The Top

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It's lit.

By Amy - 13/01/2018 01:30 - Hong Kong

Today, I went to a corporate event and lit my hair on fire in front of everyone due to an unfortunately-placed candle on the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 291

You deserved it 520

By Anonymous - 03/07/2016 23:22

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 198

You deserved it 3 981

I will always be in her thought

By Anonymous - 17/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 321

You deserved it 234

Crackers

By buryuntime - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paperwork. Later, she asked me, "What does caucasian mean?" I replied, "Why?" Apparently she didn't recognize the word, so she checked "Other" and wrote in "White". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 976

You deserved it 5 580

By PokeWife - 06/02/2013 13:38 - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon…" and ended the same conversation with "…and that's why we should divorce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 330

You deserved it 4 532

Knowledge is power

By andy - 28/01/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 398

You deserved it 2 852

By Grrrr! - 23/04/2011 14:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 052

You deserved it 10 956

Kick the tragedy

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 18:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend is pushing for sex even though I’ve just had spinal surgery, his reasoning being I only have to lie there, so it’s not like he’s asking me to move or actively participate. He basically wants me to ignore my pain and become a masturbation toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 760

You deserved it 176

Don't let the bastards grind you down

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 00:01 - United States

Today, I heard a radio ad for the new anti-bullying efforts at a local middle school. The speaker in the ad was the school counselor… who was also my bully in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 198

By amythest - 13/02/2012 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 919

You deserved it 3 156

By Anonymous - 09/01/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Spicy

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 149

You deserved it 7 783

By Drewbie - 13/01/2013 08:53 - United States - Park City

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 833

You deserved it 8 820

Stuck in the middle with you

By Carrie - 28/03/2020 02:00

Today, I had to beg and argue with my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This has become a recurring argument now we're confined together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 667

You deserved it 288

Jackson Galaxy wanabee

By oh.geez - 05/02/2012 08:00 - United States

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 191

You deserved it 4 900

By Noname - 16/02/2009 00:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 069

You deserved it 10 617

We could be heroes

By OhPleaseNo - 07/04/2020 14:00 - OhPleaseNo

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 210

Time for the ER

By littl3storm - 24/04/2020 23:00

Today, my brace broke and due to Covid-19, I can't get it fixed for another month and a half. Four brackets have come off, the wire is sinking into my gum, giving me tooth and jaw pain. I can't eat and I'm spending excessive amounts of money on pain relief. The cause of all this? A cheese pasty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 837

You deserved it 282

By Mr. Sensitive Nips - 17/03/2011 22:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 622

You deserved it 9 414

By SleepyMommy - 08/05/2016 17:05 - United States - Pomona

Today, my husband was going to let me sleep in for Mother's Day. That would have been great, if my brother didn't call me at 5:30 in the morning to say Happy Mother's Day. Now I'm up like any other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 444

You deserved it 1 077

By arianelagolden - 05/05/2016 18:07 - Belgium - Nivelles

Today, my 4 year-old grand-daughter let her pet rabbit loose in the yard, while my 2 year-old grandson was trying to climb on a chair, then a table. I had to choose between catching the rabbit before it ran under the fence, or saving my grandson from falling on the concrete terrace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 374

You deserved it 1 331

arianelagolden tells us more.

arianelagolden 8

Friday 6 May 2016 17:42

All is well that ends well. Of course I chose to save the kid! Seriously! First I got my grand-son off the table, then I caught the rabbit on time, then I told the kids they could not do what they had done. When the parents returned, they told me this happens all the time. As there is a huge dog in the neighbours' yard, I don't think the rabbit will last long if they are not more careful.

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, working from home due to the quarantine, things were going slow so I typed "Lola Fox BBC DP porn" into my team chat, thinking I was typing it into my browser. My supervisor took it down as soon as it happened, but people definitely saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 3 406

By Anonymous - 25/04/2016 20:37 - Canada - Montréal

Today, I crawled under a table to plug in a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug in a f***ing lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 199

You deserved it 4 698

Power moves

By Travis - 10/09/2021 22:59

Spicy

Today, my wife told me that I take her breath away. However, she was talking about my large stomach hitting her while we have sex and knocking the wind out of her with every thrust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 1 237

Traumatic, but funny

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 392

You deserved it 7 845

By Ugly_Broke_Medussssssa - 16/08/2018 01:30

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 811

You deserved it 235

Weird kid

By LGraham - 16/06/2020 20:08

Today, my nephew kicked me in the balls, again! And he got me fair and square this time. It's the fourth time he's got me in the balls since the pandemic started. I have to put my groin guard from college on and teach him a lesson because he won't listen and he's 12, so he knows what he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 337

By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Spicy

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 973

You deserved it 4 052

Dietitian is the recognized title

By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/06/2020 02:02

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 070

You deserved it 182

By MSguy - 27/08/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 766

You deserved it 145

By besviken - 18/11/2012 22:53 - Sweden - Uppsala

Spicy

Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 510

You deserved it 6 340

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Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I had some girlfriends over, while my parents were having a party at our house. My drunken dad decided to come down to the basement and show us all his third nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 962

You deserved it 3 082

Today, I was hanging with my boyfriend. When his mom came to pick him up, he introduced me. She talked to me politely and I thought we hit it off very well. As I was walking away, I heard her say, "That's your new girlfriend? Honey, you could do so much better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 227

You deserved it 4 496

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 535

You deserved it 6 950

Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 552

You deserved it 202

Today, the guy I have been seeing for 3 months said, "Sorry this isn’t going anywhere, but I want to stay friends because I wanna come back and hang out with your parents." He literally only stayed with me because I live on a farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 649

You deserved it 184

Today, I took my cat to the vet for a routine check-up. The vet asked if my cat was stressed at all, so I confidently replied, "No, he's a pretty chill little dude." That's when my cat decided to hiss and spit his way to the top of the shelves on the other side of the examination room. He's not as chill as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 162