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Hey everyone, I see a lot of people in favor of the "close it outright" option, but of course I forgot to mention that in order to do so, we both have to go in and agree to close it. The only reason didn't do that ages ago is because I haven't come up with a way to convince her it's for the best, and since I DO plan to commit to her, I don't want to upset her.

By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I found out my grandpa died. As I rushed home crying to comfort my parents, I got pulled over for speeding. The officer told me to cut out the "fake" tears". When I told him my grandpa just died he tacked on another $100 for lying to an officer. Worst. Christmas. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 363

You deserved it 3 524

By Dejected - 07/12/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I finally got a hold of my husband, who I haven't actually talked to in two and a half weeks, since he's deployed and it's hard to chat. He told me he couldn't talk because he was in an epic battle. In Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 207

You deserved it 4 733

By Nofriends - 09/07/2012 11:44 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 439

You deserved it 25 167

By Diffy - 26/04/2012 11:49 - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 360

You deserved it 2 186

Generation III

By Brock - 02/02/2013 21:20 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 779

You deserved it 39 285

Triple A

By chi_chia - 24/03/2011 15:03 - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 928

You deserved it 4 945

Master prankers

By bear92 - 19/06/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran-wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard the doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They'd saran-wrapped my car again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 565

You deserved it 5 915

Strapped for cash

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year-old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 303

You deserved it 5 582

The secret

By vickyxanne - 13/06/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 896

You deserved it 4 801

By Anonymous - 20/07/2013 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a man stopped me on the street. He said the stretch marks on my thighs looked like cuts, and asked me if I self-harmed. Before I was able to politely respond "No", he said, "I mean, I can see why you would." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 605

You deserved it 3 981

By spanishteach - 07/05/2009 14:50 - United States

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 281

You deserved it 13 694

By killer - 17/07/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I was outside when a mouse ran toward my feet. There was a wall behind me, so I tried to jump over him. He changed course, and I landed on him. It crunched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 850

You deserved it 8 122

By ILTali - 03/03/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 121 851

You deserved it 8 194

By Screwed - 07/08/2009 23:35 - Canada

Today, I decided to surprise my husband by bringing home a case of beer and renting us a porno. He decided to surprise me by telling me he was leaving me for his pregnant girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 241

You deserved it 4 350

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 10:48 - Canada

Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 617

You deserved it 71 930

By IronSkye - 29/08/2013 10:55 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my little sister opened a lemonade stand in front of our house. Surprisingly, she actually had a lot of customers, all kids. Two hours or so later, some parents came back complaining and threatening to sue my family. Turns out that what we thought was lemonade was actually beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 556

You deserved it 6 934

IronSkye tells us more.

IronSkye 7

Thursday 29 August 2013 18:54

Okay, I'm glad this FML got published. Thanks, guys! However, looks like I have some questions to answer. Firstly, my sister is almost eleven. The day before, we went shopping, and dad bought foir bottles of beer for a game he was going to watch in two days with his friends. My sister took the bottles and put the beer in cups, it totally looked like lemonade. She even put some lemons next to them! Yes, it was light beer, fortunately. But still alcohol. The kids told their mums the juice tasted funny, so they took a sip and figured out what it actually was. In the end, my sister's excuse was that she knew lemonade wouldn't have been successful anyway.

By feartheend511 - 19/08/2010 15:48 - United States

Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 188

You deserved it 3 661