Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was, "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response, "Lucky you." FML
Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML
Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML
Today, I was cooking dinner for my children, managing for once not to screw up and hurt myself. Then, while chopping vegetables, I accidentally sliced my finger open. The same finger that was still covered in juice from a lemon I'd just squeezed. FML
Today, after my husband got in an argument with our neighbour and decided to build a fence, he got a surveyor to mark the boundary. It’s not where we thought it was, and his temper has cost us over half of what we thought was our garden. My vegetable garden and half of my Koi pond are on their side now. FML
Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML
Maybe he is trying to make you obedient. I'll bet your mom turned him on to the obedience-inducing treats in the first place.
Grub! Better get some while the gettin's good, baby!