Today, I felt so lonely that I left the TV on for company. Then the power went out. FML
Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML
Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML
Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML
Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML
Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I tried to wipe some sweat off my brow before it could make its way down into my eye. I ended up poking myself in the eye so hard that I yelped, stumbled and was thrown off the still-moving treadmill while trying to regain my balance. FML
Today, I received a text from my boyfriend breaking up with me. Not only was this a bit cowardly but he'd also sent it in a reply to our last interaction on our phones, a group chat with some of our friends, who started commenting with sad face emojis before I had even had the chance to see it. FML
FAP= Forever Alone Party
Sounds like a party.