The Top

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By disaster... - 20/05/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 392

You deserved it 6 619

Slurs a gogo

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 13:47 - United States - Roxboro

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 703

You deserved it 1 939

Get over it

By Anonymous - 03/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 753

You deserved it 2 742

By kay - 01/06/2012 21:08 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 002

You deserved it 4 361

By Anonymous - 11/07/2014 17:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 688

You deserved it 18 330

By supervisor - 06/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 956

You deserved it 18 244

By ALLALA - 04/04/2009 23:34 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 004

You deserved it 24 399

By Hotsauce887 - 29/03/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 292

You deserved it 25 664

Inappropriate but funny

By um... maybe - 12/03/2013 22:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping my father-in-law out at a family barbecue. Somehow, the topic turned to grand-children, at which point I confessed that my wife has been having trouble conceiving. His response was to boom: "Sure you've been putting it in the right hole, son?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 058

You deserved it 5 045

By skywayavenue - 19/03/2009 05:09 - Canada

Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 200

You deserved it 99 725

By hairy - 08/03/2012 14:30 - Serbia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. Apparently, my nose hair scares him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 552

You deserved it 13 824

By Anonymous - 07/03/2012 06:46 - United States

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 934

You deserved it 2 482

By violatedinden - 24/08/2009 00:57 - United States

Today, my next door neighbor told me that he liked the carpet in my bedroom. I live alone. He's never been in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 544

You deserved it 2 422

By Chan - 23/01/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I was holding my son and smelled poop so I checked his diaper, but there was nothing there. Then I realized it was my breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 113

You deserved it 40 593

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 05:14 - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 206

You deserved it 7 488

By Sexless4Life - 05/08/2013 18:33 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I realized that it's been well over a month since my boyfriend has even tried to have sex with me. The last time was our first time, and because he couldn't keep it up, he's too humiliated to accept any of my advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 984

You deserved it 6 955

By nickyboy - 02/12/2010 17:02 - Australia

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 953

You deserved it 8 689

Romance is dead

By cuteloser - 04/10/2014 13:57 - Australia

Today, I thought I would be cute for my one year anniversary with my girlfriend, so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 369

You deserved it 7 581

By FMyBrain - 06/06/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 525

You deserved it 6 046

By fuck off, eh! - 07/03/2014 21:25 - Canada - Milton

Today, my hippy nutjob of a roommate threw a bitch fit at me, all because he saw me chopping down a tree in Minecraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 452

You deserved it 5 094

By charlotte273 - 30/06/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought Veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 281

You deserved it 13 918

It got a bit out of hand

By mark - 06/06/2010 23:48 - United States

Today, I went downstairs after a family argument. The front door was kicked in, the sink faucet was snapped off, and there were broken plates all over the kitchen floor. I later found out that the argument was over who left the refrigerator door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 881

You deserved it 2 613

Supply chain issues

By Kramer - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 846

You deserved it 33 659

By FGum - 30/07/2009 05:56 - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 470

You deserved it 87 890

By bob - 07/02/2011 06:52 - Canada

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 440

You deserved it 2 620

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 933

You deserved it 2 698

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 09:26 - United States

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 783

You deserved it 35 908

Diss track

By Popscene - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 750

You deserved it 3 029

By toothfairy - 26/06/2009 14:20 - United Kingdom

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 730

You deserved it 2 987

By targe - 19/10/2011 09:40 - Australia

Today, after a stressful series of events, I went to the beach to unwind. I sat on the sand, breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to find some sort of inner peace. Then a seagull shat on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 868

You deserved it 3 611

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The Top

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 760

You deserved it 26 544

Today, it transpired that my mom has been spending her stint in prison trying to play matchmaker for me, going so far as to call one of her finds, "good breeding stock". Apparently, I don't already have enough criminals in my life; last September I was the only member of my family of 5 not locked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 989

You deserved it 3 115

Today, I watched my co-worker throw the mother of all temper tantrums. He's a radio personality, and just learned that he's not famous enough to use the "Don't you know who I am?" line to get out of a traffic ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 371

You deserved it 3 166

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said, "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 143

You deserved it 15 106

Today, I found out that if you see a picture in your boss's office of a extremely good looking, big breasted woman kissing him on the cheek, not to comment. Because that extremely good looking, big breasted woman, just might be his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 595

You deserved it 45 120

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 406

You deserved it 158