unlucky - 01/05/2017 16:17 Today I was substitute teaching for a high school class writing notes on the board when multiple students started throwing chalk at me. FML 80 3
Today, in an effort to save money, I dyed my hair at home. I used the wrong shade, or brand, or maybe I shouldn’t have bought a cheap one, but now I look like a mutant traffic cone. My boss asked if I was “expressing myself” or “just having a midlife crisis.” I can’t afford to fix it, so I’m stuck like this for weeks. FML 224 471
Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML 40 000 2 873
Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML 53 696 6 157
Today, at a family dinner, my grandma asked me why I’m still single. Before I could answer, my dad, always ready with dad joke, quipped, "Because everyone he tries to date runs away faster than he can catch them." My family laughed, and my grandma just nodded and said, "Makes sense." FML 395 97
Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets, and lost my job. FML 35 905 4 135
Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said, "Hey, I love your jacket, where'd you get that?" I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere." FML 21 543 61 617