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By Jen - 26/11/2018 07:30 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 466

You deserved it 277

The customer is always right

By peachass - 29/12/2015 04:59 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 993

You deserved it 1 301

Who dis? New phone

By Sexting - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's phone was stolen. I have no idea who I've been sexting the entire afternoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 763

You deserved it 9 375

Crackers

By crazycrochetlady - 17/12/2018 20:00

Today, I'm 7 weeks pregnant. For the first time in a week, I feel well enough to eat something that isn't cheerios, a bagel, or crackers. I woke up 2 hours after going to bed with the shits. I'm almost convinced this kid hates me already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 252

You deserved it 279

Vibe check

By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat, "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 165

You deserved it 2 245

By Itchy - 28/02/2017 18:00

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 428

You deserved it 685

A different kind of wind

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 369

You deserved it 4 946

Talk to me baby

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Norwalk

Today, I felt so lonely that I asked Siri to read me Wikipedia articles so that I could pretend I was having a conversation with a real human being. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 953

You deserved it 3 463

By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 452

You deserved it 2 259

By Loveless - 06/05/2019 00:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 320

You deserved it 230

By Geemeisters - 08/11/2015 10:03 - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, after several months desperately searching for a job and feeling pretty insecure and unimportant, I drove 15 miles to a job interview. On parking my car at the destination, I found that during my drive a spider had been making a cobweb between the car and my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 094

You deserved it 1 843

Jingle bells

By LonelyThisChristmas - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my stepmum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 675

You deserved it 804

By MedChew - 30/10/2015 17:01 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Spicy

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 137

You deserved it 5 119

Indoctrination

By ZeroG57 - 04/05/2017 14:00

Today, my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement." Yup, it's a cult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 228

You deserved it 491

By fingerfuckd - 29/04/2009 15:47 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started crying at the peak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied. "I-I-I MISS HIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I was inside her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166 804

You deserved it 13 716

Vampire News

By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 358

You deserved it 574

By sig - 22/11/2016 13:54

Today, I found out that I'm not welcome at my boyfriend's dad funeral, because his ex-wife has invited herself, and it would be too awkward to explain to his extended family, most of whom apparently don't yet know that he's divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 442

You deserved it 937

By Anonymous - 27/09/2015 12:21 - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 368

You deserved it 1 856

PTSD

By cougar26 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Pullman

Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 729

You deserved it 1 576

By kmtau - 09/11/2016 21:38 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I showed my grandma my new septum piercing. Her only response was, "I hope it gets infected and your nose falls off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 018

You deserved it 4 802

kmtau tells us more.

kmtau 14

Tuesday 15 November 2016 0:20

OP here. First of all, I'd like to let everyone know that I don't give a rat's ass about your opinion of septum piercings. That being said, I knew my grandma would not be happy about it but I did it anyway because I've wanted one for a long time. She did apologize shortly after saying this, and now she's gotten used to it! Yesterday when we were at a restaurant she reached over to fix it because it was crooked and has even shown me cute jewelry for it that she found online :)

By Litterbox - 20/04/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 147 280

You deserved it 17 300

Litterbox tells us more.

Litterbox 0

Wednesday 22 April 2009 1:30

Wow O_o I can't believe how much of a response this thing is getting(first post ever...) But for clarification:(Skip if you want...Blah) a) Since my mother was willing to beat me with a metal end of a broom for claiming Hitler and the events of the holocaust were wrong and has a machete at the ready underneath her bed, the threat was/is to be taken seriously, wouldn't you think... (Is she still hilarious?) b) Kill me, sure, but THE KID??? c)I would've loved for my mother to have been concerned/open enough with me to have an actual conversation about sex... Blegh -_-

Cats are Satan's Minions

By I don't trust them. - 02/07/2017 18:00

Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 209

You deserved it 1 004

Didn't see ya there!

By Anonymous - 29/08/2015 19:10 - United States - West Chester

Today, I was outside talking to my new neighbor. I was gesturing while talking and didn't notice the little kid riding her bike coming our way. I ended up accidentally smacking her in the face and knocking her off her bike. Apparently she's my new neighbor's daughter. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 110

You deserved it 2 378

By ANON - 21/08/2015 06:22 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, one of my ears randomly went deaf. I went to the doctor, thinking I had an ear infection or something. Turns out that your ears can go deaf entirely without reason, and I now have medication to take to see if I can get any of my hearing back in that ear. I'm only 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 123

You deserved it 1 640

Jinx

By Anonymous - 15/08/2017 23:15

Today, I was reversing my brother's car out of a driveway. I turned to my friend in the passenger seat and said, "Check it out, I'm so good at reversing!" Next minute there's a huge bang. I had just reversed into a tree and shattered the windscreen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 4 943

Thanks for the suggestions

By catty_13 - 26/09/2017 13:00

Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I've received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman, as it's the best way to improve the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 436

You deserved it 269

By Sue Ellen - 21/04/2014 15:43 - United States - Providence

Spicy

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 445

You deserved it 15 343

By homersgirl - 30/09/2009 08:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 376

You deserved it 5 136

By Chelstable - 02/08/2016 17:57

Today, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I didn't get it from drinking, but rather from puking 6 times off the side of a fishing boat. Fishing was the one thing my husband wanted to do while on vacation, even though I'm 3 months pregnant and have a bad stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 742

You deserved it 1 504

Rain check?

By Egtat216 - 29/07/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 425

You deserved it 1 479

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, while walking my dog, I saw a hot guy so I tried to look chill. My dog chose that exact moment to take an enormous dump. I didn’t have any bags. The dude stared while I pretended to check my phone until he walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 549

Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 795

You deserved it 2 185

Today, I went to a restaurant for a second date. As we were eating, a piece of food got stuck in my teeth. I tried to discreetly remove it, but ended up spitting it across the table and onto my date's glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 280

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 993

You deserved it 2 186

Today, I bought a car off my aunt, then I got 7 speeding tickets. Apparently my aunt forgot to tell me the speedometer is faulty, so while I thought I was doing a safe 28 or 29 mph in the 30 zone on my way to work, I was probably doing closer to 35 or 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 612

You deserved it 441

Today, I met with my boss hoping to hear about a possible raise that had been promised many months ago. He then told me that the only way I would get a raise was if I found a better paying job and took it, and that the company was in no position to offer anyone a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 446

You deserved it 1 218