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Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML