Your everyday life stories - FML

The date from hell #5676

DennisQuaide69 - 27/06/2017 00:00

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

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Ménage à nope

3somer - 20/08/2017 04:29

Today, I received a text from the woman with whom my boyfriend and I recently had a threesome. After years of fantasizing, I finally experienced what it was like to be with another girl. Now we also get to experience what it's like to have gonorrhea. FML

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littlekellilee - 16/09/2016 04:27 - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

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FartMyLife - 11/08/2016 11:34 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, the VP of my company stopped by my desk to personally deliver praise on my recent performance. I watched in helpless horror as the noxious fart I had just released slapped him in the face. He was too polite to leave but gagged through his entire speech. If farts can kill careers... FML

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Anonymous - 10/01/2018 01:30

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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Bbpoor - 10/04/2018 19:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I bumped into my old university roommate. He's now a young retired BlackBerry millionaire. I asked if he saw my resume back in the day. He did, and put it through the shredder. Making out with his girlfriend during senior year was apparently very expensive. FML

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Tasty

chew toy - - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

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Ouch

rawr117 -

Today, while working at the local paintball place, I noticed a girl without the safety on her paintball gun. I approached and reminded her to put the safety on, to which she replied "Don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you." And then she did. In the nuts. FML

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Looking forward to it

OkieThePokie - 07/08/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me. FML

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"BunnysKitty" - 15/09/2017 23:15

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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Stop lying

dinosaurman - 07/10/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I found out that my sister, who is 16 years older than me, is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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You want a piece of me?

littlepeepboo - 30/01/2018 01:30

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

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WhatAKeeper - 02/05/2018 15:00 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend accused me of ruining his life by getting pregnant. Apparently, the "love of his life" has now left him, and it's all my fault. I thought we were monogamous. FML

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Saraitkddh - 06/10/2018 05:00

Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML

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SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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Anonymous - 16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

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not twilight - 05/12/2015 00:47 - United States - Charlotte

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

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ldemosthenous - 26/04/2017 15:03

Today, it's my birthday. My friends don't believe me since they "didn't get a Facebook notification." FML

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bitch - 16/05/2017 05:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

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Anonymous - 05/09/2015 02:22 - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

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That was short-lived.

adc2502 - 02/02/2018 11:00

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

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Cress - 11/02/2018 19:00

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

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Anonymous - 18/06/2016 14:09 - United States - Concord

Today, I got really horny during a 10 hour shift, so I snuck into a storage room and relieved myself. Then as I went to leave the room, I noticed the security camera above the door. FML

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Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Big Mistake - 22/06/2018 19:30 - Canada - Ajax

Today, my new colleagues discovered the videos I did in college when I was short of money and didn't know they would end up online. My friend even asked if I was "the guy who came after 30 seconds and was comforted by the director". I was that guy. FML

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Anonymous - 20/09/2018 03:00

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

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Single forever I guess - 30/09/2018 05:00

Today, after months of hurtful and derogatory remarks from matches, I had to add the line "Not trans, just ugly." to my Tinder bio. FML

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M1CHA3L_MY3RZ - 02/03/2016 01:22 - United States

Today, I donated a dollar to a kids charity at Lowe's. The cashier handed me a star to sign my name, I signed it and gave it back to her. She looked at me with disgust and asked what was wrong with me. I had to pull out my license to prove to her that my name is really Michael Myers. FML

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M1CHA3L_MY3RZ

M1CHA3L_MY3RZ 16

Wednesday 2 March 2016 19:57

yeah she apologized after I pulled my license out and proved it to her. then she just had this blank stare on her face. lmao I hear something about my name at least once a day, most the time it's stupid but there have been some good ones on occasion

Fighting talk

enya - 18/01/2016 22:29 - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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TheDeathguard - 20/07/2017 20:05

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

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KeptMyHandsUp - 17/08/2017 17:15 - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. She warned me they were a little weird. Right when we walked in the door, her parents were there to greet us...in the nude. Apparently this constitutes as a LITTLE weird. They both hugged me. FML

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Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Today, my plan to punish my husband by leaving him for a week completely failed. When I got home from the hotel, he had his buddies over happily watching football, but his face fell when I walked in, like I’d ruined his day by coming home. I don’t think my marriage can be saved at this point. FML

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Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She asked if the ring was a temporary thing until I got a better one, saw my dumbfounded face, then played it off as a joke and said yes. I later found out she'd posted on Facebook bitching about the ring, but with the privacy setting set to hide it from me. FML

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Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

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Today, my girlfriend of 2 months found out she was 4 months pregnant with her ex's baby. She told me I could leave her and she wouldn't blame me, but I decided to stay with her. She told me she loved me and then dumped me because she needed to be with her baby's daddy. FML

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Today, I was struggling to cycle up a steep hill. A guy heading past me on a scooter said I'd lost something. I stopped and looked back. Seeing nothing, I asked him what I lost. He replied, "Your momentum!" FML

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Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

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