The Top

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Make it stop!

By DBR - 23/04/2009 10:45 - United States

Today, my alarm went off. I reached to swat it, missed, slipped, smacked my face on my dresser, and fell on the floor. As I picked myself up off the floor, I hit my head on the open top drawer of my other dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness, I was attacked by two pieces of furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 915

You deserved it 11 479

It's the thought that counts

By ohhotdamn - 19/04/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, for my mom's 50th birthday, all she wanted was a certain gold bracelet. It was too much money for me to buy, so I bought the same one in silver. Right before I gave it to her, my older sister gave her the gold bracelet, which made her cry. When I gave her my present, she just said, "Oh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 880

You deserved it 5 744

Bad luck

By login_eddy - 17/09/2010 18:37 - France

Today, while cleaning behind a ladder, I banged my head on one of the hand rails. I stood up, cursed, and moved to the other side. To my luck, I hit the other side of my head. I now have two lumps perfectly placed as horns on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 677

You deserved it 6 750

By oops - 05/04/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 067

You deserved it 80 663

Impossible

By Anonymous - 06/06/2011 14:18

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 224

You deserved it 4 144

By fviz - 07/02/2013 09:51 - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 202

You deserved it 2 808

Hangry time

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 18:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 998

You deserved it 9 724

By ryuken23 - 14/02/2012 19:16 - United Kingdom

Today, after breaking down in front of my therapist over some really sensitive issues, she decided to also break down. Not about my story but about her own life. I'm not being paid to comfort and console my therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 095

You deserved it 2 939

By Anonymous - 20/03/2010 08:38 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my dad why it is important for him to clear the browsing history after watching sexual explicit material on the family computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 206

You deserved it 4 077

By notakeeper - 03/01/2014 03:50 - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 125

You deserved it 4 666

By Amy - 10/01/2013 05:09 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend wearing yoga pants and taking pictures of his butt to post on a "Girls in yoga pants" site. He saw my expression and said, "Nah, it's cool, I hid my junk so they'll think it's a chick!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 039

You deserved it 6 002

Confusing

By Anonymous - 06/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 974

You deserved it 4 476

By mmvv - 08/02/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 459

You deserved it 3 857

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 563

You deserved it 5 218

By stupid_airbag - 13/08/2012 08:06 - Australia

Today, the air bag system in my car somehow malfunctioned, and the air bag inflated while I was driving, causing me to lose control and crash into a street light. I ended up with a badly bruised face because the air bag had already deflated by then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 963

You deserved it 1 776

This is fine

By Anonymous - 09/06/2012 02:36 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the beach, my boyfriend picked me up and carried me over his shoulder. I felt my bikini top come undone in the process. I panicked and pulled down on his shorts. We were fined for indecent exposure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 682

You deserved it 10 394

By Anonymous - 17/09/2010 11:36 - United States

Today, I broke my toe. After telling my friend about it, he promptly stomped on it to "see what my reaction would be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 491

You deserved it 3 521

By veebenjoo - 28/06/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, I got asked out for the first time in my life. During a prank call. By a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 934

You deserved it 4 323

Looking cool

By Anonymous - 18/05/2014 04:48 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 884

You deserved it 6 096

By Anonymous - 08/03/2010 14:35 - United States

Today, I have a rash all over my face because yesterday my boyfriend broke up with me. Apparently, I am allergic to the something in the tissues with which I was blowing my nose and wiping away my tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 674

You deserved it 3 012

Desperate Dan

By BKCK4187 - 20/12/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 211

You deserved it 6 916

By brit - 11/02/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 852

You deserved it 5 634

Perfect day

By Anonymous - 07/02/2015 21:03 - United States - Edison

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 485

You deserved it 3 543

By courtnayy - 30/09/2013 14:47 - United States

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 678

You deserved it 6 004

By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 18:54 - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 378

You deserved it 4 251

By shouldbehappyiguess - 11/07/2013 06:20 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, a coworker complimented me on losing weight, and said that she wished she could drop a few pounds too. I was too embarrassed to tell her that the only reason I've lost weight is because I haven't been able to afford to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 132

You deserved it 3 925

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 227

You deserved it 6 731

By cunting cunts - 29/05/2012 17:10 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I was driving home, when some kid on a motorbike shot in front of me from the pavement, almost running me off the road. When I confronted him, he screamed, "Watch where you're going next time!" If I could flush every last one of these human turds from the toilet of life, I would. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 545

You deserved it 3 486

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 17:51 - Canada

Today, I was shopping in a store and an employee was mopping the floor. She mopped all around where I was standing then told me to wait until the floor dried to move. I had to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 598

You deserved it 6 446

Badass grandma

By yelyah - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 990

You deserved it 2 271

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The Top

Today I got a call from my daughter's school, because she claimed that she couldn't see out of her right eye. I panicked and went to pick her up. On the way to the emergency room, she turns to me and says, "I'm fine. I didn't want to take a test." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 962

You deserved it 672

Today, a woman called the store I work for. When she found out it was a wrong number, she started to cry and asked me to stay on the line with her, talking about her dead husband and how she hasn't laughed in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 284

You deserved it 3 229

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 200

You deserved it 1 456

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 491

You deserved it 63 359

Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 185

You deserved it 4 356

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend, with whom I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlocked the door to see that the place was a mess. She'd thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 278

You deserved it 2 457