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I'm from southern Indiana in the US. When something ***** the bed it means something malfunctioned or something went horribly wrong. And, believe me, horrible is and understatement. I had to wear a respirator while I cleaned this up!

Weird assumption

By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 14:29 - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye seven years of friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 550

You deserved it 1 816

How's it going?

By initforthewrongreasons - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least four relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 837

You deserved it 1 513

By Anonymous - 09/10/2017 23:15

Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 767

You deserved it 1 317

After vacation

By Anonymous - 23/12/2019 18:00

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 517

You deserved it 288

By Jason - 14/02/2018 15:00

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 259

You deserved it 672

By Anonymous - 25/06/2016 09:02 - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 934

You deserved it 950

The price of sin

By Anonymous - 30/05/2016 16:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 839

You deserved it 3 893

By Don’t know what to think - 16/06/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me with an Eagles cheerleader. I found out when his dad proudly posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 362

You deserved it 336

The View

By Anonymous - 30/04/2020 17:00

Today, my boyfriend refuses to do doggy style anymore because I, and I quote, "have a weird looking butthole, it’s not dirty or anything, it’s just the strangest butthole I’ve ever seen, it’s really distracting." So now, I’m not only self-conscious about my small boobs, but my ugly asshole too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 836

You deserved it 366

Bye, loser

By Anonymous - 20/04/2016 00:56 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 749

You deserved it 2 231

By karmaiguess - 18/10/2018 03:00

Today, I saw the guy I bullied during elementary school and tried to apologize to him. Instead, he took out a knife and stabbed me. I'm currently in the ER. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 380

You deserved it 5 233

By Coaldust - 03/01/2017 02:02

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 636

You deserved it 2 006

By Devlynfly - 25/02/2016 04:32 - Canada - London

Today, while working as a hostess, one of my tattoos on my leg was showing. It's not uncommon for guests to comment on tattoos as we're high end and I'm one of two staff members with visible tattoos. What is uncommon is an elderly lady hiking up my skirt for a better view. I flashed everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 606

You deserved it 2 263

Devlynfly tells us more.

Devlynfly 11

Thursday 25 February 2016 15:30

OP here! Thanks for all the comments and concerns. To make this shorter I've already answered specific questions directly. She was a really nice lady and thought my hand tattoos (flowers,) were nice and just wanted to see the rest of the hidden one she noticed. After she realized just how far up my leg it went, and how high my skirt had been pulled she did back away. I could be mad at her but really I just see it as a funny story to tell, no harm was meant and she meant it as a compliment in her own way. She did tip me, and it helped my business at least since other customers felt bad for me and over tipped me. ;) Keep the jokes coming, I think they're all great!

By fartz - 31/08/2013 06:04 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 531

You deserved it 8 110