The Top

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Exercise One

By blah - 02/06/2020 23:00

Today, while cuddling with my boyfriend, he started humping my leg and said, "I'm gonna hump the fatness out of you and make you beautiful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 362

You deserved it 451

Eat those feelings away

By Aubrey - 09/12/2022 15:00

Today, I ripped my second pair of jeans within a month. I know I have gained weight… or I can see the gain of fat cells. I'm desperate for change, but I have no clue what to do! I’ve tried it all! I'm a teacher and I can't afford a personal trainer. Believe me, I went through all the embarrassment of opening up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 334

Specially for dad

By anonymous - 01/02/2020 20:00 - United States - Shawnee

Today, my daughter ran up to me and gave me a cup. She said it was lemonade that she made with her friend. When I took a sip, she giggled and ran back to her room. It was not lemonade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 161

You deserved it 397

By thanks google - 04/09/2018 23:30 - United States - Naperville

Today, while I was driving, Google said it found a faster route to save me 15 minutes. I hit accept, only be directed into a gridlock on the interstate, adding an hour to my drive time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 696

You deserved it 451

To the window, to the wall

By Kim - 17/07/2020 23:01

Today, I saw my boyfriend using a washcloth to clean his cock and sweaty balls. He told me he's been doing this for quite some time now. Guess who's been using the same washcloth to clean her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 598

You deserved it 437

Nice victim blaming!

By fuckyoutoothen! - 22/07/2020 08:02

Today, I showed my friend all the dirty messages and dick pics her boyfriend had sent me. I included the ones of me telling him to stop. Instead of being mad at him, she flipped out on me, saying it’s my fault because I “dress too sexy” and he shouldn’t even have my number. He got it from her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 778

You deserved it 221

By Nearly blind - 07/10/2018 17:30

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 947

You deserved it 627

Superficial chud

By Saggy - 20/03/2023 04:00

Today, I was ready to get intimate with my husband 7 months after giving birth to our son. He always made excuses as to why he couldn’t. Our marriage was on the rocks because of this, so when I sat him down to talk he admitted that to save this marriage I need to get a “tummy tuck” and a “breast lift.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 160

You deserved it 263

TMI, dude

By Anonymous - 23/11/2018 22:00 - United States - Cranford

Today, my brother met my girlfriend for the first time. Instead of making a good first impression, the first thing he did was talk about how he just took a massive dump and didn't wipe very well, and that's why his hand smelled bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 317

You deserved it 257

By Anonymous - 17/01/2017 14:06

Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 768

You deserved it 1 658

He had to find out eventually!

By Telley21 - 16/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Rexburg

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 243

You deserved it 534

For nice coworkers only

By squizzlebee - 24/02/2017 04:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 593

You deserved it 766

By Anonymous - 26/02/2017 03:45 - Canada

Today, I had to explain to a customer that she couldn't use the bathroom while going through the drive-thru. I still don't understand what exactly she had in mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 837

You deserved it 441

By needlessly hungry - 10/03/2019 20:00

Today, when I tried to give blood, I was turned down before I even made it through the information packet. Why? Because I had thought I was supposed to fast for 24 hours beforehand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 3 543

Man's best friend

By just being honest - 20/05/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend is refusing to do anything around the house for me, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, or having sex. When I saw her cooking, I asked if any was for me. She instead replied, “Have the dog do it for you.” All this after I told her honestly that yes, my dog does mean more to me than she does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 315

You deserved it 2 973

Customers from hell

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my boss told me to check out the situation in the restroom. Someone had crapped themselves, rolled their underwear into a ball, and had the audacity to write that they were sorry in sharpie on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 280

You deserved it 379

By Electric Eddy - 22/05/2017 00:00

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 271

You deserved it 382

By cacheson - 19/08/2017 20:00

Today, after being single for a year, I finally have a boyfriend. Today, my chronic nightmares also started up again after being gone for a year. Apparently I'm allowed to have either a love life, or sleep. Not both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 138

You deserved it 367

Opposites attract

By forest killer girl - 14/09/2017 16:00

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 262

You deserved it 634

Protip

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 18:03

Today, my endometriosis has reached stage 4 and has spread to many organs, including my colon. My constipation got so bad that my Apple Watch told me it was time to stand up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 113

Smoke signals

By rejected - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend, who's on vacation halfway across the world, but he didn't respond. I mentioned it to my younger sister who said, "It probably just takes a while for the text to get all the way there." My mom piped up, "Don't be dumb sweetie, he's just ignoring her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 969

You deserved it 384

Ruining the moment

By Anali - 28/05/2021 04:01

Today, I saw the girl my ex cheated on me with had her baby. I wrote a comment on her photo about how the baby was a product of her affair with my ex. She disabled her comments and I kept getting DM’s about how I should, "stop being so negative." Apparently infidelity is not frowned upon these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 1 848

In the mood

By Anonymous - 16/10/2019 02:00

Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuckbuddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 334

You deserved it 218

Creepy

By dogless - 15/10/2019 06:00

Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 138

You deserved it 123

Geyser

By gingerbread - 18/12/2017 15:00 - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 008

You deserved it 3 761

Hatchet job

By Anonymous - 24/01/2018 01:30

Today, I got my hair trimmed to look fresh for my sister's wedding this week. The woman messed up so badly that the manager had to step in and fix it. I lost 8 inches of hair and my dad keeps telling me I look like a medieval stable boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 233

You deserved it 371

Yeet the kid

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 16:01

Today, my son no longer tries to sneak in and out of the house at inappropriate times. Now, he just brazenly walks out, ignoring me when I ask where he’s going, then walks back in at like 4 in the morning, and again ignores me because he’s still on his phone to someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 1 079

By Anonymous - 09/03/2018 15:00 - Denmark

Today, I got a letter from the police, stating that I must either pay a fine or go to court. Turns out my creepy stalker stole not only my underwear, jewelry, and pictures, but also my mail, including a ticket I had gotten for reporting my new address too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 467

You deserved it 249

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Lennie Mcfish - 09/04/2020 14:00

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while drunk, but since she was under the influence, I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 892

You deserved it 466

Belief it or not

By Anonymous - 20/02/2024 00:00

Today, every boyfriend I’ve ever had dumped me because they realised I was serious about saving myself until marriage. I’m now in my late 30s, single, and childless. My sister, whose knickers were up and down like a yo-yo in high school, is happily married with 3 great kids. Religion is for idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 1 304

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The Top

Today, I almost got fired for not following my boss on Twitter and Instagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 939

You deserved it 1 195

Today, I got asked to a BBQ by new friend. I walked in, and to my horror she's a hoarder. The house was packed wall to wall and everything was covered in thick layers of dust and dog hair. Her dogs were filthy and untrained. They snatched food off the counters while she laughed and kept cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 99

Today, as I was sleeping, I found a snail in my bed, yet I was dreaming so I thought it was a dream, but it felt real. I jumped out of the bed and I couldn't believe it. I wonder how it got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 114

Today, my boss took back the raise he promised me, because I'm “not as resilient as I made him believe.” Well yes, I had the audacity to get sick at an inconvenient time for the company, and I am hardly able to leave my bed, let alone work. Which is apparently due to a “lack of positive mindset.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 197

You deserved it 118

Today, I thought I saw my ex in a crowded café, so I ducked behind a counter to avoid them. It turns out that I was hiding from a random stranger, while the barista thought I was trying to steal muffins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 125

You deserved it 550

Today, I went to my local pub for a drink. There was a giant sign that read, “Welcome to Luke’s celebration of life.” My name is Luke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 111