purchased some blueberries from the store, since I usually hog all the fruit my family buys. My dad saw my blueberries and declared I'll be buying all my own food from now on. I'm 15. FML

817

178

Today, my childhood best friend and I just rekindled. He has literally known me since the day I was born. We spent all of our time together, baths, playing, all of it. We've always been connected. However, in high school, we ran from each other. Now, we found out we love one another but we’re in marriages. I would give up my SO for him. FML

184

763

Today, I dyed my hair blonde for my boyfriend, hoping it would help spice up our sex life. His response? It's still a few shades off from his favorite porn star. FML

25 919

5 331

Today, I slept over at my friend's house. Her dad made breakfast for us. While fixing a plate, my friend said, "Careful, my dad clips his nails in the kitchen." She said it with a sarcastic, joking tone, and laughed afterwards. While eating, I found a toenail in my food. Her response? "I told you." FML

50 629

5 570

Today, I went to get Lasik eye surgery. Beforehand, they give you an anxiety control pill because you're conscious during the operation. Guess who is immune to the pill and now has to get checked for anxiety disorders before rescheduling the surgery. FML

2 528

183