The Top

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Mouth malfunction

By Melanie - 08/02/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, I locked eyes with a cute barista and tried to flirt by giving a charming smile. I forgot I had just taken a sip of hot chocolate, so I ended up drooling a long stream of chocolate down my chin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 547

By Anonymous - 31/10/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 046

You deserved it 6 546

Kinky

By Keesha - 19/03/2021 00:30 - United States - Loveland

Today, my mother bitched at me for spending $200 on a new clothes I needed for my new job as a bank teller. I then received a notification on my phone that my mother's lingerie order was shipped. She spent $800 on teddies and crotchless panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 92

Controlling

By Future kept man, going cheap FML - 09/06/2022 04:00

Today, my mom was helping me plan for going to college. After 30 minutes of me getting more upset, and her getting more frustrated, she directed me to Tinder, a wedding venue website, and the local address for Planned Parenthood. Her actual words were, "There's no shame in being a stay at home dad these days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 190

Wake me up before you go go

By Sam - 13/02/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, I took a nap while I was on my lunch break. When I woke up, I realized my coworker had put a Post-it note on my face that said, "Wake me up before I start drooling." I'd definitely drooled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 270

Bunch of bankers

By WTF - 30/10/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, my bank overdrafted my account to pay a bill that isn't due until next month. When I called them, they said they would fix the mistake, but I have to restore the account to zero before they'll give me my money back. So, I have to pay for my own money with the money they won't give me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 457

You deserved it 2 252

Menace II Society

By can’t buy her love - 23/03/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 179

The odd couple

By Anonymous - 12/06/2022 04:00

Today, my girlfriend, for our first time having sex, wanted to do stepbrother roleplay. Not only is that odd for our first time, it’s a weird fetish to have, especially when she actually does have a stepbrother. We ended up not finishing having sex, it was too weird for me FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 034

You deserved it 290

By BelleCharmante - 14/07/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 264

You deserved it 2 342

It's alive!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 888

You deserved it 4 414

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 05:42 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a girl I've been talking to on the internet for a year and a half. Turns out she edits her moustache out of all her photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 345

You deserved it 35 396

By grem - 13/04/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 698

You deserved it 69 559

No thanks

By Anonymous - 28/03/2021 14:01

Today, it's been since 2014 that I've been looking for a girlfriend, and the average response I've gotten was no. Today I got, "Ew, hell no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 188

By sad guy - 26/04/2013 05:20 - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 369

You deserved it 3 122

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 03:14 - United States

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 814

You deserved it 3 071

That one friend

By LeftOut - 13/04/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I saw my friends talking about plans for later during lunch. I walked over and asked for the plan. My best friend of 12 years gently took me aside, and said "You know that person in each group of friends that is only around to be made fun of? That's you." I just got dumped by my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 127

You deserved it 4 899

Living the meme

By OliviaOlive - 24/02/2025 15:00 - United States - Boston

Today, I was giving a speech at a conference when halfway through I got a sudden case of hiccups. For the next 5 minutes I tried to finish my presentation while hiccuping uncontrollably. The audience found it hilarious and started cheering each time I hiccuped. I’m convinced no one could tell me what the speech was actually about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416

You deserved it 91

By aliqi - 12/05/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 336

You deserved it 3 429

By supergingerr11 - 09/07/2011 05:55 - United States

Today, I was supposed to have a double date. My date didn't show. I spent my day in the living room waiting for the pizza guy while my best friend and her boyfriend made out. The pizza guy never showed either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 589

You deserved it 3 072

Parasite

By Anonymous - 13/09/2023 04:00

Today, and since we've had our baby, my mother-in-law started coming round more often, then bringing her stuff to stay overnight, then started claiming she lived here, and got hysterical when we told her she doesn’t. I had to pick her up and place her outside while she punched me in the head repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 110

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 16:06 - United States

Today, I removed the side rails from my truck because I didn't think I really needed them. An hour later, I went to Wal-Mart, forgot they were gone, and busted my ass in public while getting out of my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 928

You deserved it 44 340

Baited

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 377

You deserved it 2 581

Matching

By Clunker - 24/10/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 978

You deserved it 3 982

Healthcare for all, now

By Anonymous - 27/05/2022 02:00

Today, I had a procedure that should have been covered by my health insurance, but while I was there, I asked the doc to sign a prescription for an unrelated thing. This apparently turned the insured procedure into a consultation, so they charged me full price for the procedure, over $15,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 218

By thepigeonsfriend - 07/05/2012 14:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a can and it hit a man's shoe. He tried to kick it at me but his foot somehow failed to connect with the can. I could hear it rattling behind me as he failed again and again. So he decided to run up behind me and throw it at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 033

You deserved it 5 951

By notlaughing - 18/04/2013 13:57 - United States - College Park

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 144

You deserved it 7 303

By catherineratley - 06/05/2012 04:09 - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 453

You deserved it 2 984

By chevygirl51 - 28/05/2014 21:12 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 931

You deserved it 18 112

Alexa, play "A Certain Someone" by The Sundays

By Anonymous - 22/09/2023 00:02 - Brazil - Lajeado

Today, I posted a story on Instagram just so a certain someone who has been ghosting me could reply. He didn't. He never even opened my Instagram story. I should give up by now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 1 183

Non-subsidized

By Anonymous - 03/06/2022 16:00

Today, I tested positive for COVID. This wouldn’t be a big deal, except my entire family has now fallen like a stack of dominos, and despite being asymptomatic, I now have to quarantine. My work stopped doing COVID leave in November. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 150

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The Top

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 537

You deserved it 1 781

Today, my mother accused me of "cooking cocaine", after she found a slightly discoloured spoon in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 280

You deserved it 1 731

Today, I tried to politely explain to my mother that I'm allergic to her laundry soap. She just called me crazy. I have been scratching for three days straight and my skin is almost all red. She refuses to buy anything else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 650

You deserved it 4 052

Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 656

You deserved it 52 393

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills. She said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 374

You deserved it 4 594

Today, I received a text breakup from my boyfriend while we were sitting right next to each other on the couch. He said, “This isn’t working,” and I had to ask, “Is this a joke? You’re literally here.” His phone was on silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 100