Top

Oh hi, OP here with much desired answers its seems. I adopted the cat from the local vet/asylum. They gave it to me as male and neutered. Even in the store I spotted it was most probably a she, but I didn't want to make a fuss and didn't care. I named her Violet, and she has a little brother named Dash. Kudos to whomever gets the reference. The big surprise for me was that not only did the vet **** up the gender, they also got the neutered part wrong.

C'est la langue de l'amour!

By Anonymous - 19/10/2017 05:00

Today, my French teacher set up a role-play scenario to act out in front of the class. During one of my lines, I mispronounced a phrase and called my teacher sexy. FML

agreeclassic 3 103

vote type 1 463

By JustShutUp - 27/07/2016 18:40

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

agreeclassic 13 538

vote type 1 944

House rules

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 22:00

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

agreeclassic 2 226

vote type 1 1 263

By jaym42013 - 22/07/2016 19:29 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had to stop at Starbucks to get my boss a drink. His son, who is at least 30 minutes late to work every day, was just walking in as I was walking out with all of my stuff. FML

agreeclassic 16 910

vote type 1 1 121

Get me out of here

By IamHM - 19/07/2016 18:36 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I'm on a 14-hour flight, stuck next to a large man whose rancid body odor is eclipsed only by his constant flatulence, which he loudly blames on me every time. On my other side is his friend who laughs like a moose at everything. There are no empty seats and no-one will trade with me. FML

agreeclassic 13 287

vote type 1 1 763

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 18:00

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

agreeclassic 1 873

vote type 1 915

By Anonymous - 26/06/2016 12:22 - Australia - West End

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

agreeclassic 13 524

vote type 1 5 541

Kinda sus

By Anonymous - 10/06/2016 14:28 - Canada - Montréal

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

agreeclassic 14 762

vote type 1 1 140

By diablo - 23/05/2018 19:00

Today, I assisted my first customer at my first job as a Target cashier. When I rang up this lady's items and gave her the total, not only did she hiss at me and spit in my face, but she also dragged my manager over and demanded that he fire me. He did. FML

agreeclassic 4 487

vote type 1 322

By gavthewarealpaca - 16/05/2016 09:36 - United States - Holly

Today, my mattress has gotten so old and trashed that I was woken up by two springs ripping through my bed sheets and stabbing me in the leg and abdomen. FML

agreeclassic 11 978

vote type 1 2 181

gavthewarealpaca app_comment_confession_title

gavthewarealpaca 21

Tuesday 17 May 2016 8:04

Hey everybody, OP here, I love all the puns you have made and the concern. The spring that hit my leg went pretty far in, it chipped a small piece off my femur and the one in my abdomen was only skin deep. I'm currently in the hospital recovering from the surgery to get the little chip of bone out of my leg. I'm doing well and will be out within a few days! Thank you for the publish!!

Karma

By Loser - 08/06/2018 01:30

Today, at school, I offered my friend $5 to climb up a tree and jump off. I was already having a hard day and just wanted a bit of a laugh. What I didn't expect was to end up in the hospital with a broken arm because my friend jumped on me. FML

agreeclassic 1 606

vote type 1 4 423

By srs - 11/08/2018 20:30

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

agreeclassic 3 098

vote type 1 518

By bl3ur0z3 - 03/09/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that my new apartment complex does not allow "altercations in community areas". This includes pulling my child out of the pool and reprimanding him for holding his cousin under water. I can't parent outside my apartment. FML

agreeclassic 3 093

vote type 1 268

Jorts it is

By pantless - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

agreeclassic 19 838

vote type 1 1 316

Classic

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 23:01

Today, I caught my sister in bed with my girlfriend. I’m not sure what’s worse, the cheating, the fact I’ve never managed to make my girlfriend moan like that, or the fact this is the second girlfriend she’s stolen from me in the last year. FML

agreeclassic 2 730

vote type 1 347

Chuds be like that

By NotYourToy - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

agreeclassic 23 375

vote type 1 2 275

By ywouldudomelikethat - 03/01/2016 20:02 - United States - Renton

Today, I found out my ex started a Tumblr where she posts one photo a day. Each photo being a pic I texted her over the course of our relationship. My office, the bars I like to go to, favorite restaurants, my mom's place, my place, my penis, etc. FML

agreeclassic 25 673

vote type 1 4 611

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 11:40 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

agreeclassic 25 844

vote type 1 2 289

By jellenwood - 07/11/2015 13:12 - United States - Kerrville

Today, I got married. The minister pronounced us husband and wife using our first names. Except he used my husband's ex-wife's name. I happened to glance at my mother-in-law who was almost in tears from laughing so hard. FML

agreeclassic 27 720

vote type 1 1 720

jellenwood app_comment_confession_title

jellenwood 35

Sunday 8 November 2015 12:01

OP here! So, this was several years ago. Apparently his family didn't want want him to marry me and never wanted him to divorce his first wife. His father is the one who performed the wedding. He called me the wrong name several times during the ceremony. I don't know if he did it on purpose or not. Friends later tell me it wasn't just his mother that was laughing but many members of his family but I just couldn't hear them. H

By Pisciana unlucky - 29/04/2017 21:00 - Brazil - Niteroi

Today, as I was going to bed, I decided to read a book. Just as I touched the book, the bedroom light burned out. FML

agreeclassic 4 605

vote type 1 434