The Top

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Spotted

By Username - 07/03/2010 17:41 - France

Spicy

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 987

You deserved it 3 545

By Kasey Eames - 23/12/2012 06:19 - United States - Oceanside

Spicy

Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and "do it like deer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 931

You deserved it 8 406

By argh - 24/02/2010 06:29 - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 559

You deserved it 2 256

By Anonymous - 01/02/2010 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a class presentation, when I suddenly sneezed so hard I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 915

You deserved it 4 116

Ouchie

By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 20:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 713

You deserved it 3 062

Left out in the cold

By Oh_baby - 10/06/2009 17:35 - United States

Today, I checked Facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 098

You deserved it 4 447

By ryanharp2 - 27/07/2012 05:05 - United States - Conway

Today, my iPhone got back from being fixed. When I opened the box there was a note attached to my phone that said, "All you had to do was turn it on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 721

You deserved it 43 019

Brain worms

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck. I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 851

You deserved it 10 020

Daddy's in the shit again

By habbsrule - 15/06/2012 14:21 - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 517

You deserved it 30 151

Scammed

By Username - 04/08/2011 09:15 - United States

Today, my twit of a husband admitted to falling for an internet scam involving a dead foreign politician, the promise of a share in millions of dollars currently stuck in a bank, and him having wired a large amount of our money to "bribe an official". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 822

You deserved it 4 929

By edhalen - 23/04/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 983

You deserved it 64 366

Genius

By ohno - 13/07/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied, "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 479

You deserved it 7 103

Go away

By xharuki - 29/08/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before our closing time at 2 a.m. and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 707

You deserved it 3 532

By CoolStoryBro - 29/03/2013 08:23

Today, while I was at work, I was on the verge of tears. My coworker asked what was wrong and I explained that I recently had to put my dog down. He then replied, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 858

You deserved it 3 600

Sex ed

By Anonymous - 23/03/2013 00:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, my psycho abstinence-only sex ed teacher claimed condoms give 50% protection at most against pregnancy. I couldn't help but correct her. She apologized for her "mistake", saying, "It's just that we're not ALL sluts, Kara." Now everyone thinks I'm a raging whore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 429

You deserved it 6 884

Great idea!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 283

You deserved it 3 320

By Anonymous - 23/05/2015 14:50 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 822

You deserved it 2 004

By Anonymous - 12/01/2014 06:38 - Australia - Boondall

Spicy

Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 150

You deserved it 6 225

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 05:37 - United States

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 578

You deserved it 2 628

Noise annoys

By Steph - 21/06/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Spicy

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 488

You deserved it 3 291

By 800z - 16/08/2011 06:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I biked 15 km to my girlfriend's house in really heavy rain to surprise her. Turns out she's on holiday in Spain, and hadn't bothered to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 529

You deserved it 4 628

No, just no

By misterhippo - 22/04/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 007

You deserved it 12 304

Double sus

By Turnipseed3 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever, and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 346

You deserved it 3 173

By cartrouble - 02/10/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 154

You deserved it 2 855

Mystery

By Anonymous - 17/07/2016 14:51 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 837

You deserved it 1 988

By Forgotten - 06/09/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 713

You deserved it 4 086

Back to reality

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Spicy

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 019

You deserved it 28 333

By sushichick - 12/12/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, my friend was complaining to me about her problems. I tried to be a good, understanding friend, listening and giving advice. When it was my turn to vent, she interrupted me, saying, "Sorry, but I don't really care." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 425

You deserved it 2 666

sushichick tells us more.

sushichick 17

Thursday 13 December 2012 8:08

Hey everyone, OP here! :) I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments, they were super helpful and many were also quite funny. My "friend" is now my ex-friend and it's the best decision I could've made because she clearly was never a friend to begin with. Thanks again, everyone! Cheers!

By Perdedor - 07/01/2009 21:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me in to tell me I had got a raise. I bought a $1500 Chanel bag. Two hours later he called me in to tell me he was kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 919

You deserved it 45 036

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Spicy

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 607

You deserved it 12 456

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got a call from the bank, telling me my mom's company is going broke. She's been on holiday for a month, and I had been appointed to manage it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 207

Today, I waited over an hour for my bus. As I finally saw it approaching, I reached into my purse to grab my ticket. The lady next to me then gave the driver a hand signal to keep driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 470

You deserved it 3 047

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 919

You deserved it 200

Today, I have found the Holy Grail of fast food ordering. You will never be disappointed: when they say, “May I take your order?” Say, “Yes surprise me, and please charge me for something that will never make it to the bag.” Your order will always be perfect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 301

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 583

You deserved it 4 115

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 747

You deserved it 2 231