Your everyday life stories

familyhatesme - 18/07/2014 16:30 - United States - Kingston

Today, I was at my grandma's funeral. While giving the eulogy, I accidentally mixed up "You will be missed" and "You won't be forgotten" and instead said "You won't be missed." FML

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midnightsun1143 - 24/11/2013 08:32 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, I realized my wedding ring had fallen off while doing yard work the previous day. Luckily, I only worked in a few areas, so I had high hopes of finding it. That is until a storm came through, blew half a foot of leaves all over the property, and then froze them with sleet. FML

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youdon'tknowme

youdon'tknowme 9

Monday 25 November 2013 21:30

OP here! The ring had always been so tight that I couldn't get it off, but I guess loosing baby weight combined with the cold weather, my finger shrunk enough. I agree with commenters... I found it extremely odd that I didn't notice... Maybe a case of missing limb syndrome but with a ring? Anyhow, after spending a morning raking the leaves in freezing rain, I FOUND IT! An FML win! (Oh, and #55 sleet does freeze leaves when you live in Texas and the ground is warm enough to melt the sleet but the wind cold enough to re-freeze it. But we can compromise and say we are both right because it has been alternating between freezing rain and sleet for a little while now). WIN!

People of Walmart

drano - - United States

Today, at work as a cashier, a guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said, "Oh shit, I forgot my wallet!" and walked off. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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Alex - 07/10/2010 10:10 - United States

Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML

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Run run run!

Anonymous - 25/07/2013 20:33 - United States - Roseburg

Today, I went camping with my family. While I was using the shower house, my sister decided it'd be hilarious to run off with my clothes and towel. I ran back to the camper, completely naked, only for my parents to bitch me out for streaking. FML

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soembarrassed - 02/08/2009 13:40 - Australia

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

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MJjunior - 31/08/2011 16:04 - Australia

Today, I started my first day working at a toddler day care center. At one point I decided to play "got your nose" with one of the kids. It turns out this kid has a physical birth abnormality on his face. I got his nose... his prosthetic nose. FML

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Who? Where? Why? What?

up to no-good... - 22/08/2014 04:09 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my parents accused me of being secretive. I have no idea what they're talking about; all I do is work, go to school, sleep, and eat. Now I'm grounded until I tell them what's going on. I have crazy parents, that's what's going on. FML

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Anonymous - 09/08/2013 23:29 - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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Chunks

Anonymous - 08/05/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

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Slam dunk

Anonymous - 18/01/2014 19:49 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

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Anonymous - 17/08/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, after running late for work, my boss called me into his office and asked me why I was wearing a uniform shirt that said Amanda. My name is Rob. Amanda is my fiancé, who works for the same organization at a different location. Employees are prohibited from dating each other. FML

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SoonFired

SoonFired 0

Monday 17 August 2009 20:36

Wow, my first FML post. It's actually a government organization, dating is prohibited because of "Conflict of Interest." We are close to the same size physically. We both wear the middle of road medium size. In all reality, its our last names on the shirt, but it still sucks.

Help yourself

IGOTIT - 05/09/2013 07:24 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying, "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card." FML

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Foreveralone17362562 - 16/04/2014 02:18 - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I was telling my dad about how annoying it was to constantly have my ten-year-old cousin message me about her new boyfriend, when he suddenly bursts out laughing about how she can get a boyfriend at ten, and I have never even kissed a guy and I'm seventeen. FML

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SHIT-BREATH - 05/06/2013 16:03 - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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Anonymous - 03/02/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

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Anonymous - 18/10/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML

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Yummy

Anonymous - 15/04/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: Golden Retrievers running through a field, then eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commercial. FML

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Declined

BrewPack - 14/07/2014 02:22 - United States - Slinger

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

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future walmart employee - 21/05/2013 04:10 - United States - Clarendon Hills

Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML

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our kids will be derps - 22/06/2013 19:28 - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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WhatTheBleep - 09/04/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

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Kittykat900 - 22/05/2013 16:47 - United Kingdom - Dewsbury

Today, I was out on a family walk, when I overheard two women talking to each other. One of them was wondering how a kid with such good looking parents and grandparents could be so ugly. That kid is my daughter. FML

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Kittykat900

Kittykat900 4

Wednesday 22 May 2013 23:39

Hi OP here, a little extra detail. My little girl (7 years old) is having her "bad haircut faze" she is self conscious about it and it didn't help that she overheard this obnoxious woman! I had to spend hours building back up her confidence. It was truly a horrible thing to do. Sorry it doesn't show up as mine as I posted it from my phone and then made an account!

thisistypical - 14/09/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

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