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By Carowl - 05/08/2015 02:33

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

agreeclassic 24 227

vote type 1 2 918

By Anonymous - 05/07/2015 19:20 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

agreeclassic 24 319

vote type 1 7 006

By Anonymous - 19/05/2015 01:22 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got stopped by people asking for donations for their charity services. Being who I am, I hate saying no to people, so I told them "I don't have any money, only my card." Did you know they also accept payment by card? FML

agreeclassic 29 132

vote type 1 7 399

Thanks, random stranger

By { o } - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Miami

Today, an old man approached me at work. I smiled and asked, "Hi, can I help you"? He looked at me for a few seconds before replying, "Fuck me, you need to lose some weight!" and then wandering off. FML

agreeclassic 31 100

vote type 1 3 872

By ihateloopholes - 21/06/2015 20:42 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

agreeclassic 22 020

vote type 1 8 629

By megan - 01/04/2015 17:56 - United States - Lutz

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

agreeclassic 31 225

vote type 1 2 479

By NoMoreTacoBell - 04/06/2015 16:21 - United States - Herndon

Today, I made out with a boy for the first time. I belched into his mouth. FML

agreeclassic 27 368

vote type 1 6 650

NoMoreTacoBell app_comment_confession_title

NoMoreTacoBell 7

Saturday 6 June 2015 7:59

Hahaha I never thought this would get posted! So the long story is, me and this boy have been best friends for a long time, Taco Bell and burping contests are a regular part of our friendship (and many other less-gross things). First of all let's clear up that I DID NOT VOMIT in his mouth. Not that a burp is much better but oh well. We just started dating recently so I was mortified, but our being best friends helped us both laugh it off in the end. Definitely should have called this one TacoBelch.

By pandapantsMD - 18/04/2015 03:12 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

agreeclassic 31 979

vote type 1 2 672

Living free

By WhatTheFuck - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Bridgeview

Today, I had to listen to my grandma talk about how she's "allergic" to toilet paper, and how she lets nature "take care of it". FML

agreeclassic 26 815

vote type 1 1 823

Mob rule

By --- - 06/07/2015 20:52 - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy, the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes, my two sons, my daughter, and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

agreeclassic 25 595

vote type 1 12 948

By cbarr98 - 06/06/2015 01:00 - United States - Orange City

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

agreeclassic 30 877

vote type 1 3 021

Hostus mostus

By trappedinmyownhome - 15/07/2015 02:11

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

agreeclassic 28 580

vote type 1 2 838

By organizse - 20/06/2015 14:03 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I went to a job interview, and my father in law's house. As soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and noticed my bloody pantyliner had fallen out at one of these places. I don't know which one is worse. FML

agreeclassic 26 668

vote type 1 2 831

By Anonymous - 27/03/2015 08:17 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

agreeclassic 31 947

vote type 1 2 913

By simugeek - 15/08/2015 05:53 - United States - Gotha

Today, my mother gave me hell for my "video game addiction". The "game" in question? A professional flight simulator program that I'm using to complement my flight school lessons. FML

agreeclassic 27 135

vote type 1 1 763

simugeek app_comment_confession_title

simugeek 16

Monday 17 August 2015 4:47

Just 16 and starting my career very early because I love it!

By broke and hungry - 30/05/2015 18:53 - United States - West New York

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

agreeclassic 31 445

vote type 1 5 537

By still single - 06/08/2015 01:22 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

agreeclassic 24 706

vote type 1 3 026

Clueless

By jobless1 - 05/07/2015 04:04

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "LMAO" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

agreeclassic 27 694

vote type 1 2 136

By elovan - 25/07/2015 08:33 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

agreeclassic 11 950

vote type 1 21 146

By hobo - 17/05/2015 17:47 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

agreeclassic 31 589

vote type 1 2 207

Monolith

By AshWil - 26/06/2015 16:54 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

agreeclassic 16 885

vote type 1 23 140

Learning curve

By diapersplease - 07/06/2015 01:17 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year-old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

agreeclassic 28 765

vote type 1 2 782

Working here sucks

By people suck - 28/03/2015 04:16 - United States - Oakland

Today, while at work, a customer refused to speak louder, despite me asking her to do it several times. As a result, I took her order incorrectly. The customer then finally decided to raise her voice, but only to yell at me about my poor listening skills. FML

agreeclassic 32 401

vote type 1 2 525

By an anon - 27/03/2015 05:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some well-meaning soul told me to just pray my depression away, which would be about as effective as praying away a knife in my shin. FML

agreeclassic 27 061

vote type 1 3 836

By bruhskoni - 31/05/2015 02:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was exhausted due to staying up all night practicing for the most important performance of my orchestral career. I decided to take a nap to energize myself in preparation of the evening and woke up just in time to realize I'd missed the entire concert. FML

agreeclassic 33 474

vote type 1 11 581

bruhskoni app_comment_confession_title

bruhskoni 12

Friday 5 June 2015 3:26

Haha, yeah. I did set an alarm, but I was so exhausted I slept right through it and my clock turns itself off after about 20 minutes. I'm also studying for finals so it's just been a very awful stressful time period. To all of you guys saying YDI, you're totally right. I spread myself too thin and didn't adequately prepare, so it was all my fault. Luckily it was a small ensemble performance, and 2nd chair took my place, rather than a big solo, so it wasn't the end of the world that I missed it, but it was a big opportunity to exhibit my talent. There will be more to come though, and I will make sure not to be sleep deprived! Also to all y'all saying "sorry for your neighbors", luckily my school's music building has very nifty sound proof practice rooms which I spend a lot of Time in. Thank you all for your support and I'm mad excited this got published. To anybody else who also just suffered through/is taking finals, may luck be on your side!

By BananaCoconutty - 16/05/2015 16:33 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, I had the most excitement I have felt in the last two months when I went to a drugstore and they had my favourite bandaids. FML

agreeclassic 28 985

vote type 1 3 751

BananaCoconutty app_comment_confession_title

BananaCoconutty 26

Sunday 17 May 2015 17:42

They were the Scooby Doo Bandaids! Lol

By Blonde - 11/03/2015 03:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I googled for an hour how to open my CD player on my laptop. Turns out, there is none. They just put a space there to make it look like a CD player. FML

agreeclassic 31 129

vote type 1 6 428

By Wutdafuqq - 23/02/2015 20:18 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

agreeclassic 34 844

vote type 1 3 274

By ForeverAlone - 09/05/2015 15:53 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I emotionally confessed to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat it several times. He ended up telling me no. FML

agreeclassic 31 953

vote type 1 3 084

By Gilan - 06/04/2015 00:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got hit by a car. Not a real one, though; my sister thought it would be funny to take her RC car and smash it over my head as hard as she could. FML

agreeclassic 28 039

vote type 1 2 407

Gilan app_comment_confession_title

Gilan 14

Tuesday 7 April 2015 17:41

So a follow up. Once my head felt better I did buy her a new one. I do see a few asking what I did to deserve this. She's only three and didn't realize there would be any consequences, only thinking it would be funny. The only thing I can think of doing to even possibly deserve it is I told her she needed to stop running around yelling. But nah, all's well now I guess