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By holywowz - 17/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 186

You deserved it 374

Smart kid

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my neighbor pointed at me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 711

You deserved it 8 387

By AkaiKitsune - 12/08/2017 11:00 - Canada - Victoria

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 990

You deserved it 264

By sadCowboysfan - 15/09/2017 05:05 - Canada - Ajax

Today, after working out at the gym, I accidentally left my towel in my locker. Since it was early, I didn't mind walking to the showers naked. After showering, I couldn't get my lock to open, leaving me stuck trying to open the locker totally naked, as the locker room filled up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 051

You deserved it 3 354

sadCowboysfan tells us more.

sadCowboysfan 20

Sunday 10 September 2017 18:35

Hi op here, just to let you know how it worked out, it took me about half an hour to open it up after the lock got stuck. For the most part, nobody bothered me except for a few guys who made a point of talking about me being circumcised (unusual in Canada). Eventually, a friend of mine let me borrow some shorts so I could get someone to cut my lock off. I went and bought a key lock right after.

By ScarletSpirit - 10/08/2016 10:10

Today, I was flirting with a really cute girl and we ran out of things to say, I got so nervous with the silence that I asked her if she had hiccuped lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 971

You deserved it 4 484

ScarletSpirit tells us more.

ScarletSpirit 15

Thursday 11 August 2016 13:53

Hi there, OP here. We talk frequently on social media now and we still flirt a lot, now "have you hiccuped lately?" is our opening question to each other :)

A job well done.

By belly the jelly - 30/10/2017 21:00

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 593

You deserved it 701

By Seeyounarabish - 11/07/2016 03:06 - United States - Pearland

Today, my sister pointed out a weird black mass underneath the lace of my dress. Perplexed, I looked down to inspect further and discover a wasp, under my boobs, attempting to build a nest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 063

You deserved it 1 296

Seeyounarabish tells us more.

Seeyounarabish 21

Monday 11 July 2016 20:15

Hi OP here! I was talking with my mom and sister when the wasp somehow made it's way underneath the top part of my dress. I'm not sure how to visualize this for you guys but the top part of the dress has lace that's separate from the rest of the body so it's a bit difficult to notice if a wasp flies into that part because there's a slight gap between the regular fabric and the actual lace. Also because wasps have feet as light as ninjas. I do my laundry regularly, I just thought that the wasp mistook that part of my dress as the perfect place to start building its nest. Or maybe the wind accidentally directed it there? I'm not entirely sure. Anyways, I enjoyed reading everyone's comments and I hope that answers most of y'alls questions! Fortunately, I was lucky enough that the wasp was too confused to sting me! :)

By Elevated fear - 24/12/2017 19:00

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 288

You deserved it 572

By j. farmer-smith - 09/02/2018 23:00 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 140

You deserved it 3 375

By sis - 19/02/2018 16:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 069

You deserved it 304

Hot hot hot

By Oops - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 950

You deserved it 2 020

By Dipping Tired - 20/04/2016 23:17 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, while half asleep, I dipped my finger in ketchup instead of a fry, and bit down on it so hard I needed stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 766

You deserved it 7 210

By mel - 25/03/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 413

You deserved it 5 265

By Anaconda - 07/03/2017 14:00

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "Just meat and cheese." When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 510

You deserved it 1 947

By Scarlett_Pixie - 24/12/2016 09:46 - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 550

You deserved it 1 083

By Anonymous - 12/06/2017 10:41

Today, after going to the doctor with a knee strain and getting a brace, I managed to kick the coffee table so hard I broke two toes... on my other foot. To top it all off, my husband keeps laughing and imitating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 763

You deserved it 855

Noxian tells us more.

Noxian 5

Saturday 10 June 2017 20:42

OP here, toes are doing better! Knee is still in a brace... husband escaped death. He's lucky I love him so much! ?

By amore89 - 28/07/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 245

Listen up

By disturbedgd - 14/09/2016 11:29 - South Africa

Today, after years of listening to my coworker complaining about everything in her life, including her job, I finally stood up to her and bitched at her for complaining and not doing anything about it. She went to my boss, and now it's in my job description to listen to her when she complains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 065

You deserved it 1 910

By butnotlikethat - 16/03/2013 00:05 - China - Nanchang

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste". Gag me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 021

You deserved it 6 245

Sexy moves

By what sex life? - 02/08/2016 06:26 - United States - Nashville

Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 316

You deserved it 2 910

By Anonymous - 11/01/2018 19:00

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 957

You deserved it 682

By PrincessCrippled - 18/05/2018 15:00

Today, a close friend tried to kill me by running me over with her car. Why? Because I didn't want to share the pain meds I had due to a third-degree burn. My leg is now broken in 3 places, my ankle is shattered, and I have to use a walker because I'm too clumsy for crutches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 145

You deserved it 325

By Anonymous - 26/03/2016 17:13 - United States - Antioch

Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 262

You deserved it 2 344

By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 543

You deserved it 366

By sabotaged - 02/11/2015 00:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, I got fired from my dream job. I found out today that the girl who trained me lied and taught me how to do things wrong, so that when she got back from maternity leave, she could get me fired and take her job back. My new coworkers were in on her plan from the beginning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 900

You deserved it 1 592

Huge fan

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair in a way that it looks like Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 911

You deserved it 10 450

Yeet it

By Sasquatch - 02/11/2017 22:14

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 811

You deserved it 1 283

By HolyyMolyy - 19/07/2016 14:32 - India - Indore

Today, I bleached my upper lip hair so it wouldn't be visible anymore. At school, for the first time, the guy I like came over to talk to me after class. Just as I thought he was about to ask me out, he told me how weird my "gold moustache" looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 267

You deserved it 2 637

HolyyMolyy tells us more.

HolyyMolyy 13

Wednesday 20 July 2016 21:14

Except for a few sagacious and understanding people here, I'm surprised to see how benighted some folks are. Saying "I'm gonna assume you're dark because you're Indian" is like saying "I'm gonna assume you're fat because you're American." No we aren't all dark, some of us have extremely light skin tone and brown hair. Secondly, some of the airheads here can't seem to accept the fact that all women have body hair and a peach fuzz above your lips isn't a big deal. How would you have felt if we shamed you for having a hairy stomach or a hairy back and asked you to wax them regularly? If you can't accept us women as we are, don't expect us to accept you in your natural form as well.