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By BusinessTurtle - 06/10/2012 07:49 - United States - Ames

Today, I came home from a three day vacation to find my psycho ex-girlfriend in my house. Even though I broke up with her six months ago, she hasn't broken up with me. It's alright though, she says she's going to forgive me and she already moved her stuff in when I was out of town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 772

You deserved it 2 466

BusinessTurtle tells us more.

BusinessTurtle 8

Saturday 6 October 2012 20:10

OP here, I've changed my locks and moved across town and I really don't want to hire a lawyer.

By Anonymous - 03/07/2013 17:35 - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 668

You deserved it 5 989

By sickened - 21/09/2014 18:23 - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 855

You deserved it 8 340

By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 06:01 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 035

You deserved it 5 195

Perfect date

By maebyf - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 338

You deserved it 8 475

By littleman - 06/04/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 481

You deserved it 2 991

By desperate - 26/09/2009 14:15 - Denmark

Today, while at a club, I walked up to a cutie who had been eyeing me all night. I asked him "Is that a phone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?". He simply replied "It's a phone" before walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 055

You deserved it 52 250

By ScaryBears - 09/10/2012 01:51 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 171

You deserved it 32 776

Superfuzz Big Muff

By miiiiilk - 05/12/2010 11:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 682

You deserved it 9 543

By Ladycakes - 04/06/2012 10:13 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while in bed, I tried to explain how overworked and unappreciated I feel doing all the housework to my fiancé. It was only when I'd finished my long rant that I realized he had been asleep almost the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 867

You deserved it 6 939

By tay - 10/04/2012 11:13 - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 657

You deserved it 3 606

By Alpheas - 30/05/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, a four pound can of tuna fell on my head at work, and it burst all over my clothes. Since I'm the manager, I had to stay all day reeking of tuna. Now I'm home, my damn cat won't leave me alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 658

You deserved it 4 443

By oww - 09/03/2010 11:14 - United States

Today, I learned not to jump off a stage if nobody is going to catch you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 244

You deserved it 38 314

By Will - 21/02/2010 05:05 - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 221

You deserved it 2 770

By Heather - 12/11/2012 21:20 - United States - Bethesda

Spicy

Today, I realized that the bird I supposedly heard during the night throughout my childhood is actually the sound my mom makes when she comes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 244

You deserved it 3 244

By um - 08/02/2011 00:54

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 565

You deserved it 8 013

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 896

You deserved it 5 662

By Anonymous - 24/07/2013 07:33 - United States - Alpine

Spicy

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 278

You deserved it 4 369

Worst enemy

By vitalcheese - 20/05/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner… Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 198

You deserved it 8 236

By cantfallbackasleep - 22/10/2015 14:05 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 796

You deserved it 5 382

Tricked

By Sniffles - 26/04/2014 12:28 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend four months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 590

You deserved it 30 450

Dick joke

By awilson - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 352

You deserved it 17 026

By jseid2 - 15/01/2014 05:54 - United States - San Leandro

Spicy

Today, my students unanimously agreed, in front of me, that the only reason they take my course is to look at my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 952

You deserved it 15 462

By Anonymous - 05/05/2015 15:31 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 534

You deserved it 3 736

FOCUS!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, we got a new seating arrangement in my science class. I'm now sitting between two people who have spent the last 20 minutes whispering dirty things to one another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 573

You deserved it 2 716

By fnfantastic - 04/11/2012 16:37 - United States - Warsaw

Today, I woke up with a vague memory of buying something last night while drunk. According to my credit card summary I made a $270 purchase from a home shopping channel. I guess in 5-7 days I'll find out what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 366

You deserved it 30 281

By Anonymous - 06/07/2009 01:49 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to Taco Bell since it's her favorite place to eat. I thought it'd be cute to get one of the sauce packets that says "Will you marry me?" on it and give it to her all cute-like. She thought it was adorable. While we were leaving, she threw it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 010

You deserved it 25 947

By Amsterdamned13 - 13/09/2013 19:02 - Netherlands - Leiderdorp

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend and mother have been sending each other sexually-explicit picture messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 658

You deserved it 3 628

Amsterdamned13 tells us more.

Amsterdamned13 8

Saturday 14 September 2013 16:20

To everyone: she told me in a funny way after seeing the phone. He is an EX now, and for now most deff no contact with her. Thanks for kind and also unkind words. Gr from Amsterdam

By princesspuffypan - 05/10/2011 06:23 - South Africa

Today, I was supposed to get married but we had to postpone as the best man fled the country. With the marriage certificate and vendor money. Not to mention the rings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 534

You deserved it 3 456

princesspuffypan tells us more.

princesspuffypan 10

Wednesday 8 August 2012 22:00

This is my FML... yes I am married now and no the cops didn't catch him. The reason he was best man in the first place was due to family politics. We managed to have a small wedding shortly after but we still had to pay cost of cancellation.

By Anonymous - 04/05/2009 12:37 - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 032

You deserved it 28 876

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Today, one of my friends posted on Facebook saying if you're held up at an ATM, putting your PIN in backwards will alert the cops. I pointed out it's an urban legend, and asked how it'd work if their PIN was the same backwards. He drove over and beat the crap out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 904

You deserved it 6 072

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 819

You deserved it 3 622

Today, I shaved my pubic area for my fiancé. He told me it looked "like Frodo tried to hack off Gandalf's beard with Gimli's ax." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 436

You deserved it 12 051

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 955

You deserved it 7 898

Today, my now ex-girlfriend broke up with me by simply "ghosting" me. We're both in our late thirties. I thought she was more grown up than this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 080

You deserved it 125

Today, my mother brought my sex life in front of an entire family gathering. I lost my virginity at 17 and when she found out she called me a whore. This time, she told the family I'd slept with 100 men by the time I was 18. I’m 40 and my body count is 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 255