The Top

Nah, he's not a jerk. I'm not too mad, it was just kinda embarrassing at the time. Anyway the guys always been really forgetful and disorganized, plus he's retiring this year too so I guess I'm not hugely surprised lmao

Fancy seeing you here

By Pikababy19 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and heard the shower running. Would have been nice to know my father-in-law was here before I walked in naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 067

You deserved it 2 342

By fmlsheffgirl - 25/07/2016 11:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 670

You deserved it 1 741

Submission

By Anonymous - 24/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 528

You deserved it 1 930

Nature is healing

By anonymous - 30/06/2016 05:27 - United States - Forney

Today, I was started my week of camping alone in the woods. I took my shoes off to go to sleep, but I had to come out to get water. I stepped on a wasp, and while I was standing on one foot looking at the sting, I realized I was in an ant pile. I'm allergic to both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 328

You deserved it 2 477

By halza - 30/05/2016 11:03 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 447

You deserved it 983

By Anonymous - 04/05/2018 19:00

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 247

You deserved it 1 625

By ryzzostar - 25/05/2016 19:50 - United States - Seminole

Today, I finally got my screaming, teething, 1-year-old daughter down for a nap to hopefully get some work done. The second I opened my laptop, FedEx dropped off a package and rang the doorbell. My dog went nuts. Then my neighbor rang the doorbell to let me know I had a package. My daughter's awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 800

You deserved it 959

ryzzostar tells us more.

ryzzostar 16

Friday 27 May 2016 9:01

I'm OP. There has been a sign on my doorbell since I brought her home that says "IF YOU RING THIS DOORBELL YOU WIN A SCREAMING BABY", as for the dog she's been through training (several times) but she failed... but she's as good-natured as they come, and my neighbor means well, he wanted to make sure I brought in the package because there has been a lot of theft in my neighborhood lately. My daughter was very premature but never been sick so we use natural remedies over Orajel and Tylenol/Motrin, she rarely fusses about her teeth, it was just one of those days.

Keep fit!

By anonymous - 13/04/2020 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 1 695

By Anonymous - 13/06/2018 12:00 - United States - Bethany

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 381

You deserved it 233

How sweet

By Birdman - 23/06/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 768

You deserved it 824

Geography lessons

By nootnoot - 10/05/2016 06:33 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 786

You deserved it 1 492

No yolk

By eggonmiface - 01/07/2018 15:00

Today, I made scrambled eggs. Returning the rest of the carton, I tripped and spilled 10 raw eggs all over the inside of the fridge. The same fridge I spent 2 hours cleaning and scrubbing every drawer and shelf of yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 445

You deserved it 512

Looking like a fool...

By Pantsontheground - 09/08/2018 12:30 - United States - New York

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 413

You deserved it 3 049

Creepypasta

By running scared - 08/04/2016 09:40 - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You're such a cute couple!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 686

You deserved it 1 827

Perv'

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 14:00

Today, someone tried to rob my boss's store and I had a knife held to my neck. That’s not the FML. The FML is that, for some reason, it excited me and I got a boner. The thief told me I was all kinds of messed up and left without stealing anything. My god, I’m some kind of freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 242

Bullet = Dodged

By nikkei - 01/09/2018 22:00

Today, while paying for dinner, my card declined and my date immediately left. The waitress then ran my card again successfully. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 263

You deserved it 214

Health goals

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 618

You deserved it 2 919

By stopfollowingmemeansstopfollowingme - 08/09/2018 04:30 - Australia - Matraville

Today, I tried to repay a friend's kindness by taking her visiting brother out for lunch while she was at work. He must have misread my friendliness, as he ended up following me home. I had to call the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 869

You deserved it 304

Lawyer up

By gnofin - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking out of a grocery store. I hit the button on my key to open the trunk, which hit an old lady just under her chin and knocked her to the ground. As she laid there, she pointed a shaky, bony finger at me and yelled that she would sue me for everything I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 940

You deserved it 3 180

By Anonymous - 27/09/2018 19:37

Today, while picking up my dog from the groomer, the back of my hand accidentally brushed against the entire side of her boob. She stopped talking mid-sentence. I'm going to need to find a new groomer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 647

You deserved it 488

Debbie Baker Minium tells us more.

Debbie Baker Minium 8

Thursday 27 September 2018 4:09

OP here. Just to clarify...I have a little 7 lb dog & the groomer was holding her. I reached to take her & the groomer turned sideways which is how my hand brushed her boob. And of course I apologized!!!! I'm a woman by the way so it wasn't a man on woman grope or anything --- still awkward and embarrassing. I love this groomer though so I will probably suck up the awkwardness and be more careful next time!!! :-)

By yikesss - 23/10/2018 03:00

Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 891

You deserved it 446