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By keeperstride - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 828

You deserved it 72 213

By cieee - 13/02/2012 07:09 - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 939

You deserved it 5 077

By Anonymous - 10/06/2016 17:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 736

You deserved it 1 321

No

By grlks - 19/02/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I told a girl that I liked her. She replied, "Don't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 124

You deserved it 5 891

Named and shamed

By unwanted - 01/04/2020 05:00 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my cool, unique first name translates to "unwanted" in Hindi. Both my parents studied abroad in India for five years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 240

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 14/05/2016 20:16 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I bought a treadmill as part of my goal to get fit for summer. It doesn't look like it's going to get much use, seeing as how I sprained my ankle trying to get it in my doorway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 538

You deserved it 1 509

By Anonymous - 15/08/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, at a family gathering, my aunt asked me when I was planning to have children. I'm only 16, I laughed and said not for a while, definitely not until I get married. My family shook their heads, and ignored me for the rest of the day. Apparently, teenage pregnancy is valued in my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 235

You deserved it 3 284

Money for nothing

By Broke Bitch - 05/05/2016 21:48 - United States - Albertville

Today, I went to buy some frozen yogurt. I filled up a cup and the cashier rung it up. The total price was $6.92. I only had $5 in my wallet. So I gave her the $5 bill and went to my car to get more money. Little did I know, there was no money in my car. So I drove off. Leaving the $5 behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 967

You deserved it 13 042

By anonymous - 13/01/2012 05:05 - Canada

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 314

You deserved it 52 249

By ThatOneGirl646 - 12/01/2012 00:49 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 895

You deserved it 49 551

Big up retail workers

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 14:00

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 969

You deserved it 175

By frustrated - 05/08/2009 20:30 - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 793

You deserved it 5 741

By angie24w - 07/08/2018 23:30

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 845

You deserved it 197

Relationships sink

By BS2280 - 09/06/2020 23:00

Today, my wife told me that she isn't in a place where she can have a physical relationship, that if I want us to have a physical relationship then we need to start from the bottom up, and work on building a friendship. I'm like, we've been married 15 years, and we're not even friends? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 214

You deserved it 550

By AtLeastIPassed - 22/08/2018 09:30 - Canada - Berwick

Today, I was scheduled to work even though I'd booked the day off months in advance to take an important exam. Two weeks ago, I informed my manager and he said he found a replacement for me. An hour ago, my manager angrily called asking why I didn't show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 816

You deserved it 132

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 24/06/2020 20:08

Spicy

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 711

Zapped

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 17:48 - United States - Wittmann

Today, I'm on vacation and stupidly bought the cheapest sunblock I could find. Instead of protecting my skin, the sunblock acted as a damn lightning rod for the sun, and I now look like I just spent a few hours on a spit-roast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 547

You deserved it 8 705

By Anonymous - 01/04/2016 18:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 748

You deserved it 2 743

Protection

By Anonymous - 03/07/2020 08:01

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 616

You deserved it 154

By crap car - 30/03/2016 01:13 - United States - Golden

Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 120

You deserved it 1 867

By SassyBasher - 18/10/2013 00:14 - United States - Taylors

Today, I created a poster trying to raise self-harm awareness in teens for my school. They sent me to the counselor, suspended me, and recommended I go to therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 215

You deserved it 4 982

SassyBasher tells us more.

SassyBasher 13

Friday 18 October 2013 20:53

The poster was not offensive in any way, there were no triggering pictures, and the principal okayed it but apparently changed his mind at the last minute WITHOUT telling me. The reason I was trying to raise awareness is because I recently lost a close friend to suicide after she cut to deeply.

By sad - 05/11/2012 07:02 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I was eating a fancy dinner with my girlfriend at a restaurant. Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, who was seemingly still angry after our breakup 2 years ago, saw me through the window. She walked in, took my spaghetti dinner, shoved it in my face, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 854

You deserved it 3 487

By SoGoodAtLife - 09/03/2016 19:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 372

You deserved it 6 647

By Anonymous - 17/10/2018 17:30

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend's family for the first time. Unfortunately, I have diarrhoea and keep leaving extremely smelly farts around the house. I blame the dog every time, but I think they're catching on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 991

You deserved it 553

By cameron0779 - 19/02/2016 03:56 - United States

Today, I was helping my grandmother move a TV into her room upstairs. While carrying the TV, I slipped on a stair, fell over and broke the banister. I broke my leg and smashed the TV as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 942

You deserved it 1 897

cameron0779 tells us more.

cameron0779 18

Friday 19 February 2016 19:28

Hey everyone, OP here. Thanks for all the support, doc says I'll be able to walk again in a few weeks. I was wearing socks, and my grandma's house has wooden stairs. My grandmother and I are very close, and she completely understood; she wasn't upset. And now, as for the TV. I'd say it WAS about 40 inches and rather new, so it wasn't too heavy. But I'll by buying another one. I'll also be fixing the banister. It was just a fluke accident, no hard feelings. And yes, my grandmother cared about my leg. Bye guys!

By ChubbyTubby - 17/01/2010 18:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 688

You deserved it 6 731

Cheapskate

By Anonymous - 08/12/2021 05:01

Today, I asked my sister why she doesn’t visit our dad in hospital anymore. He’s been in a coma for months, but what she said was just nasty. Apparently, if she wanted to talk to a vegetable, she’d yell into the fridge once a week, at least it would save her the long bus ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 190

By UUUGHHH - 05/02/2016 20:33 - France - Villejuif

Today, I watched in horror from the other room as my boyfriend picked the biggest, slimiest booger I've ever seen, then lowered it into his mouth, and licked his finger clean. I very nearly threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 196

You deserved it 2 725

By nabru - 06/11/2018 14:30 - Brazil - Florian?polis

Today, I reached my goal weight. My arms and legs are thin, but my face looks horrible and my belly didn't reduce an inch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 831

You deserved it 297

By ashamed - 14/12/2014 02:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 160

You deserved it 3 260

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The Top

The Top

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 762

You deserved it 4 542

Today, my son took some of my underwear to school. What's worse is he sold it to his classmate for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 800

You deserved it 196

Today, I walked 6 miles to see my girlfriend. After 5 and a half miles, she broke up with me because I never visit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 689

You deserved it 3 958

Today, I was laughing at the new granite stool sculpture our work put in the office garden. I said to my colleagues for a laugh that I'd be the first to sit on it. Turns out it was a bird bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 171

You deserved it 4 519

Today, I called my new boyfriend by my ex’s name. Twice. In the same conversation. I’m having trouble saying anything while looking at him in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 493

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 104

You deserved it 1 660